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Old 07-18-2008, 08:34 PM   #1
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Unhappy In need of encouragement...yet again...

Let me just first off say, that I ****ing hate myself.
and I am crushed.
My entire life in school (as a kid throughout being a teen), I have been made fun of/harrassed because of being overweight. It was like a defense mechanism people would use on me just to see how powerful they truly were. I would get harrassed by nearly everyone; even if I so much as sat in a corner reading a book. I was never even THAT big, just chunky as a kid.

In the 8th grade I had to switch schools because of financial reasons. The new school I was at was pure ****, and I have a lot of issues to this day because of what people did to me back then.
In my gym class, people made fun of me for not wanting to change my clothes in front of them(because I was self conscious). When I eventually began to change in the locker room, I got watched nearly every day.
One day we had scooter races, and the girl who was stuck with having to push me across the gym exchanged a look to all of her friends, thinking that I didn't see her. She kept mumbling a lot of awful things to me, and overexaggerated the entire fiasco.
Oh, and by the time we reached the end of the gym, she SLAMMED me shoulder first into the wall, knowing I wouldn't be able to stop myself. The entire class, including the gym teacher all burst out into laughter.
I didn't know what hurt more- my shoulder, or my feelings.

Digital cameras were also a major bust. On graduation picture day, the really popular girls thought it would be hilarious to take a picture with me.
I'm not stupid, and I knew there was some mean of sabatoge that they had on their mind.
They came up to me and asked me in a half-assed tone if I would take a picture with them. They all literally had a smirk on their faces, and just looked like they were trying as hard as they could to not laugh. I ran off crying into the bathroom.
Yeah. digital cameras need to be hurled towards the sun.


There was so much more that happened, but I would be here until next christmas writing it all out.

I know I sound like a self-loathing loser.
But lately I feel like crap, and I find myself losing sleep at night with the recurring memories I had as a kid.

I thought I was doing okay with my WL attempts.
But then today, I was in the car with my mom, and I saw a really skinny girl running in short-shorts, and one of those sports bras.
I made a comment that I would never wear that outside[only because I'd be afraid of the creepers around here, but I failed to mention this after my comment]
and my mom said, "well it's not like she's obese or anything."
great. now my mom thinks I'm obese.

I was really shocked by my mom saying this, because she never says things like that.

Needless to say, the rest of the car ride was silent and awkward.




Ughh.
does anyone else ever have a hard time with things like this, and just want to jump in front of a freaking bus??
It's amazing to me how fast/easily people can make a person feel so low about themselves.

/end of rant./
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Old 07-18-2008, 10:35 PM   #2
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I am sorry that you feel this way about yourself. I will admit it is easy not to "love yourself" when you are overweight and self-esteem may be headed in the opposite direction than the numbers on the scale, but YOU CAN CHANGE THAT.
I have always been a bit chubby as a kid and I knnow that one can easily feel like an outcast. But hey, those girls on your graduation day were really nasty. Don't you want to show them, and all other people who disapprove, silently or otherwise, of your weight - don't you want to show them that you can become anything you want? Let your frustration be your fuel and driving force and I can guarantee you that once you start losing weight, you will feel 100% better about yourself.

I never thought I would become a fitness fanatic at the ripe age of 49, but here I am. Actually just before I came here, to 3FC, to check if there are any posts to read before I go to bed, I spent some time surfing and reading about Dara Torres. If she can return to the Olympics as a 41-year old, surely you can lose some weight. Remember, you are doing this for yourself. I have downloaded this picture of Dara and put it on my desktop (for some 20 years, there has never been a photograph other than a greyhound and now I am switching to Olympic athletes] ). I may never look like her - actually I should say I will never look like her, but that's not going to stop me from trying very hard. Would you like to join me? You have nothing to lose - except some weight, as Ezmoney likes to say.
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Old 07-18-2008, 11:25 PM   #3
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I am sorry you feel that way, Chubbs. Believe me, I know how you feel, I was made fun of daily from grade 3 to the day I graduated from high school (my only respite was during summer vacation). Graduation was almost 20 years ago, and it took a long time for me to get over it. I didn't have so much of a problem with girls - mostly guys who would ask me out (I always knew they were just being mean and not sincere) to singing stuff like "You Are So Beautiful to Me" (to this day I still hate that song). It took me years to learn that I wasn't trash and that I could attract a guy and that I was worthy.
Sometimes I still feel like a loser and "unworthy", but luckily, that doesn't happen very often. Have you thought of counselling?
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Old 07-18-2008, 11:32 PM   #4
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I too went through crap in school. Unrelated to weight. What that has done to your self-esteem will of course affect your weight and health, but it's a great big problem on it's own. It will eat and eat and eat at you. Get help now. You can wait decades before you get help, and I can tell you, the price is too high.
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Old 07-18-2008, 11:45 PM   #5
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I could have written those lines about your school experiences. I had the same thing - from grade school through highschool. To this day, I sometimes cringe about how I was treated and feel some very strong feelings towards those kids - and I am 40!

