I'm obsessed with food, and in a negative way. I've previously battled eating disorders... ever since I was about 12-14 years old (I'm now 20). After a serious meltdown I saw a therapist and slowly started getting better.
My old roommate (I kicked her out. She was a really toxic person and just bad news all around) had anorexia. She recently got out of inpatient so she was 220 lbs and starving her way back down. Seeing her lose weight so quickly, and the snide remarks she would make to me about her losing weight so fast brought back too many bad memories and habits.
The last couple of months I've been going back and forth between starving and binging and taking laxatives. Right now I'm at 145 lbs. I didn't think that I had a problem. I thought that I was okay and that I could handle what I was doing and go back to *normal eating* when I was ready.
Yesterday I started trying to eat normally, to lose weight healthily. I put myself at about 1200 calories a day... and yesterday I ate more like 1400 and I was so upset at myself. This morning I got on the scale and gained a lb from yesterday. I got SO MAD, and I just wanted to break the scale and cry.
I know, logically, that your weight fluctuates from day to day. I know that sodium and hormones can make your body retain water but I don't know... it's like there's this other, irrational side of me that takes over and makes me feel like crap.
I want to go see a therapist but in about a month I'm moving back to Seattle from NC, so I don't want to start seeing somebody and then have to leave.
I guess I just wanted to vent, and get any support or advice that anyone has to give.
Sorry it was so long.