I wouldn't want to admit this to most people, but I am starting this weight loss journey and asking for the support of 3FC not for my BMI creeping over the "obese" scale, or the rampant Type II Diabetes in my family, or even the 3 heart attacks my grandmother suffered...though those are the life-sustaining reasons.
I am doing this so I will cut out the middle man between me and the dating, single world.
I hide behind my weight as the reason I don't date. I'm not sure what my reason was when I was thin for not dating, but now I can easily look at a picture of myself or think of a guy I like and talk myself out of feelings or dreams of motherhood with a simple, "You're too fat right now. Maybe one day."
This mask came in a weird intervention from my mom and brother. My brother cornered me on the beach a few years ago and said I needed to lose weight so I could get married one day. In a fit of rage, I screamed and asked my mom to explain that he was being ridiculous. She just said "You know what he means. First impressions."
I have never been so crushed and let down in my life. From that day on, I have gained and gained weight. Sure there are other reasons, not just that conversation, but a light turned off inside my heart that day. One that helped me hope that I would creep out from behind my walls and open myself up to dating. Sure there were extra pounds, but we weren't our athletic high school selves anymore. I wasn't staying single because I thought I was too fat.
Now, though. I hide behind my fat. Where I didn't feel fat that day with my mom and brother, now I am genuinely fat and feel fat. I've made what they told me true to me too. If I protect myself in layers of fat, I will never have to face whatever it is that stopped me from dating at a healthy weight because now I just blame it on the fat.
I want kids one day. I want to share my home with someone who makes me laugh.
I just don't think I will ever figure out why it's not happening if I keep protecting myself as the fat girl.
And I also don't want to keep on letting the years go by without putting myself out there.
I know I am doing this for my health, that's the ultimate goal.
But I have to admit, (and I do want to fight the media idea of beauty) the motivation now IS my broken heart.