Have any of you seen the movie "I am Sam" ?
(He is a ******ed dad trying to keep his daughter.)
There is a scene that just brings me to tears just remembering it.
I cried when I saw it... and I still cry today.
I could relate all too well ...and still can.
It is a scene where Sam says... " Do you know how hard
it is to try and try
with all your might to be like everyone else, but you just can't do it.... no matter how hard you try !!!"
Need I say more.
I have been depressed for several days now.
I am getting better with my food. I only cheat once a day now.
But I am still cheating.... and it is KILLING ME.
How many times can someone fail.????
I don't know how many...but I am going to keep trying...one more time.
I see so many others doing it...I am a smart woman...why not me??
I am a good person. I am not giving up yet.
that carbs are my binge foods.
I can live without them... well the bread and pasta and sugar.
I can get plenty of good carbs from vegetables and other healthier foods.
But knowing... is not doing.
I know what to do. Now I just have to do it.
This is a very sad post for me. I can't seem to stop my crying.
But I also know that just a couple of days can make a difference.
I have 2 days with only one cheat each day. Maybe tomorrow will be that non-cheat day.
I know you will all say to me... "Progress not perfection" and "Good is good enough" and "One day at a time". But I need more than words today... I need some accomplishments. I need ONE DAY of not cheating.!!!! I need to "not feel" like a failure.
I also need to get some sort of mobility again too...I can barely walk. My weight is truly killing me... not only physcially... emotionally too. I can barely walk. I can barely live. All I seem to be able to do is.... EAT.
What is so ironic... I was depressed early early this morning and wrote a post to all of you. I did not post it...instead I sent it to a dear friend.
Then I felt pretty darn good. I ate on program for breakfast, I ate grilled chicken for lunch. Felt pretty darn good.
Then... boom... depressed again about my weight and failure to get things done around the house. Decided to get a haircut and lift my spirits. And there they were... Girl Scout cookies.
After I finished the box.... I just drove and cried.
Now I am here to finish my day "on program."
I am not quitting... I am not putting my tail between my legs and running away.
I am wiping the crumbs off my face and I am drying my tears and then continuing on my road to a healthier life. I am accepting the shame I feel ...and then leaving it behind ... inside the cookie box in the trash.
I AM NOT a failure. I am only a woman who occasionally fails. There is BIG difference.
I hope more of you come and post. NOT to me. Just post about your life, your day. Post what you are doing for your recovery.
I have tried to recover alone before... it worked worst than all my failures in here. LOL
At least here... I keep trying. Thanks for being here for me.