I was wondering how everyone's SO or if single, their boyfriends/new dates, have reacted to the weight loss (and loose skin that comes with it) ?
Have they been overall supportive and a help, or not supportive and afraid of the change, or toooo supportive and go all super-trainer on you 24/7? Anyone receive ultimatums? Or go through a relationship upheaval due to weight loss/loose skin alone?
I've been dating a guy for over 4 years, and while he's supportive and loves the weight loss... but he's sometimes too supportive. If you know what I mean. Like, gets mad at me for not being super gung-ho obsessed with diet and exercise. And he's given ultimatums. He is disturbed by the amount of loose skin & cellulite. Sometimes he looks up things I can do to get rid of loose skin & cellulite and tells me the treatments. Other than that, he's very loving and supportive
He says he thinks I'm the one for him and that he loves me, and while sometimes he's attracted... a lot of times he's a little grossed out. He wants to spend his life with a "normal" looking girl. I know, it doesn't sound so nice, but how can I blame him when I can see exactly what he's seeing? It's not a pretty picture. He says he wants my outside to be beautiful so that it reflects the beauty inside, so that everyone can see what he knows.
I think he's rather selfish & shallow, but overall he's a nice guy. Even if what he says sounds horrible, he's really not a horrible person. I've never told anyone (friends, family, etc) how he feels, because I know if I told anyone that he doesn't want to get married until I've lost weight and had plastic surgery to remove loose skin they'd think he was awful. But no one can really understand, except those of us who have the weight to lose, or have lost weight. Regular people just don't know what it means to know you're a good and worthwhile person, but still know that your skin looks disgusting. I think if I was just large, but firm and smooth skinned, it wouldn't be such a big issue. It's that my skin is all cottage cheese and loose and hangs... and I still have 60 pounds to lose.
Right now I'm 36 and single, and have never had kids. We've been dating for over 4 years, and I just feel like.. if I'm ever going to get married and have kids I'm going to have to do it soon. I'll be too old to have kids in just a few years. I want to lose weight for me, not him. But I agree with him that the loose skin is kind of yucky. But, as someone told me the other day on my blog... if I decided to get skin surgery it has to be for ME too, not for him. Even if he tries to tell me that if I loved him, I would do these things for him.
I was just wondering if anyone else has gone through this with their guy, or what they did go through with their guy. It would be lovely if all SO's & guys we date were supportive and loved us just how we look, but I know that doesn't happen all the time. If it did happen and you have a good story, I'd love to hear that too!
I think he sounds like a total A-hole and it's my opinion that you'd be better off without him. I don't see how you can say that he does & says all these hurtful things and in the SAME sentence say "but he's a nice guy" HUH?! I disagree completely and I hope you don't settle for this jerk.
I've recently given up on relationships, as I feel I'm too young to worry about someone other than myself. But, the guy I'll be with one day has to accept my weight/skin/everything, or else it's a no go. I don't want conditions on someone loving me. I used to do that to myself, and then feel this intense feeling to rebel against that person. It makes me miserable and it's counter productive. If there is no guy in the world who will accept me as I am and love me full-heartedly, I guess I'll be single forever :P I can just pay for my baby.
I am lucky to have such a supportive fiance... A lot of it is probably because he weighs just a little more than I do so we diet together. It's constant support, as we eat together and exercise together (only downside is that we also fail together)
He has never said a mean thing about my body and goes out of his way to try to prove that he thinks I'm beautiful and wonderful in every way.
Naia,
I didn't read this entire thread yet this morning when I posted a response, so it was totally out of anger at him for treating you that way. Now that I am FINALLY done; I am soooooo glad you gave him the boot! Stick to your guns girly, because that was the first day in 4 yrs you started living for YOU! I am so proud of you. You are a beautiful, strong, funny, and smart chicky!!!! Rock on sista!!!! You can do this!!!
I really should read though all the threads, but just your first post made me so livid that I'll type now and deal with whatever the rest of the responses are later!
I'm sorry, you may have gotten things to working beautifully with him or you may have dumped him by now...I don't know. I personally don't think you need to put up with crud like that!
