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SO's & guys we date - supportive or not of the weight loss, loose skin?

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Old 08-18-2008, 07:33 PM   #1
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Question SO's & guys we date - supportive or not of the weight loss, loose skin?

I was wondering how everyone's SO or if single, their boyfriends/new dates, have reacted to the weight loss (and loose skin that comes with it) ?

Have they been overall supportive and a help, or not supportive and afraid of the change, or toooo supportive and go all super-trainer on you 24/7? Anyone receive ultimatums? Or go through a relationship upheaval due to weight loss/loose skin alone?

I've been dating a guy for over 4 years, and while he's supportive and loves the weight loss... but he's sometimes too supportive. If you know what I mean. Like, gets mad at me for not being super gung-ho obsessed with diet and exercise. And he's given ultimatums. He is disturbed by the amount of loose skin & cellulite. Sometimes he looks up things I can do to get rid of loose skin & cellulite and tells me the treatments. Other than that, he's very loving and supportive

He says he thinks I'm the one for him and that he loves me, and while sometimes he's attracted... a lot of times he's a little grossed out. He wants to spend his life with a "normal" looking girl. I know, it doesn't sound so nice, but how can I blame him when I can see exactly what he's seeing? It's not a pretty picture. He says he wants my outside to be beautiful so that it reflects the beauty inside, so that everyone can see what he knows.

I think he's rather selfish & shallow, but overall he's a nice guy. Even if what he says sounds horrible, he's really not a horrible person. I've never told anyone (friends, family, etc) how he feels, because I know if I told anyone that he doesn't want to get married until I've lost weight and had plastic surgery to remove loose skin they'd think he was awful. But no one can really understand, except those of us who have the weight to lose, or have lost weight. Regular people just don't know what it means to know you're a good and worthwhile person, but still know that your skin looks disgusting. I think if I was just large, but firm and smooth skinned, it wouldn't be such a big issue. It's that my skin is all cottage cheese and loose and hangs... and I still have 60 pounds to lose.

Right now I'm 36 and single, and have never had kids. We've been dating for over 4 years, and I just feel like.. if I'm ever going to get married and have kids I'm going to have to do it soon. I'll be too old to have kids in just a few years. I want to lose weight for me, not him. But I agree with him that the loose skin is kind of yucky. But, as someone told me the other day on my blog... if I decided to get skin surgery it has to be for ME too, not for him. Even if he tries to tell me that if I loved him, I would do these things for him.

I was just wondering if anyone else has gone through this with their guy, or what they did go through with their guy. It would be lovely if all SO's & guys we date were supportive and loved us just how we look, but I know that doesn't happen all the time. If it did happen and you have a good story, I'd love to hear that too!
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Old 08-18-2008, 07:54 PM   #2
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You are absolutely beautiful. Please, don't settle for someone that doesn't appreciate you because you feel like there's a time limit on the things you want out of life. Remember, even if he's one in a million that means that there are about 7,000 more out there just like him

I'm 32, also single (divorced actually), but I've had three kids. I promise you that my skin is 100 times worse than yours. I've never had trouble attracting men and I have a boyfriend that thinks I'm sexy even in my skin. No one can tell you what you need except for you, but from the outside it sounds like you need someone that is a little less shallow.

There's a Taylor Swift song called "Tied Together with a Smile" I'd suggest you listen to it. Your post made me want to hug you.
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Old 08-18-2008, 08:04 PM   #3
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Oh, my - without writing a book in response, I would tell you to seriously consider all that you have written. Save it, and go back and re-read it with fresh eyes. If a friend came to you with this same problem, how would you respond?

For me, I would not want to be with anyone that did not love me unconditionally. Regardless of what I looked like. Anything less would be a recipe for trouble down the road. My DH has been a GREAT cheerleader throughout this journey. He never once commented on my weight when I gained it. He allowed me to be selfish with my time, when I needed to step away from family activities and devote time to exercise. If I'm not hungry, he makes his own meals (he already does 50% of the cooking anyway). He adopted my eating plan, and ended up losing 50 lbs. with me He has always acted in ways that show me that he finds me desirable, even when I feel my worst.

