Good News is that I have gotten back into music with some old musician friends, practiced, and now am ready for the local open mic.
For quite some years bargained with myself saying : "If only I were performing, then I'd have reason and full self assurance to drop this weight " ... but it's so humiliating to see that it's not happening like that , as of yet. The Bad News is that I *still* feel completely insecure, and helpless to change things --regardless.
I'm terrified that I'm really going to be seen, though I'm so near to the music goal of performing, I'm still so far from my physical image goal >> and I feel so unattractive !!!
I'd have never thought I could be so attached (like with a ball & chain!) to this gawdawful frumpiness at fortyfive.
I've been let loose in the back country and become a hermit, for far too long now, with zero flare. I swear, it's like I'm actually afraid to Look Good (with makeup and fancy clothes and all of that). That's frightening !