Sounds controlling. He's given ultimatums?! How so...lose the weight or I don't stick around? Fine...go. I've been married almost 11 years. The only ultimatum I can think of that I've ever made was just last week. My husband mentioned he needed a new seat for his bike (he is insane, does 100 mile rides). I told him no seat till he figures out something to get for a play structure for the boys in the backyard...something he was doing already but just a bit slowly. That is IT...I think of ultimatums as a form of blackmail...controlling someone else so you get what you want whether they want it or not. NOT GOOD!!! Sorry, there may be lots of caps in this post...I'm really quite angry for you.
So he thinks you are the one for him, but he wants to spend his life with a "normal" looking girl?! What if you looked like a super model and then got burned in a fire...would that mean he no longer had to spend his life with you because you weren't "normal" looking anymore?! Has he actually told you he's a little grossed out sometimes!?! You can blame him because if he can't deal with how you look, he can go somewhere else and you can have someone who CAN! You do not need someone who is grossed out by you...that is not good for your self esteem and if I said swear words I'd be using several right nowso let's just add some *'s and you can make up your own. **************************!!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Naia
He says he thinks I'm the one for him and that he loves me, and while sometimes he's attracted... a lot of times he's a little grossed out. He wants to spend his life with a "normal" looking girl. I know, it doesn't sound so nice, but how can I blame him when I can see exactly what he's seeing? It's not a pretty picture. He says he wants my outside to be beautiful so that it reflects the beauty inside, so that everyone can see what he knows.
You THINK he's selfish and shallow? Yes, he is. You never ever ever EVER say things that you know could hurt your spouse. My husband married a woman who weighed 120-125. I was that way for 2 years, then...bam, epilepsy hit me and in 3 months I weighed 192 pounds because of the medication. He STILL says I'm beautiful. He's fine with me the way I am, and if he wasn't it would be HIS fault, not something that is my fault! He is supportive if I want to lose weight. The only thing that may have been even remotely close to being "too" supportive (and wasn't) was when I just got so frustrated one day I decided to be absolutely horrible and go crazy. I had made the boys mac&cheese&tuna caserole. He said "well, don't blow your diet on that...find something better to blow it on" so he picked up some green curry for me on the way home. He knew better than to tell me not to because I'd had a hard day and was going crazy anyway...he might as well help me to enjoy whatever it is I'm blowing it on.
I HATE to look in the mirror, I had 2 boys and because of hypertension I was gaining 1/2 a pound a day for TEN WEEKS. Imagine how stretched out your skin gets if the day you go off medication because you gained 50 pounds in one month you find out you are pregnant and then start retaining water. I looked bigger at 6 months than any of my pregnant friends ever looked the day they delivered. I swear I should volunteer my stomach for skin graft testing on injured people...I have enough. Even still...my husband finds me beautiful...inside and out. He may be a nice guy, but he certainly isn't showing it. No, he may not be an awful person, but he certainly has awful manners and an awful way of showing respect for the person you are!
Quote:
I think he's rather selfish & shallow, but overall he's a nice guy. Even if what he says sounds horrible, he's really not a horrible person. I've never told anyone (friends, family, etc) how he feels, because I know if I told anyone that he doesn't want to get married until I've lost weight and had plastic surgery to remove loose skin they'd think he was awful.
You NEVER NEVER NEVER get married if you are having those "if I don't do it now it may never happen" sort of thoughts! That is not the reason to get married! My aunt is now in her 50's, never did get married but she adopted 2 kids from China. She has more freedom than a married person does actually...she can decide they are going on vacation to visit her family or not. She doesn't have to do a joint decision on whether they get a new car. Having worked in an orphanage in a 3rd world country I am all for adoption whenever someone can. Personally sweetheart...if it is between this guy and being a single mom...I say single mom. Another one of those HUGE red flags is the "if you love me you'll ___". Again, that is blackmail. If YOU loved me you'd accept me for who I am and how I am and would support me by telling me that you love me no matter what!!!!!!! That is the sort of person who will continue to blackmail you for the rest of your life. They will try to turn you into the person THEY want you to be, and won't let you be who you are and who you want to be. You marry someone because you love them as they are, not because you love what you think they could be if they'd just change how you want them to! Ok, rant over. I'm still seething. I'll read through some of the posts (the last ones first looking for developments). I hope I haven't offended you, but I don't mince words when I see someone being mistreated which is what your post was showing!