The thing is, you can't let how someone else treats you define your self-worth. It just isn't worth it. Accepting yourself as human is a great way to start. Everyone has their own set of problems. Yours (and the rest of us on this site) happen to have a very visible issue - ie our weight.

Your weight doesn't define you, it doesn't make you any less deserving of happiness or love. It doesn't make you any less of a person. Period.
Losing the weight isn't going to make you happy, or love yourself. Only you can do that from the inside. It takes time, and part of the healing process is going to be painful, and it is going to be slow - but you are so very worth it.

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Old 07-18-2008, 11:47 PM   #6
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Chubbs..I know that life has been hard on you, but you have to know that no one can make you feel bad about yourself but you. You have to choose to like you before anyone else will. I gotta tell you someone told me this a few years ago and my first reaction was "What a load of crap" and "they have no idea what they are talking about or have been thru what I have been thru", but I have to tell you it is soooo true. You have to want to do this for you not for anyone else or it simply will not work.

Let me tell you, now is the time to be selfish. If you want to lose..for you... then do it. Think about you, really think about what you could do for exercise, you may hate it at first, but after you start getting healther and stronger, you may not love it, but you not be happy if you don't.

Also, take baby steps. As you said you have been this way for a long time so it is not going to happen overnight. This is NOT A DIET!!! This is a lifestyle change!!! It's all about smarter choices.

Find out what motivates you. I know that I don't like what the scales say sometimes, because I am at a temporary "plataeu"..so I check my measurements instead. And that makes things better, so before you change anything. Weight yourself and then take lots of measurements. Be sure to measure in the same place each time and keep a log so you can see your progress. You will lose way more inches than you do pounds...really!

Use all of us on 3FC, we understand your struggles, everyone's story may be a little different, but we are all here for one goal.

Lastly..don't be so hard on yourself. You will have good days and bad days in everything in life. Nothing worthwhile in life is easy...you just have to do it. You will know if you are truly ready. In the meantime, educate yourself on support groups, weight management programs and most of all you!

Hope this helps.
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Old 07-19-2008, 12:03 AM   #7
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Hey Chubbs,

I really admire you because I think you're a surviovor. People go through so much. Some people survive cancer, some survive depression, some survivie the holocaust, some survive sexual abuse or abusive parents or husbands. It's likely that some of the people that tortured you had their own issues and rather than be kind, they lashed out at you to make themselves feel better. Can you imagine how pathetic THAT is? If anyone should hate themselves, it is those people who put you down so much. It is totally understandable that you feel traumatized by your experiences. But, you need to find a way to stop abusing yourself now. Why let what those people did/said make you do it to yourself now? I don't know if you believe in God or a higher power, but if you do, then you probably know that you are loved and you are amazing. You're in the right place because most of us on here have had some sort of trauma that has led us to this path of weight gain. Now, we walk hand in hand and try to take as many of eachother as we can across to the other side called: goal. I hope you'll take my hand and walk across with me. Stop bashing yourself and be kind to yourself. Love yourself and know that you are a great person. No matter how bad you feel, you would never ever put someone else down and make them feel bad and none of the people who hurt you so bad had such a kind quality. I'll bet a lot of them are really ashamed of how they behaved but even if they're not, I (personally) believe that what goes around, comes around. Move on if you can. Find a way. Be consistent with your efforts. There have been so many people in this community that have managed to find their way out of feeling badly about themselves and getting healthier and you can too. There's no reason at all why you can't.
<<<HUGS>>> to you.
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Old 07-19-2008, 03:10 AM   #8
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hi chubbs, i really feel for you. I had a tough time in high school too, i was teased and buullied for different reasons, but i know it really hurts.

I try to use it as motivation. You WILL lose the weight, but what's better is you will be healthy and happier. Show them how strong you really are
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Old 07-19-2008, 03:35 AM   #9
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Quote:
The thing is, you can't let how someone else treats you define your self-worth. It just isn't worth it. Accepting yourself as human is a great way to start. Everyone has their own set of problems. Yours (and the rest of us on this site) happen to have a very visible issue - ie our weight.
Oh how I agree with this. And I agree, you are a survivor of your experiences. I keep wanting to say how sorry I am that you were so hurt and that you had to go through that. And I definitely am sorry, I dont wish that kind of pain on anyone. But then I think what a disservice it would be to wish away all of our pain, because despite how awful it can be and how much we dont want it, it helps us become who we are. It can serve us well, ironically. You see, there is nothing - absolutely nothing - that we cant surmount. I am sorry that those kids had so little kidness that they treated you as they did, you definitely did not deserve any of it. You deserve to be treated with respect and feel good.. and while that can be so difficult to feel when your self-esteem and sense of worth has been knocked down repeatedly, it is one of the most important things in the world. You cant change what happened but you can decide how you will let it influence you in the present and future. I know its so easy for me to type that without being in your shoes and feeling what you are feeling right now, but I can honestly say Ive been there - sometimes still am - with my own struggles. And sometimes it doesnt seem fair that you have to climb uphill and struggle for how others have pushed you down, but only you can make that climb. The wonderful thing is that you can absolutely do it, and that it will be spectacular once you do. You can liberate yourself from the pain you once experienced, and you deserve to. I know its awful to feel alone and crushed like you can barely stand or keep on breathing.. but you CAN. Find a way to gain something from your experiences, even as painful as they were, let them serve you positively in some way. Reach for your strength that you have within to accept yourself and define yourself on your terms - you deserve to and you are absolutely worth it! Keep on hanging in there!!
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Mini-goal 2: Reach 222lbs
Mini-goal 3: Reach 209lbs
Mini-goal 4: Reach 199!
Mini-goal 5: Reach 179 lbs (overweight BMI category!!)
Mini-goal 6: Reach 160lbs
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Old 07-19-2008, 04:00 AM   #10
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kids are the cruelest of the lot!....
trust me i know i work in the school i was educated in....