Anyone that would want me to have surgery to look better, is more interested in being with eye-candy than with supporting someone that they love. I hope you do some soul searching and don't "settle" for less than you deserve.

Time is not running out. Several of my friends had children in their 40s. But, that being said, do you REALLY want to waste time with this guy? Will he want you to get other procedures as well? Anyone that uses the "you would if you loved me line" needs to grow up. He sounds like a teenager trying to take advantage.

You look beautiful in your picture. And most saggy-baggy skin can be handled with great undergarments (trust me on this one). Please read Meg's sticky on skin issues. Surgery is not for the faint-hearted. You will have scars. It will take a LONG time to heal. You should never have it, unless you are 100% sure that you want it - for YOU!
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Old 08-18-2008, 08:07 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Naia View Post
He says he wants my outside to be beautiful so that it reflects the beauty inside, so that everyone can see what he knows.
There's something strange about that reasoning. I mean, are people unable to see your inner beauty when you're fully dressed?
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Old 08-18-2008, 08:18 PM   #5
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Quote:
gets mad at me for not being super gung-ho obsessed with diet and exercise.
Quote:
he's given ultimatums.
Quote:
He is disturbed by the amount of loose skin & cellulite.
Quote:
a lot of times he's a little grossed out.
Quote:
He wants to spend his life with a "normal" looking girl.

Quote:
I think he's rather selfish & shallow,
Quote:
he doesn't want to get married until I've lost weight and had plastic surgery to remove loose skin
I went through similar things with my ex husband.

Listen to me. Carefully. Not only do I have a degree in Psychology I have BTDT.

This man is abusing you. emotional blackmail is abuse.

what happens when you get married, get pregnant, grow more fat, get stretch marks, big leaky saggy boobs and your skin pigment changes (all these things happen normally in pregnancy)? do you think he will stay?

You are young and beautiful (unless that is not you in your avatar) and you do not need to take the abuse this man is heaping on you.
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Old 08-18-2008, 08:26 PM   #6
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Dude, your bf sounds like an ahole.
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Old 08-18-2008, 08:35 PM   #7
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The thing is I've never met a horrible person - and I was a probation officer. Even child molesters and murders aren't "horrible," they are "regular" people with very good traits as well as very bad ones. You can talk yourself into accepting any bad behavior when you justify it with "he's not a horrible person," because they never are. It's why the neighbors always say, "he was such a nice guy."

Whether he's horrible or not, someone who is that controlling is going to be horrible to live with. "He's just being honest," is a bunch of crap, because if someone loves you, they leave that kind of garbage unspoken, even if they think it for an instant or two - or more. Love is not unkind.

You want a "for better or worse," kinda guy, don't you?

As others have said, this behavior is abuse, pure and simple. And it doesn't seem to be borderline, where I would suggest counseling. This isn't a guy who is accidentally hurting your feelings, he's doing it on purpose. This is NOT likely to change, and there are plenty of "not-horrible, nice guys" out there who will not do this.
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Old 08-18-2008, 08:50 PM   #8
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I agree with what everyone else has said: Rethink this relationship. I know that men and women are sometimes either attracted to how someone looks, or not, and some of that can't be helped/argued, etc. But... if someone needs to majorly change how they look, lose a massive amount of (more) weight AND have cosmetic surgery, to make their partner happy, something is wrong. I'm not going to say, "He should love you no matter how you look" bc really, he has no obligation to change his preferences/attractions, etc. BUT you have even less of an obligation to lose weight and have surgery just to get him to marry you/really "love" you. I'm sorry, but you can do better than that!

