I get you on the existential thing. It isn't death that bothers me, it's being sick and incapacitated for a long, long time.
I think you must not be too old yet. You have time enough to take a different path. We have "roosters" on the board who have lost over 100 pounds--way over.
It's true that it doesn't matter what you do. It's up to you. This is the only moment you have. If you change, it won't be easy--but really, it's not easy for you now.
You wouldn't be asking, I think, if you didn't want to hear some answers.
You are the exception not the rule. You sound like a strong inner motivated woman with a sense of honor and exceptional drive. I on the other hand am a lazy lummox and I am not ashamed to admit it.
I guess I am looking for a reward greater than food but what is greater than tasty food. Can anyone list even three things that would be a more powerful motivator than food. My self esteem is too high to be motivated by guilt. If I act5ually did feel guilty I would eat to relieve that guilt. A box of Famous Amos cookies and a tub of ice cream will vanquish that.
What I may need is a higher purpose. I think about getting married and having kids but I am too fat to attract a woman that I would find attractive. I can't or won't stick with a diet for more than a day. I even started a fat acceptance blog because I got sick of their phony mantras like fat by nature proud by choice and 2 4 6 8 we will not regurgitate.
biggerfatterblog.blogspot
I'm here because my family is on my case about losing weight and my doctor is recommending WLS and counseling.
I probably should take a shot at this because my family is so worried about me. They tell me I am in denial but honestly I know the consequences of my behavior.
Billy, I got to tell you, I have read your response to me, twice to myself and once outloud to my boyfriend, and I cannot stop laughing! I don't know if that is your intention, but you have a way with the words. Dude, the part about "too fat to attract a woman that you would find attractive" had me in stiches. I sort of feel like I am encouraging you. I will be checking out your blog. I am not sure if you are being genuine or not. If not, no big deal. But if you are for real, that self-deprecating humor will land you the lady you want; no problemo.
I feel the same way sometimes. The work seems so overwelming and It feels like everyone around you is eating something that you just cant. The truth is that its just easier to eat and eat and eat and not care about whats happening to you.
Human nature (and that of most critters) IS to try to find the easier way. To do anything, we need a fairly compelling reason. If you don't find a reason good enough for you, you won't do it. Simple as that. And that doesn't make you bad, crazy or lazy (at least not any more than anyone else on the planet).
But, no one can really give you that reason (unless you consider getting loved ones "off your back" reason enough, but most people wouldn't).
That being said, in my experience, when you're more than 200 lbs overweight, you definitely DO NOT have to be terribly motivated to make some progress. As long as you don't believe (as common dieting myth often implies) that you have to have "perfect" motivation and commitment to make progress. Or that only getting all the weight off "counts."
In graduate school, I found and embraced "fat acceptance" philosophy. I wasn't going to worry about my weight in the least, and I didn't, for a couple years. I didn't lose weight, and surprisingly didn't gain weight either. It confirmed in my mind, the theory that dieting "causes" most obesity (at least mine). And I vowed never to diet again.... and then I herniated a disc in my back.
The neurologist told me that losing weight might prevent the need for surgery, or would improve my chances of recovery if I did have to have the surgery. So I joined TOPS and went to the pool 3 times a day. I wasn't swimming to lose weight, in fact, at first I couldn't swim at all (being horizontal in the water put too much pressure on my lower back). I could only tread water, but the water and the freedom from gravity it provided also provided pain relief. In order to work (I was a probation officer at the time) after my sickleave ran out, I had to get into the water before work, at lunch, and after work.
I wish I could say I'd learned my lesson, but when I started feeling better, I went back to old habits.
And that's still a risk. A risk that will always exist.
The thing is that I no longer believe in futility. Oh, there is as good a chance that I could experience a relapse, just as my autoimmune disease (which might be in remission) could return. But unlike the autoimmune disease, I have a little more direct control over my obesity. Unlike many people who are successful, I do not believe that my obesity is entirely within my control - I only believe I have "some" control - and I control what I feel I can. The thing is, the more I get control of, the more control I feel I can have.
"All or nothing" thinking destroyed my weight loss efforts in the past, and I won't let it this time. Only 50 lbs made such a humungous difference in my life (heck, I can say the same thing about only 30), that I'll never again look at what I have left to lose. I don't know what I have left to lose. It might be zero pounds or it might be 200.
If I don't lose another ounce, those 50 plus pounds are still worth keeping off. Getting rid of the CPAP, being able to tie my shoes, lifting heavy objects over my head, taking a standing shower, not only washing my hair, but keeping it in a long style that I can braid every morning without my arms going numb, being able to sleep four hours not just 30 minutes before waking up numb or in pain having to flip on my other side, not having to use the Walmart cart, being able to walk a dog..... all the things I gained are worth keeping, and so I believe that I will - so long as I don't get careless.
