A couple of days ago, I was watching a girl cycle on the bike. I had been observing people's body shapes for some time, trying to figure out what I might look like when this transformation is complete.
But then, I realized how scared I would be to be her size. And she was average thin/fit - what looks like more or less my goal! I've been aware of the fear for some time now. But whoa, what is going on?
I need to, want to, MUST figure out why I am so scared. This fear is keeping me back.
The thoughts I have so far are:
Change - I was a chubby child, an overweight adolescent, and now I'm obese at 24 years. So I've never really KNOWN myself as thin. I've also never known my body as thin. I've held myself back in life tremendously because of my insecurities about my weight. So once I'm thin, I won't be able to say "Oh, I can't do this because of my size" and find ways of discouraging myself from things that are valid but support insecurity. It's like I've let myself hide within all of this fat and when I emerge, it'll be ME - I'll have to figure out who that is, and I won't have any more excuses to keep me from getting out there, meeting people, living life, fulfilling my dreams, living my potential, etc.
Maybe on some level I'm worried about unwanted/disrespectful attention to my body too.
I'm really hoping to shed some light on this issue... I really need to lose this weight and not only keep going but keep it off. You see, last year I began to regain 35 of the 50 lbs that I had originally lost. I went from 262 to 211, and I could sense that I felt scared, but I didn't do very much about it. So I let myself re-gain. I didn't make a conscious decision to gain back the weight, but despite the "oh no, my pants are feeling tighter", I could feel the fear creeping away with each 5 lbs I gained.
I feel like there may be more to the fear than I am realizing. So I wanted to ask if anyone feels or has felt similarly or can shed some light?