I am not one to throw around the word "abuse" with wild abandon, BUT I really, seriously think he IS emotionally abusing you here, or at least emotionally manipulating you. Think about it -- he's playing on your insecurities, your body issues, your age, the fact that you want to get married (I'm assuming, based on what you wrote), to control you, make you feel inferior and unworthy and TO MAKE YOU CHASE AFTER HIM (isnt that what you'd be doing, if you lose all this weight and have surgery to make him happy?). You can say you want to lose weight and have surgery to make yourself happy, but really that's not how you come off above. I mean, Im sure you DO want to lose weight for yourself, but not with this kind of pressure.

Personally, based on what you wrote... I have a feeling that even if you got down to 120lbs AND had skin surgery, he'd find some other reason that you aren't good enough, some other reason that you need to scramble to get him to love you. Maybe I'm wrong; I'm sorry to rag on your boyfriend, bc I'm sure he does have some good points, but reread what you wrote above... he's playing a mean game with you.

Personally, I met my fiance at approximately this same weight and size and I told him about my weightloss pretty early on. It's never been an issue for him (and I do have some of the issues you described above), but it was an issue for ME during the early part of our relationship and to this day, I sometimes wonder how he could find me attractive. But he does.

I know I cant really talk to you about this, as I'm 24 and getting married in like 8 weeks, BUT I would never, ever, EVER consider marrying a man who puts those kinds of conditions on loving me, I don't care how much I want to be married -- bc really, that is PRECISELY what he is doing. He's fond of you and you're fine to date, but you aren't good enough until you make these pretty massive and PHYSICALLY PAINFUL personal changes (cosmetic surgery hurts!). That's some bullsh*t if you ask me.

If he proposed tomorrow, I wouldn't say yes if I were you -- if he's an emotionally abusive boyfriend, he will be an emotionally abusive husband.

But to answer your actual question: my fiance isnt involved with my weightloss, which is how I prefer it. We will sometimes exercise together, and I keep him updated on how much I workout and stuff, but I would resent him trying to direct or coach or force my weightloss. I've told him at this point that while I do want to lose more, it might not be possible; I keep plateauing at exactly this size. I am firming up and strengthening bc of all my strength training, but I may NEVER be 140lbs. I told him this, and he doesn't care; he just wants me to maintain and workout and eat healthily.
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Old 08-18-2008, 08:56 PM   #9
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I am sorry you are going through a rough time. The loose skin can be an issue. I can see why you want to make the best of things with your boyfriend - someone you have invested 4 years in. However, like the other posters have said - this really is emotional abuse. If you have kids, it is more than likely your skin will undergo even more changes.

You yourself said "I think he's rather selfish & shallow, but overall he's a nice guy." Yes, most guys are superficial, looks oriented people. BUT, if this person truly loves and cares for you - they would try to be more understanding. You have done nothing wrong. You are taking control of your health. And as far as surgery - I am not knocking anyone who does this - BUT - there will be scars - and it sounds like he is the type of person who would not like the looks of those either. Don't settle - you are a pretty person - don't sell yourself short. I am older and was heavier than you. The skin issue does upset me as I have it myself. I will just keep trying to tone and lose weight. If the world is so full of shallow people that cannot handle it (and sadly I think a majority are like your boyfriend) then so be it. Stay strong and be proud of all you have done for your health and life!
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Old 08-18-2008, 09:08 PM   #10
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I got engaged in my mid thirties because I was experiencing the "OMG I am in my thirties and I had better hurry up and get married" jitters. Two years later, after being miserable from the demands, the 'I am saying it for your own goods', the "should you eat thats" and the "we don't have sex because I am not attracted to you anymore" (and I weighed about 40 pounds less than I do now), I broke it off. BTW I also said to him that when he got out of the shower he must not have been able to see himself due to the steam and not wearing his glasses because he was no Mel Gibson himself! I thought if he isn't going to love me as I am, what can I expect in the future? More criticism? (nicely disguised as concern for my wellbeing)!

I can't write the happy ending for this that will make you feel encouraged ...you know...the fairy tale that I found Mr. Wonderful and got married and had children and live in the cottage with the white picket fence, but...I have never ever let a man make me feel bad about myself since. AND I do have the cottage with the picket fence...completely paid for by me, a job, friends, gardens, pets, books, my painting, and last I heard he declared bankruptcy and his family wants nothing to do with him!