i was ribbed when i was a school child....
i was very overweight....
i had people doing all sorts to me, even pinching my bum in order to piss take....
to this day i still think about some of the comments that were made to me....
'any girl over ten stone is fat'....

it does hurt, but i turned all mine round to use as motivation....
ill show em....
ill get there....
id love to see them in about 6-8 months and see what there like now....

as for the women with short shorts and a bra top....
id never feel comfortable enuf to wear that out....
not even if i was super skinny and perfect....
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Old 07-19-2008, 06:24 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fiberlover View Post
. . . The thing is, you can't let how someone else treats you define your self-worth. It just isn't worth it. Accepting yourself as human is a great way to start. Everyone has their own set of problems. Yours (and the rest of us on this site) happen to have a very visible issue - ie our weight.
How right you are! I remember reading one of those intuitive eating-type books, and the author made this same point. She said that there's a tendency for overweight people to somehow believe that "naturally" thin people are "normal" whereas they (i.e., the overweight people) are flawed. The truth is that "naturally" thin people may be terrible with their personal finances or their relationships or their work habits----the list goes on. The visible issue that they have a handle on, though, is their weight, and in our looks-obsessed society, that apparently matters to many people.

I concur with the recommendations to seek counseling. I think that would help. You are not the person that those immature jerks in school made you out to be.

Also, I find that I'm extra-sensitive concerning weight comments. Is it possible that your mother's comment was solely about the girl? Based on what you wrote, she didn't mention you and how you would look in the outfit. She may not have even been thinking about that.
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Old 07-19-2008, 08:19 PM   #12
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Oh honey you are so not alone! Like Fiberlover posted, "I could have written those lines about your school experiences."

Ha! I suddenly remember giving a speech in HS for a poli-sci course about the abortion debate and afterwards having the girl seated next to me lean over to whisper "What are you worried about, no one will ever want to have sex with you". And that's a tamer example.

Also I relate to having a mom like that, hypercritical about my body because she was always bouncing around 40 pounds herself (from waaaay too skinny to curvy).

It's taken me years out of HS to gain any sort of perspective on who I really am beyond my body type. I was very very unhappy and never thought I could control my weight and appearance.

Reading your post you sound smart, witty, and just about mad enough to push towards your goals. I hope the chip on your shoulder is as big as mine, because it's gotten me through this as much as any positive motivation did.

Living well is the best revenge - George Herbert. Those aren't just words. Just wait until your 10 year high school reunion, it will be pretty funny.
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Old 07-20-2008, 09:11 PM   #13
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Thank you so much everyone. <3
I've been feeling really down lately, but everyone's encouragement has made me feel so much better.
You have all made my life so much happier; I honestly don't know what I would have done.

I have such a better outlook now that I've read your responses.

I want to PM you all, but I can't since I don't have enough posts yet.

Thank you all again!!!
:]

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Old 07-20-2008, 09:47 PM   #14
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You are most welcome, and please keep posting so that we know how you are doing. And remember - you are not alone! We are all here for you so if you have a moment when things don't seem too rosy, hit the keyboard and let us know. It happens to everybody and it's much easier to get over those moments with support from friends.
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Old 07-20-2008, 10:04 PM   #15
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Awww big hug from all the way over here!!! I know your pain. In 8th grade (always those awful years)...I lost a lot of weight but got acne and unfortunately was not aware of my cellulite and we wore skirts...Well the girls would call me cottage cheese legs or pizza face...uggghhh...My teachers would never move me when I requested because of the teasing from this little boy who I could of decked...My brother got wind of me being teased and he gathered the whole football team and threatened the boy and threw some desks at him...Never teased again...Anyways now that I look at it these people who teased me are nowhere in life...My mom taught me a good line.."I may be fat but I can lose it, but you will always be a *expletive* .."


My mom has made numerous remarks about my weight saying wow your bum looks as wide as a submarine and you will never get a man because no man wants a fat girl blah blah blah. I will never have grandchildren etc...I never let it get to me because I know she doesn't really mean to be hateful...

Luckily I found this site where we are fortunate enough to communicate with a prejudice
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