To keep this commitment, I have to remember always what is at stake. This is the hardest part, so I "trick" myself a bit, by making a commitment harder to give up. Hubby and I became officers in our TOPS meetings. Selfishly, the power and authority and respect the positions entail feed our egos. We're just social enough to feel that the group "needs us" and that responsibility keeps us attending, when laziness might inspire us to skip meetings.
I'm one of the laziest people on the planet when I "don't see the point," and one of the hardest workers when there are rewards in it for me. If there were no rewards, I wouldn't do it either. I'm selfish, lazy, hedonistic, unorganized, attention-seeking and greedy. I'd be ashamed of myself, but I'm also intelligent, generous, creative, kind, and funny. Humanity... it's a mixed bag.
If any of what I've said sparked your interest at all, ask yourself if you believe you could lose 10 lbs and maintain that loss. Just 10 lbs. Are you intelligent and creative enough to find a way to do it in a way that in NO way is the tiniest bit unpleasant. In a way, that is actually more pleasurable, more indulgent, more hedonistic than what you're doing now?
Personally, I suspect you could, because I certainly did. Basically, by making very small changes. Often changes I could see as more indulgent rather than less. My first 30 lbs were pounds that I lost by "treating myself."
Treating myself to sweet tart apples smeared with a thin layer (not so thin at first) of nutella (actually Aldi's version of the chocolate hazelnut spread at half the price). Wow, so much better than a candybar because it took longer to eat and the sweet and sour is a stronger, more potent and decadent flavor experience.
Treating myself to shrimp cocktail every day if I wanted it (fresh salsa with cilantro, onion, jalapeno and tomato mixed with shrimp and avocado - and at first I wasn't skimpy with the guacamole).
Treating myself to huge bowls of good soup (even cream soups are often more filling per calorie than drier foods).
Treating myself to tacos that I could eat "in bulk" in a way that saved calories without sacrificing flavor (to the point I'm always asked for the recipe when I make it for company). My secret is using a not super lean beef, but mixing it with dry tvp so the tvp absorbs the little bit of extra fat. It absorbs the flavor of the beef, but dilutes the fat and calories per serving. I also sometimes add cooked wheat berries for extra texture and some black beans. And lots of spices. I buy the best low fat or fat free sour cream I can (if it doesn't taste "real" I don't buy it. Daisy and Land o' Lakes and Walmart's brand surprisingly make good light sour creams).
Hellman's canola mayonaisse actually tastes like real mayonaisse. I was shocked as I've never been able to find a light mayo that didn't taste like crap. I wouldn't have tried it, except it was the only mayo my parents had in the house when we visited.
My guess (because I did it) that you could lose 10% of your body weight simply by "upgrading" your diet. Not eating less, not eating "diet food," but just making some subtle changes in your diet that are at least as good (pleasurable, tasty and convenient) as what you're eating now.
I used to eat fries and chicken and poutine (fries, gravy and cheese to all you non-Canadians!) several times a week, and whatever sweets I wanted. I am single, and if anyone would question me, I would think, "leave me alone--I don't smoke anymore, I rarely drink, I don't have a man (therefore no sex)...I'm not getting any other pleasure, at least let me have food". I had this thought often, until one day I thought, "I don't want food to be my only pleasure in life". Other reasons got me on the weight-loss journey as well. I am still not at goal, but my quality of life is a lot better. I could barely do basic everyday things...getting dressed every day was getting hard! Now I can jog, play softball, and do other physical things I couldn't do before. My job is pretty physical, and it's a lot easier to do now. I am happier, and my friends and co-workers say they can tell - I'm friendlier and more outgoing - I guess it just shows. And as for love - still haven't found the big love of my life yet, but I have had quite a few men show interest and I did get together with one, but it didn't work out. Nonetheless, I'm not convinced anymore that I will be alone and single forever and will never attract anyone, because I can.
I don't know where you live but I'm in Canada and if I stayed obese (I still technically am but not as bad and I'm working towards getting away from it), I could get free meds, etc. I never got to that point where I developed diabetes or needed a cart to walk in Wal-Mart, but when I look at how my life has changed since I was at my heaviest, I realize that before,I was just existing, not living.
For me, besides quitting smoking, this weight loss journey (I won't call it diet, b/c like others here, I changed my lifestyle, and have to do this forever) is the best thing I have ever done for myself.
Not to disregard the rest of a bunch of very insightful posts....but that line floors me.
_____________________________
Then my job here is done.
