[lipidful]

Perception is such a strange thing. Or was it formerly denial? Why is it that when I was weighing upwards of 230 lbs. I didn't feel absolutely huge-yet now that I'm around 155 (up from a low of 140), I do feel huge? (And why am I letting myself backslide like this? ) I realize this is a whole process of figuring out what feels right for me, and 145 might be right (it's harder to lose weight once your weight is lower!!!) But what confuses me most is how I just feel so FAT even though I know I'm not! Anybody else get this? It's like my expectations of myself are different. I can actually FEEL those extra 10 pounds or so. It's so strange.

[GradPhase]

I know EXACTLY what you mean.

I felt fine and normal (relatively at least) around 165, now that I'm down to 142 I just want to hide my body as much as possible. I hate passing by mirrors in stores, and I'm actually nervous about seeing my guy again for the first time in three months.

[pinkcarnation]

I'm riding a roller coaster of out of whack body perception.

[mandalinn82]

Oh man, do I understand.

When I was nearly 300 lbs, I felt big, sure. But I actually felt BIGGER this Jan/Feb, after gaining around 10 lbs over the holidays, to a high of 175.

It isn't logical, but in a way, it's good...you won't ever let yourself get to the much bigger sizes again, since you're hyper-aware.

[lipidful]

Thanks for your replies. It's amazing, isn't it? I'm an apple shape, so I gain in my belly, and my belly feels absolutely HUGE to me right now. Why didn't I notice so much when I was so much heavier?

[Salubrious Fervor]

i think it is more the fear that it the BIG feeling, not actually the weight.

3 years ago I was about 175, which I loved and maintained for about 2 years and when i slowly gained 15 pounds I was afraid of being that fat girl again...which in turn became to bad things.

and then LOTS of pounds over the next year, because i kept beating myself up about it. now i know i can't beat my self up, I need to lift myself up.

[lipidful]

hmmmm so true. I really need to quit feeling down and just DO something about it. I KNOW what to do! I've been doing it for over 3 years! So what changed? I can actually feel myself sabotaging myself. Why? I thought I loved myself.

[mayness]

I'm mainly writing because I wanted to say that I think your username is so clever and it made me laugh out loud.

One thing I noticed was that after losing 25 pounds, when I gained back 20 of them, I felt ENORMOUS. Way bigger than before I lost the weight, even though I'm still just above the "overweight" line according to all the charts and whatnot.

Sometimes I think it's a good thing. Like before, I thought I was just "supposed to" be 145 pounds. But now that I finally got it through my head that I can and will be a healthy weight, I'm upset that I'm not at that weight this very moment. I try to use it as motivation, but some days it makes me not want to run outside, or do other fun stuff.

[Salubrious Fervor]

We all sabotage ourselves sometimes, it's when we don't admit it we have a real problem I think. You realize you are making poor choices, now the question to ask is why?

Is it because it seems easier? Not a good enough excuse, it certainly isn;t easier to walk up a flight of stairs for me with all this extra weight.

Is it because it is a security blanket? Not a good enough excuse, I can be a better protector of myself if i can move and communicate better within my own body,!

what do you think some of your reasons are?

[lipidful]

Haha I should probably change my name to lipidLESS, because it's wishful thinking, and because it's mostly true! LOL
I think another fear of mine if I try to lose that weight again is having the reactions of people around me again that I'm "becoming anorexic" or something like that (you know, that "jealous", sabotaging reaction) even though I try hard NOT to talk about food or weight issues in front of family members b/c I believe it's tedious. But even that excuse doesn't hold water, b/c how often am I in front of my mother anyway? A couple of times a month? Geez, I need to just get a grip!!!!

[FlabulessPhyllis]

Totally understand! If I eat bad one day I feel every cell of blubber on my body but if i eat right i feel skinny. When I was heavier I was like well i'm chubby but not that huge. Now I think about what I must've actually looked like and am mortified.

[lipidful]

OMG, Flabuless-I LOVE that name! toooooo funnny
Why would one sabotage onesself? I don't know. Or am I just bored?
Is it as deep as sabotage or is it simply looking for something to do? I think I need to examine this or the same thing will keep happening!

[Mom2QJandT]

I feel worse about my body now than I ever did when I was at my heaviest. At my heaviest it was a lost cause and I didn't care, I was just me. I also think, now that I've lost a lot of weight, that I feel like everyone's looking at me with an extra eagle eye and also that "they" (who are they, anyway?) think that I'll gain it all back anyway. I don't know how much time I spend in front of the mirror contorting my body into different, more pleasant shapes, but I know that if I spent that amount of time at the gym it would be time better spent!

[lipidful]

That is one of my insecurities, too-that people are scrutinizing me. Which I think is totally unfair because I NEVER talked about the whole thing with anybody but this board, a friend w/a similar situation, and sometimes my bf. I also never EVER did anything show-off-y. So I just want to be left alone to figure myself out!