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Old 07-18-2008, 10:03 AM   #1
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Unhappy I need help for a friend!

Okay everyone! So, I've got this friend. She is a really great person. She is fun to be around, she is kind, and she cares about other people. She loves her family. One of her biggest problems is putting everyone else ahead of her needs and wants which ends up sabotaging her weight loss efforts. I hope she doesn't read this cause I'm sure she will get mad but I'm trying to do this for her own good...I'm running out of ideas....

Here is a little about her....

She used to live here in Tennessee. She had a so so job (good benefits like insurance and paid holidays off and 2 weeks of vacation and such but crappy pay). She had plenty of friends. She was at a really good weight for her height. She is pretty and spunky at times...LOL...sounds like she was doing pretty well huh??? But she just wasn't happy with her life....she either didn't have a man or the one she had or liked was being a butt hole to her....I would say the majority of her problems here was she didn't have a BF and wanted one...she wants to get married and have kids. Her standards are a little high I think...I think that is part of the problem...she wants a hot ripped up guy that makes loads of money and will treat her like a queen....LOL ....don't we all!! Well she finally thought she would never find what she wanted here so she moved to Illinois to live with her dad and sister and work at her dad's pizza place....

She has been there for 5 years. Her weight has went way up....from what it was when she was here...she hates her life even more. Her dad is a drunk and very verbally abusive to her. She hates working in that hot pizza place...and that is part of the reason she has gained so much weight. She doesn't have any friends up there, no man still, and doesn't get out and do anything because she is so self conscience. She is fixing to be 29 and she is freaking out cause still no man, no kids...nothing.

I try to talk to her and tell her things....I finally have her convinced to move back down here...away from her dad and that pizza place....I think that will help alot.....but I'm trying to get her to eat better and exercise....its one excuse after another....I can't eat right because I work around food, I can't plan my meals what if I don't want what I planned, but I'm soooo hungry all the time, but I'm too tired, but I have always eaten alot even when I was smaller....so forth and so on...

I have tried to tell her the reason she is soooo tired all the time and hungry all the time is her high intake of sugar and carbs...she won't listen
Does anyone know any good reliable websites with info on this that I could give to her?

Any words of advice....its like if it isn't her idea she won't listen...or everything I say she has an excuse for...she is sooo unhappy...I just want her to be happy!
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Old 07-18-2008, 10:17 AM   #2
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Seriously, the best thing you can do is lead by example. No one is going to change her except her. If she's sees you eating clean and losing weight, she will follow suit. But trying to talk to her about it over and over might drive her away.
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Old 07-18-2008, 10:35 AM   #3
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I have to agree that you probably can only really lead by example. She has to want to do it herself. It's just going to be something that one day she just wakes up and says, this is it. This is the day. And you can be there with all your wealth of knowledge and recipes. Of course, to try to start her off on that path, you could always try to find some very simple, basic, low cal/low fat/low carb (which ever) recipes that you like that you "just have to share" with her. Maybe once she moves back down, if she can live close to you, you can have her over for a very healthy dinner or lunch sometime and just share your lifestyle with her a little. Invite her to workout with you and stuff.

Other than that, i just don't know what you can do. It really is just up to her. I've tried to help the girls here but they just don't really want to do it, but the people i haven't even hardly spoke to, saw me losing the weight and they decided to do something about theirs. I lead by example without uttering a word to those people. But the ones i talk their ears off about how i did it, it's just falling on deaf ears. Go figure. lol.
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Old 07-18-2008, 10:36 AM   #4
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I agree with Michelle125--focus on your own weight loss and be a good example. Encourage her to make positive changes, but respect that she's an adult and has her own path.

I once had a therapist say to me, "Jay, you are not the Red Cross."

And neither are you! Stay with your own issues and work on them. Be a friend to her, offer her your love and your support if she wants it. But don't go on a mission...

Jay
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Old 07-18-2008, 02:00 PM   #5
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Thanks everyone! This helps alot. At least I don't feel like its my fault anymore. I guess the frustrating part is that she constantly whines and complains about everything...thats all she does...poor me...my life sucks...I've been delt such a bad hand...etc etc...what should I do...then its when I answer her questions that she has all the excuses and doesn't want to hear what I'm saying....so this is what I'm going to do the next time she starts whining and feeling sorry for herself and asks me what to do I'm gonna say...

"Look, we go over and over this. You never want to hear anything I have to say. Just enjoy your misery cause apparently thats what you like. I don't really think you want to be happy. I don't mind being your friend and hanging out and doing things and talking and having a good time, but when you constantly complain about everything in your life, it brings me and my mood down. I don't want to be down because I realize I control my life and thats what I'm doing....and I want to be happy and fit and have fun! If you want to do that come on and lets have fun....if not just stay home and sulk!"

Maybe some tough love will do her good?
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Old 07-18-2008, 03:28 PM   #6
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Well, I wouldn't say that to her, either--it would be too harsh, don't you think? That could be the end of your friendship right then and there.

Maybe you could just not talk to her as often as you have been--be busy with other things... work on trying to change the subject when you do talk to her, if she starts in on her old song... Be sympathetic, but don't try either to solve her problems or to make her stop. Something like,

"Gosh, I'm so sorry to hear that nothing has gotten better for you. I've been trying something new myself--<I read a book, I joined a gym, I've been walking in the morning, I've started doing some volunteer work, etc.>--and it's been helping me feel more positive."

And then, if she just wants to get back to herself and her complaining, then bring the conversation to a close. The water's boiling over, something's happening outdoors, I'm late to an appointment... or just, gosh, look at the time--I've got to get going.

That way you are neither shoving her away hard OR letting her take up your time.

Jay
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Old 07-18-2008, 08:35 PM   #7
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I think all you can do is be positive and help her through the rough spots. If she's pessimistic about something, always try to see the optimistic side of things.

I was clinically depressed a few years back, and it took me a while to find the light and get out of my self dug hole (which turned out to be totally imaginary looking back over that time). I am so grateful my friends stuck by me and were always happy to see me no matter how I was feeling on the inside and how much I was destroying myself on the outside.
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