You had better read your post carefully woman! If you are feeling this way now, and trying to justify his actions, are you willing to continue to deal with the self-doubt, the feelings of conditional love if you meet his expectations? I wish you luck . We can't tell you what to do, but by posting in the first place....you already are wondering

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Old 08-18-2008, 09:11 PM   #11
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I personally would have serious reservations about wanting to be with someone whose love for me was conditional of my looks. My husband has never said anything negative about my loose skin, and trust me, after five c -sections there is plenty of it. I know I can speak for myself and him and say that we prefer my new,saggy body verses my old ,unhealthy, obese body! I, like you, am super self consious regarding my skin, but it really seems to not bother my husband at all. BTW He knows he is not physically perfect, and has flaws himself. Who dosen't? If you did get the skin surgery, then God forbid, but get into an accident or get burned in some sort of fasion, how would he feel then? Would he not be able to be with you then? (I know these things are not probable, but being an ICU nurse, I see these things quite often.) Plus, as we age, face it we are not always going to have beautiful,perfect skin. I think the skin surgery would fix the problem on a superficial level only. It sounds like the problem is deeper than your skin. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure he is a nice guy, but I think you should find someone who loves you, and wants to be with you, and is proud to call you his wife regardless of your weight, skin, hair color or any other physical feature. Think about it, when you are 85 years old, it won't matter what either of you looked like in younger years, but what will matter is if you spent your life with a person who really, truely loves you. Also, I agree with the other poster who told you that said you are not running out of time. My best friend had her 3rd baby at 40, and at 42 will be trying for baby #4. I also know of several other women who also had babies in their 40's. BTW, you look like a beautiful woman in your picture. I'm sure there are lots of people out there who can see both your inner and outer beauty. Good luck!
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Old 08-18-2008, 10:08 PM   #12
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Good grief, you look like a total hottie! Is your bf blind?
I'm sure he is a nice guy, but he needs to know that he has to love the total package. Remind him that he may have physical/personality traits you don't like, but you love him anyway: body hair, pimples, thinning hair, gray hair, ugly toes, big ears, etc (I'm not saying your bf has these things, I'm just trying to list examples!!!)
Read what you wrote, and pretend you are giving advice to a close friend or a a little sister. What would you tell them?
Good luck! I know we don't know the whole story, and you're brave for posting all this.
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Old 08-18-2008, 10:17 PM   #13
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What happens if you lose the weight, have the surgery, get married, then something catastrophic happens ? psoriasis, excema, burn in a fire, amputation??? i know those are extremes, but if he cant love you unconditionally now, how can he later after you have had two kids if something bad happens? it will be harder to be single then than it is now... my advice, for what its worth, love yourself, respect yourself enough to Demand unconditional love.. from your post that is what you give him.. you love him even tho he picks you apart... NEVER accept less than you give.. its a road to disaster...
good luck hun..
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Old 08-18-2008, 10:30 PM   #14
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I read through your post, then read through it again. I read it for the third time and noticed what wasn't there - that he loves you for who you are and that he makes you happy.

I suspect that by you posting, you already knew that your relationship might not be the healthiest - we can give advice and recommend paths to take, but the decision is ultimately up to you.

You said "It would be lovely if all SO's & guys we date were supportive and loved us just how we look, but I know that doesn't happen all the time." - this makes me want to cry for you because you sound as if you don't think you deserve to have unconditional support and love. I hope you can realize that you're worth it and that you deserve him - but just ask yourself....does he deserve you?
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Old 08-19-2008, 02:42 AM   #15
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You guys all gave me so much to think about. I really thank each one of you for caring and your replies - sometimes we are just too close to a situation to see it for what it is, and it's eye-opening to see it through another person's opinion. I want to write everyone back, but feel like it would turn into such a long post that no one would be able to make it through!

