So, those of you who've seen me around for a while know that I've managed to overcome the "I'm on a diet" mentality as well as getting past the "a good
diet is under 1000 calories (and a REALLY
good diet is 500)" attitude that was drilled into my head practically since birth. I even joked in a post a few weeks ago that I'd gotten sort of *zen* about the scale not moving downward as fast as I would like and look at it as a "maintenance rehearsal" as long as it doesn't go up. So, what's up with this?
Because of my *starvation* background - coupled with my hideous food choices - I had to start out at a rather low number (with the OK of my doctor) and have been working diligently to gradually increase my caloric intake of good "clean" foods to a healthy level. I'm not completely convinced (yet
) that I might ever really need 2000 so I have been aiming at being able to eat between 1800 and 1900 for maintenance; with the plan being that, as my exercise intensity and my calories go up, my weight will go down and eventually they will meet at a *happy place* where everything will level off
Of course, it's not really set in stone and I've already made adjustments (kind of a lot of adjustments
) to the original plan but, I have managed to get all the way up to between 1400 and 1500 calories with only a few mental gasps as I'm plugging everything in to fitday.
I recently decided to increase my activity level so thought this might be a good time to move to the next step - the 1500 to 1600 range. Yesterday I ended up at 1517 and Nearly had a full blown panic attack! Now, today, I brought just under 1200 worth of food to the office for the day with a light (300ish cal) dinner planned for home tonight but suddenly I have this little voice peeping in my ear that "you're not really hungry - don't eat it" and "you ate so much yesterday it'll be OK if you skip dinner". Along with an irrational fear that 40lbs is going to reappear overnight if I put one more grape in my mouth.
I'm actually having this ridiculous mental argument with myself and trying to cajole and bribe the little voice to shut up - telling it things like "just eat a leeeetle over 1500 for a day or two. I promise that if the scale goes up even a fraction of a pound we'll go all the way back down to 1200 and start over).
Then there's the "your body's trying to tell you something - 1500 is more than it needs" thing that's sneaking in there too (and dang near has me convinced it's right). Do you think it could be right? Is my body just not ready to process any more calories right now? Or have I just swapped obsessing over the number on the scale for obsessing over the number on the fitday diagram? Or, am I just totally losing it?
eep breath: Thanks, I feel better just getting that off my chest