So this is a bit long, but I need to get some things off of my chest.
I've always been fat, as long as I can remember. I think maybe a picture taken when I was about four (and thus too young to remember) may have shown a slim child me, but I've never been skinny. A little chubby, yes, then chubby, then carrying a few extra pounds, then overweight, then on my way to obesity, and hello! I've arrived.
And it's hard to battle it on my own. I could never dream of talking to my friends (because they're all skinny) and bringing it up would mean that it's real, and we're talking about the elephant in the room. And even though I know that everyone is obviously aware of my size, I don't want to say it out loud. But also because they're not the supportive, love you no matter what friends. It's not uncommon for them to do a once-over (focussing on my arms or thighs) when we're talking and then resume their conversation as though nothing happened even though they know well that I've noticed their glances. And it just feels like people treat me differently. Teacher are friendly enough but then they do the same - look at my legs as though they can't believe that such a young girl could get so horrificly fat without doing something about it.
And it definitely holds me back so much - my friend invited me to her birthday party and i was set to go until she mentioned the possibility of a pool. I invented a migraine and sat by my computer.
But the absolute worst are those flippant remarks about someone's "fatness," like "oh Tyra Banks is sooo fat" or "Oh my god that guy was obese" and me tensing at the f-word because after they say their comment, someone always kind of half-turns to me and gives me a quick glance, and I don't know if they realized that someone fat is sitting beside them or if they're trying to convey that the comment was a not-so-subtle reminder that they know I'm fat.
And I know I have no one to blame but myself. I know that I'm the one eating atrocious amounts of food - especially after I come back form school and enter the safety of my house where I can be a total pig and no one will know. And it's such a cliche, but I do eat to assess my control over my food, even though I have no control over my weight and other people's comments. And yes, I realize that my "friends" aren't the most supportive and kinda taunting, but it was either that or be a social pariah.
So university is starting this fall - and commencement (at the end of October) will be taking place at my school. And I soo want to show up toned and fabulous, and I realize that there's no time like the present to get started on that, but I'm such a failure. I always start strong, but then after two days I fall apart, start binging and then scrap the entire idea because I already ruined everything by eating 3000 calories in one day.
And I know it's a terrible idea and I shouldn't even be thinking, but in a moment of emotional weakness just before I went to sleep, I was seriously considering bulimia so I could continue my disgusting habits but not gain weight so fast.
To give you guys some perspective - last september I was 86 kg, now I'm about 97 kg. That's 190 lb and 213. So I basically broke the 200 pound barrier before I turned 18.
Sorry for writing a novel, but I kind of needed to rant, and there's nothing like the anonymity of a forum, right?