Seriously though, I think the reason I ramble on and on and on... is that it increases the odds of me saying SOMETHING profound (unfortunately, when I do - someone usually has to point it out to me - so thanks, really).
Honestly, I think most diet advice I see is crap (to me). And I think that's true for everyone, you've got to find the bits that DO apply to you, and sometimes it's a needle in a haystack search.
I mean, many people talk about needing to be motivated, or committed, or wanting it "badly" enough, and for me that's been hogwash. In many ways, I'm doing this the laziest, least motivated, least committed way I ever have. I'm too old and lazy to want anything very badly, but I want it enough (just barely enough, most days), and that's all it takes. Wanting it enough to consistently make at least a half-assed attempt, and expecting to see results. That's it.
I always thought I'd like to write a book about losing weight, but "How to lose weight, the half-assed way," doesn't really make for interesting reading I don't think. Especially when I tell them it took me two years to lose the first 30 lbs.
I just have a few tiny things to add. First is one the MMPI study. Although the MMPI is a reliable and valid measure, as a self report measure it still has all the same problems that go along with self report measures. Mainly that people dony always tell the truth, even in anonymous questionnaires. So I have my doubts about that study
The second is about being motivated by fear of death- im not going to lie, I am afraid of death. Im 21 years old, i think its natural that it frightens me. What frightens me more is dying before i have done everything that i plan to do in my life. I am also motivated to be around for a long time for any future children, my family and my friends. My world is also pretty nice, so i am motivated to stay in it for as long as possible, and experience it to the full.
I have a couple of questions if you don't mind ...
Please explain all that free stuff.
How do you pay for your food?
Does someone bring you everything?
And ... what is it that you'd like from us here at 3FC?
I'm on SSI and SDI
Food stamps
I had to come clean about my character. If I lost the weight I could go back to work. There are 10's of thousands of people collecting SSI simply because they are too fat to work. I am one of those people. It's really quite shameful but like so many other people I don't care.
Billy, I got to tell you, I have read your response to me, twice to myself and once outloud to my boyfriend, and I cannot stop laughing! I don't know if that is your intention, but you have a way with the words. Dude, the part about "too fat to attract a woman that you would find attractive" had me in stiches. I sort of feel like I am encouraging you. I will be checking out your blog. I am not sure if you are being genuine or not. If not, no big deal. But if you are for real, that self-deprecating humor will land you the lady you want; no problemo.
What can I say? I guess I'm a hypocrite. I am unwilling to look good for a woman but I want her to look good for me so I guess I'm screwed. I suppose if I lost weight and got to a respectable weight and my libido would return and I would have the stamina to to please a woman but being the selfish clod that I am I really only care about my pleasure. My apron has pressed on my testicles for so long I don't think I am producing much testosterone. When a man gets as fat as I am we sort of become a non gender. I have male boobs like a lot of men have these days. I have bigger boobs than most women. My friends call me Billy Boobs. I'm really a poor excuse for a man. If I ever did love a woman the nicest thing I could do is not marry her because I would make a lousy husband. It must be worse for a woman to be with a man like me that it is for a man to be with a super obese chick. Men are pigs. Most have very low standards.
You seem like a real hoot. I like the handle MamaSpanks. I am enjoying this too. I find it cathartic. Maybe I will think about trying to diet. I know that I am disgusting to other people if I was only that disgusting to myself perhaps I would do something about it.
I just have a few tiny things to add. First is one the MMPI study. Although the MMPI is a reliable and valid measure, as a self report measure it still has all the same problems that go along with self report measures. Mainly that people dony always tell the truth, even in anonymous questionnaires. So I have my doubts about that study
The second is about being motivated by fear of death- im not going to lie, I am afraid of death. Im 21 years old, i think its natural that it frightens me. What frightens me more is dying before i have done everything that i plan to do in my life. I am also motivated to be around for a long time for any future children, my family and my friends. My world is also pretty nice, so i am motivated to stay in it for as long as possible, and experience it to the full.
You have come up with some noble reasons. It sounds like you want to be of service to others like family and friends. On the other hand I want people to be of service to me. I think the people here are sincere and they will probably have success but most folks are like me and they could care less about personal responsibility and acting like a grown up. I think what separates me from other people is I am honest about it. I have started a new fat acceptance movement that honestly says we are fat because we eat too much. I may be a fat *** but unlike other fat asses who do nothing about it at least I'm honest.