Quote:
Right now I'm 36 and single, and have never had kids. We've been dating for over 4 years, and I just feel like.. if I'm ever going to get married and have kids I'm going to have to do it soon. I'll be too old to have kids in just a few years. I want to lose weight for me, not him. But I agree with him that the loose skin is kind of yucky. But, as someone told me the other day on my blog... if I decided to get skin surgery it has to be for ME too, not for him. Even if he tries to tell me that if I loved him, I would do these things for him.
whew...just read all 8 pages. I'm glad you got rid of him, but he sounds like he certainly has the clingy/stalker mentality. I would just tell him flat out that no, you don't want to hear from him. Tell him he can call at your house at 5:00pm to get his clothes from your grandpa otherwise they will be on the porch in a bag and if he doesn't get them they will be going to the goodwill by next Friday and you will mail him the receipt. You were in an abusive relationship, they are hard to get out of because you get brainwashed. Abusers find people who will allow themselves to be abused. If you don't continue to stand up to him and stand FIRMLY, he will continue trying because he might sense uncertainty and latch onto it. The less stern and abrupt with him you are, the more you'll have to keep shoving him away because he'll keep coming back. You do NOT want or deserve to have him back. Let his mom have him.
I've read through this thread and just have to say: Yay, Naia! This is wonderful that you have been able to do this for yourself. You can only control what you do and how you react to things -- thank goodness you can let him go!
Please don't beat yourself up about not doing x,y, or z today. That is today; tomorrow is another day. There are always going to be tough days!
Don't forget to give him EVERYTHING of his, otherwise anything he doesn't pick up will become an excuse to get in contact with you again and continue to make you feel bad.
Keep remembering that you WANT to exercise. You WANT to succeed - for YOU, for no one else. You are doing this for YOU!
Stay strong! You are in my prayers!
You WILL do this - for YOU!!!!
And - for the record - I can't WAIT to see your posts 6 months from now - about the awesome guy you have met and how wonderful the relationship is going
Mark my words ...
I hope!!! Thank you for this post -- it really helped me out yesterday. I will do this, and it'll be for ME. Thank you!!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Diva
Naia,
I didn't read this entire thread yet this morning when I posted a response, so it was totally out of anger at him for treating you that way. Now that I am FINALLY done; I am soooooo glad you gave him the boot! Stick to your guns girly, because that was the first day in 4 yrs you started living for YOU! I am so proud of you. You are a beautiful, strong, funny, and smart chicky!!!! Rock on sista!!!! You can do this!!!
lol-- I know this thread is getting long! And it's actually good to see people's anger -- I always lose mine, so it makes me remember, hey! I should be mad about this!!!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by swtgila
ANd normal????? He wants to be with a normal girl? That is insane! Hollywood actors, skinny models, LA sun gods are not normal!
I know! That's what I said! If you want to see normal, look at the median body fat percentage of our country! Or the average dress size of women! *NOT* all the airbrushed magazines, size 0 models or the artificially enhanced starlets!
Quote:
Originally Posted by CaffeineIV
You marry someone because you love them as they are, not because you love what you think they could be if they'd just change how you want them to! Ok, rant over. I'm still seething. I'll read through some of the posts (the last ones first looking for developments). I hope I haven't offended you, but I don't mince words when I see someone being mistreated which is what your post was showing!
Not offended at all! The opposite!! I needed to hear all of that, it's good for me to read and remember. Remember why I was in the right for doing this, and why I should stay strong, and that I wasn't just imagining that it was bad behavior. Sometimes I start to feel like I make too much of it, like... it's just a little thing, just once in a while... And then I read a post like yours and it sort of wakes me up again, keeps me on track. Thank you!!
Hi all !!! You guys make me feel so good!! Thank you soo much for your continuing support & comments & nice words!!! I keep going back and reading everyone's posts, both to keep me feeling upbeat when I start to get down, and to keep my resolve when I feel like I might start to waver. Because even though I know it wasn't a healthy relationship, it was a long, complicated relationship of practically being in eachother's pockets 24/7, and that leaves a hole.