So I just want to say, I agree with all of you who pointed out what my reaction would be if a friend or sister came to me with this problem. I would be telling her what you all've just told me. Everyone in my life would be so surprised if I told them the real reason we've never moved our relationship forward. I guess that's why I have never told any friends or family, and maybe why it felt safe to share it here, where no one expects me to be the strong, centered person who everyone else comes to for support. I really don't know how I came to this point. Where did the rebellious, feminist, independent, woman's study major go?!

Maybe he's like my human version of french fries. I know in my heart I need to give them up and that they're bad for me, but when they're good they're just so good.. but when they're bad (cold!!!) they're the worst. I need to remember that cold, mealy taste even when they're sitting piping hot in front of me.

I do need to do some soul searching, and really re-think the relationship. He does not make me happy. At least, not most of the time. I can't believe I didn't realize that until you asked. He makes life like walking on eggshells. Sometimes wonderful, sometimes a train wreck. Not just for me, just in general, he's an emotional rollercoaster.

I can't keep justifying-- I realize that is what I'm doing, after reading all your posts. He does say awful things, but once he gets them off his chest he's good again. Like a child throwing a tantrum. And maybe that's how I've been able to take it, I keep thinking he'll grow up. I don't give into the tantrums and don't agree with the ultimatums. I'm calm and tell him if he really feels like that then we need to take time apart. But every time he's back and nice and apologizing within a few days, so we slide back into the relationship. Foolishly, I think each time he's accepted things how they are, but a few months later it's a big blow-out again. And don't I *know* what an issue this is for him?! Last time, when he told me if I were thin we'd be married already, I told him, "no we wouldn't, because I wouldn't have said yes!" He's supposed to work on being less of an emotional rollercoaster, and I'm supposed to be working on my weight. But there's no way I can say anything about whether or not I'll get surgery. I just don't know if I'll want that until I'm at that point, and I refuse to think about it until I've been at my goal weight for at least 9 months, if not a year.

Still, you're all right. I'm justifying his bad actions. If he's like this now, will he ever be satisfied? Will it always be something else? I've asked him this before, and he swears all he wants is for me to look normal, but that doesn't assuage my fears. Do I really want to commit to this for life? And if we had children, what would he be like to them?

I think I brought this up here because I needed to know if other people went through this, and what they did. And also, to hear that there are good guys out there who have loved and supported and accepted you all for who you are.

Maybe I live in the wrong place. Los Angeles is just not the place to meet people who are accepting. A lot of them seem to want.. no, seem to think they're *entitled* to what they consider the "whole package". You must be smart, talented, successful, beautiful and sweet. I'd say they were living in a fantasy world... but this is LA. They are.

It probably doesn't help that the bf is an actor, has a triple engineering degree, is the only son of a doting mother, and is 40 and still a bachelor... I really thought since he treats his mother so well, he'd be a good guy. Turns out though, that his mother will do anything for him. Want a cup of coffee? water? soda? Want me to wash your clothes? Want me to bring you a footstool? And... I'm serious.... do you want me to make you dinner separate from what *everyone* else is eating? She does all those things. Sorry. There I just had to vent. She's nice, but do you not know when you're ruining your son?! I've had to teach him that, no, I will not bring you coffee every morning. Sometimes, you must get up and get it yourself! He was affronted the first time I did not assemble his hamburger for him, and told him the condiments were right there, help himself. He's learned these simple things, but I guess I can't expect him to learn unconditional love. You either have it, or you don't. I'm just a little afraid, that like french fries, I'll never be able to completely say no.

Anyway, I just really appreciate all your comments. You've made me feel very cared for, and I can't tell you how good that feels at this point. I think it's time for me to really evaluate what's going on.

Just two PS's:

Mom2QJandT - I listened to that song you recommended, and I couldn't believe how much it felt like it was just for me. Thank you so much!

KLK - Congrats on your engagement and upcoming marriage! I'm happy you found a good one!!!
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