You have come up with some noble reasons. It sounds like you want to be of service to others like family and friends. On the other hand I want people to be of service to me. I think the people here are sincere and they will probably have success but most folks are like me and they could care less about personal responsibility and acting like a grown up. I think what separates me from other people is I am honest about it. I have started a new fat acceptance movement that honestly says we are fat because we eat too much. I may be a fat *** but unlike other fat asses who do nothing about it at least I'm honest.
thank you ^_^ maybe i am just idealistic lol. It sounds to me a bit like you have very little in your life that you love and are willing to fight to keep. But thats quite presumptuous for me to say
I thought about this long and hard to find a deeper reason for why I have spent a greater part of my adult life morbidly obese (I've been 'only' obese several times for sometimes years but never 'normal' weight). I concluded that I have no great trauma or baggage in my life like many people here have but I agree with you Billy, I'm fat because I like food and ate too much of it, simple really.
I agree that I derive a great deal of pleasure from my food but as others have already pointed out there's a whole world of tasty, wonderful food that also gives me pleasure. For me creamy dairy stuff and sweets are the best. But instead of eating say a chocolate gateau with layers of whipped cream I now eat low-fat Greek yogurt with seasonal fruits and berries. I can honestly say I enjoy the latter more than I do the former. I also enjoy tasty spicy food and by preparing it myself instead of buying pre-packed and over processed food I can make just as tasty (I'd argue even more tasty) food that I enjoy. My number one rule this time around is not to eat anything that I dislike (FF cottage cheese, yuck)
Billy, I don't think you are really happy with your limited insular life but you really don't know what else there is out there to give you the pleasure that you get from food. I think you could start by trying new things and expanding your horizons. You challenged us to name just three things in our lives that are better than food and for me that was easy. So here they are:
1. My kids. They are now 15 and 9 and bring me much joy. Of course they are hard work at times but the effort I put into having a regular family life is paid back three-fold. Why would I want to leave my kid's life any earlier than necessary. If I'd continued being 290+ I bet it would not be many more years before my life would have been severely restricted by ill-health.
2. Travel. I love to travel and see new things and that includes tasting new foods. Travel demands a certain amount of stamina to be pleasurable. This year I achieved a long time ambition and visited Egypt. I was 220lbs at the time having lost 70lbs. At 290lbs I would probably have been miserable with the heat and certainly would not have managed to do all the walking and climbing needed to see the wonderful tombs and temples we visited. At 290lbs I would always have the worry about whether aeroplane seats would accommodate my girth - I had no worries at all 70lbs lighter.
3. My work. Yes it makes me sound like a sad g*t but its true. I enjoy my work, it is rewarding in many ways and even at a basic level allows me to enjoy 1 & 2 more fully as it gaves me sufficient disposable income to indulge my passions.
So there you have it, if you can truly say your current lifestyle gives you all that you desire then fine, you'll have nothing to motivate you to make the changes to lose weight. However if there's something you'd like to do, somewhere you'd like to visit, someone you'd want to share your life with and your weight is holding you back from doing these, then set some goals and start making the changes you need to achieve these.
BillyG, the reality is, no one else can "make" you lose weight. Your family can nag you and we can give you all of the reasons in the world why losing weight is a good thing. But until you want it, it ain't gonna happen.
You post a lot about how satisfied you are with the current state of things. But, are you really happy, deep down? You don't have to tell us, you only need to be honest with yourself. I wonder if you aren't trying to convince yourself that everything is hunky dory. (Methinks thou dost protest too much) When habits are very entrenched, it's hard to change, but it's NOT impossible. You have to ask yourself, is the pain of change going to be worse than the pain of where you are right now? Maybe yes, maybe no. Only you can decide. You can't do it for "them", you have to do it for you.
I can tell you why I wanted to lose weight -- I want to live a long and healthy life, able to participate in activities that I love as long as I possibly can. Period. The cosmetic aspect is entirely secondary. It's all about feeling good, maintaining functionality, and striving for optimal health. The diet and exercise effort is worth it to me to reap those benefits.
If you decide to commit to change, there are a lot of resources available to help you.
This is the first time I have read this thread. I represent the dregs of the human race and wear it like a badge of honor. Please give me feedback that I don't care about because me life is not worth it. Sounds like something someone who is severly depressed would say....
Venture a guess, but weight loss doesn't seem to be the real issue here.
I am enjoying this too. I find it cathartic. Maybe I will think about trying to diet. I know that I am disgusting to other people if I was only that disgusting to myself perhaps I would do something about it.
. Travel demands a certain amount of stamina to be pleasurable. This year I achieved a long time ambition and visited Egypt. I was 220lbs at the time having lost 70lbs. At 290lbs I would probably have been miserable with the heat and certainly would not have managed to do all the walking and climbing needed to see the wonderful tombs and temples we visited. At 290lbs I would always have the worry about whether aeroplane seats would accommodate my girth - I had no worries at all 70lbs lighter.