I'm happy to have found the boards, and also happy I have two kittens to help fill that place (they're loving all the new attention,btw). It's also quite nice getting to do whatever I want, whenever I want to. Not because he was controlling on a day to day basis (he wasn't), but just because... I'm finding when it's only yourself, it's rather freeing. (Because I CAN! )
I did go to the gym the other night, and left his clothes with my grandpa. I came back, saw his car in the driveway and then drove around listening to my audiobook. I figured it was worth the price of gasoline
However, I guess he came in, did a few things around the house he'd said he was going to do before all this happened (fix a sticking door, change the light in the garage, etc), and then ended up "forgetting" his stuff. I haven't talked to him since.
I don't want to vilify him, but I don't want to excuse him either. Caffeine, you're right. Even if he is a nice guy in most ways, the way he's shown respect for me is awful. I'd said he was basically a good guy, because he's done so many good and helpful things for those around him that I can't even begin to name them. But, it doesn't excuse what he says when he gets mad, or even what he says on accident without even knowing he's saying something bad!
It's like he's a little boy, and he has in his head what the ideal woman is. Instead of growing up and realizing she doesn't exist, he wants me desperately to become her. And every time he comes to, and realizes I'm *not* going to be this fictional image he has in his head, he throws a tantrum. Then, like all childish tantrums, when it comes to an end a few hours later he's sorry and contrite. The tantrums may happen only every few months, but the "insert foot into mouth" comments like the frog & prince and "frumpy" or "dowdy" happen way too often. And I'm just tired of it.
That last fit was just one too many. After seeing the situation reflected back to me here with all your comments, I realized, I'd had enough. I can't help him grow up. I know if I were to give in to his overtures, that in just another couple months I'd be right back in this place again.
It's like.. weight loss. I know if I give in and binge eat for the next three months, I'd be back to where I was before and have to do all that hard work again. And it's not worth it. I may have some bad days (both with him and with my weight loss!!) but I just have to stick it out. The only big plus -- with him, once it's all done, it'll be done! (instead of like the weight, which I know I will need to be aware of forever)
This weekend I'm trying to get all his stuff into one place. I didn't realize just how much stuff he has here! I also went to Costco, and was proud of myself for resisting all those little taste booths. But then, afterwards, I bought a great big poppyseed muffin. On another plus side though, I did go to the gym again and did cardio and weights. I'm really starting to like the feeling of strength that weights give you. They do make me think of him (he was a big lifter), but I'm going to own them as mine, anyway. So there, Mr. 9% bodyfat!
Naia, I too spent some time reading this whole thread this morning and your x-bf must be crazy! You are clearly beautiful, but more than that, from your posts we can see what an intelligent, humorous, well-spoken woman you are. And the fact that you take care of your Grampa is just lovely. At whatever weight you are, it's his loss! May your next SO recognize you for the strong, wonderful person you are.
Good for you! I'm sure he "forgot" his stuff on purpose. He probably did those chores to make you "realize how much you need him." Maybe you have a friend who would drop his stuff off to him? Or a messenger service?
The way he behaves sounds so classic cycle of violence. Glad you're getting out before he does too much damage.
TO **** with him, I want to hear more about the kittens! I "self-medicated" with kittens for years....is how I ended up with four cats LOL Sadly now I am down to three due to being Murphy getting old and diabetic and I wouldn't thank him for seventeen years of love by poking him with a needle twice a day.
I was considering circulating my picture at the Humane Society with notice saying "NO MORE KITTENS FOR THIS WOMAN!" I realized all my furkids were adopted in December...just at the beginning of Seasonal Affective Disorder time. Fortunately they all grew up to be very cuddly and affectionate and playful, but there is still nothing like burying your nose in a soft purring kitten tummy. I like to say I sleep with three men every night ...neutered men, but gentle, loving, non-critical, adore me for who I am men
I used to do that to myself, and then feel this intense feeling to rebel against that person. It makes me miserable and it's counter productive. If there is no guy in the world who will accept me as I am and love me full-heartedly, I guess I'll be single forever :P I can just pay for my baby.
WOOOHOOOO! WTG Naia!!!!
I am soooooo glad you gave him the boot! Stick to your guns girly, because that was the first day in 4 yrs you started living for YOU! I am so proud of you. You are a beautiful, strong, funny, and smart chicky!!!! Rock on sista!!!! You can do this!!!
That is IT...I think of ultimatums as a form of blackmail...controlling someone else so you get what you want whether they want it or not. NOT GOOD!!! Sorry, there may be lots of caps in this post...I'm really quite angry for you.
