Hi - I'm Jill. New here. I don't really know how to introduce myself so I am going to go out on a limb here an post my personal journal entry from yesterday just to let you all know where I am at.
March 26, 2002
Well it has happened. I have hit the proverbial rock bottom, and whatís completely ironic is that no one knows that I am here. I weighed in today at 258 pounds, more than I have ever weighed in my live. This means that I outweigh my boyfriend by 116 pounds. Disgusting. I couldnít sleep last night. Tossed and turned for about five hours finally getting to sleep around 5 a.m. Of course, this recent bout of depression and self-loathing largely participated with my skipping my classes today. I just couldnít get out of bed. I donít know what the **** I should do. I am back on my diet, hopefully how horrible I felt last night and today will motivate me to stick to it this time. I am going to go on a walk since the annoying sun is telling me that I have no excuse not to. I am so depressed and I donít know what to do about it. I think Iíll get drunk tonight. Maybe that will help. Iím starting this journal as a possible motivational tool. When I feel like binging or skipping my exercise I can read back through this and remind myself what I felt like when I weighed 258 pounds and how I absolutely cannot live like this. I am obviously not happy. I canít enjoy the gifts of my life - my boyfriend, my education, my friends. Everything revolves around food! Iíve spend the last two weekends not showered locked in my apartment eating. This is not me! I donít even know where I went. One this has happened though, I am no longer in denial. Being overweight is very negatively impacting what could be a very fabulous life and if I am going to be happy and successful like I have dreamed about my entire twenties , I have to do something about it. So hereís to a new beginning? Again. Hopefully, Iíll feel better tomorrow. I have to find a way to get out of Easter dinner on Sunday. Iím scared of the food and not being able to control myself. I donít think Iíll be confident enough by then.
So that's my lowdown, and yes, I did go out and get horribly drunk last night and wound up at the Wendy's drivethrough at 11 p.m with my boyfriend. I did go on a two mile walk though.
Today I got up and weighed myself at 161!! Holy cow. The upper end of the scale just never quits does it? But on an up side. I have been back on my program (Weight Watcher's) all day. Not one little screw up. I went on my walk and I'm ready to start over? I think I need a little support. Any willing givers?