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Fat causing a riff in my marriage! I need support please

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Old 11-20-2001, 11:24 PM   #1
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Default Fat causing a riff in my marriage! I need support please

First of all let me introduce myself! I am a 29 year old stay at home mother to two daughters! They are 3 and 2 years old. I have been married for 9 years now going on 10 next year!

As a child I have never had a weight problem. I was a size 7 to a size 9 throughout high school. However I did start putting on weight in the summer of 1990! I was 18 years old and losing weight was the easiest thing for me to do when I would put on the pounds. Then when I turned 23 I really started to put on the pounds and before I knew it I had two children in 98 and 99 and now I weigh 280! I have managed to gain 140 pounds in the 12 years that I have been with my husband (we dated for the first 3 1/2 years)been with him since I was 16! Well in the beginning of my marriage it was hard for my husband to cope with me putting on weight. Then after a year of two with hard times he finally started just loving me for me. I think that is when I really began to feel comfortable and then just let myself go! Now it has come to a point that my husband is very frustrated for the simple fact that I don't take care of myself or my body. I have totally given up on myself!! He is even threatning to leave me if I can't get this under control. He is the best man and father you ever want to meet and know and so I know that he this isn't what he wants to do because he has stressed the many times. He has told me a numerous amount of times that he loves me more than anything in this world but he can't continue to stay by my side if I continue to keep hurting myself by becoming uncontrollably fat!!! Please I am at my wits end. I have no clue on how to even begin to think of losing all this weight! I don't want to lose my husband because he is my life as well as my daughters!!!!! I am so deeply hurt and so deeply angry at myself that sometimes I wish my life could just end like that. But I have family that is my heart and I couldn't even phathom the thought!!!!!!! Thanks for reading this far!
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Old 11-21-2001, 02:09 AM   #2
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Hello 2fatfor2long...
Our stories are sooo similar. My husband and I also dated since we were 16, in fact we met in Aug and my husband didn't turn 16 till Sept.
We also had lots of problems about my weight.
I wish I had time to sit and share with you but unfortunatly I don't. I should not have even peeked in here tonight. I am sooo far behind for overnight guests for Thanksgiving.

But I had to stop long enough to tell you to keep posting in here and reading. I won't be able to get back to you till next monday. I also want to tell you that it is often slow in the entire forum during holidays so don't give up on us in here. If no one is posting then go back and read old posts. I belong to a group called 300+ and Ready to Try again. You are more than welcome to join us there. But if you would rather... I know EVERY group in here will welcome you with open arms.

Oh by the way... my husband and I are STILL married. Nearly 32 years now. I just wanted you to know you are NOT ALONE.
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Old 11-21-2001, 07:50 AM   #3
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Hi 2fat! I can't say anything about the marriage issues, as I'm not married but I can say that you've made a great big step by coming here! As 2cute says, ANY group on ANY board will welcome you and support you So are you REALLY determined to do this then? It sure sounds like it! So make the first steps... they only need to be small...
Walk a couple of extra stops before the mall
Join a gym or health club - you will NOT be the biggest person there!
Buy some exercise tapes
Cut down your portion sizes - there's no need to ban everything straight away, but if you normally have 5 chocolate cookies a day, they try to just have two... if you normally have roast potatoes, try baked or boiled instead... grill (broil?) instead of fry...
Eat slowly and notice how good your food tastes! You'll realise you're full quite quickly...
If you've got a lot to lose, then initially you should notice quite big differences - I'm not a member, but if you're at a loss on how to start, then maybe you should check out Weight Watchers, TOPPS or some other diet club - lots of people make good friends there too
Hope this helps! See you around the boards soon
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Old 11-21-2001, 09:18 AM   #4
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I"m glad your husband has been at least civil in this matter, since some men can be downright mean. He obviously cares about you and your health! I'm sure he'll be supportive in your efforts and that's a good thing.

I would start slowly if I were you. And don't expect to be the size you were when you were 16. You've had two children after all! BUt you can start on the road to becoming healthier. It's NOT an easy road. Old habits are hard to break and new ones are even harder to make. But you CAN do it. Take it one day at a time, or even one minute at a time. Give yourself a non-food reward for every five pounds that you lose, like maybe a bubble bath or a manicure or some new clothes in your current size.

Most of all, make sure that you're doing this for you and you're health, and not just doing it for your husband. That will be key in taking the weight off and keeping it off. Do this for you! It's not easy being over weight. Being thin is not easy either but it's better.

I used Weight Watchers to lose my weight and it was GREAT. The Points system was easy to understand and I love the group meetings and the accountability of weighing in. BUT if that's not your style, you can join TOPS (which doesn't cost as much) or maybe use Richard Simmons new program, which I've heard is wonderful and fun.

Whatever you choose, do this for YOU. And remember that you didn't gain the weight overnight and you won't lose it overnight either. Seek out support and ASK for HELP! That's the hard part! Post with us here on the board. There's many wonderful groups here. Internet support has been great for me. Ask your husband to help you be accountable to yourself. Try low-fat recipes that you can find on this website.

Most of all, believe in yourself and believe that you're worth it. Do it for you kids, because you want to be there when they grow up. Take care.

Love, Lisa
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Old 11-22-2001, 09:33 PM   #5
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My thoughts and prayers are with you as you battle this weight issue. I've just browsed over from our Christian Encourager
and wanted to say hi.
The remark that bothers me beyond words is that "husband & leave" in the same sentence !!!! Marriage is much more than weight, yours or his.
Please start a get healthy program for YOU not for any spouse.
Threats have never worked as encouragement .
Threats are "mean".
A Marriage built on Love and Committment doesn't ever include that word "leave".
A Marriage with God beside you can withstand everything!

God Bless,
Sister Joanne ( Southern Ontario Canada).
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Old 11-23-2001, 03:52 PM   #6
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Default Don't lose heart, lose weight!

It's easier said than done, but I have been there. My ex-husband was gaining right along with me, and when I was 267 he was over 300. He said he'd leave because he couldn't stand to see me like this. Well, we dieted together. He lost it faster than I did, and then, he left anyway. The funny thing is, after I got over it, I went on to lose 30 more just to spite him! Now his new girlfriend is bigger than me, and I want to ask her if he's threatened to leave her yet!

The hardest part of losing weight is re-training yourself to eat a different way. When do you overeat? Is it boredom, frustration, depression? If you can occupy yourself with a new hobby or by taking a walk instead of eating, would that help? Portion size is critical, too, but don't starve yourself or deprive yourself because you will not stick with it.

Good luck to you and your husband, he sounds like he's concerned, not conceited like mine was.
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267: Highest known weight
242.5: Weight on dd's 1st birthday
213: Weight on day I delivered dd (Whooshed past on 7/6/10)
200: Weight on day I went home from hospital after delivering dd (MET!! 1/24/11)
180: Lowest weight ever as an adult
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Old 11-23-2001, 08:17 PM   #7
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Gutchie and Goodforme, thank you so much for posting what you did, I thought I was the only person appalled at that man!

If my spouse told me I was too fat and that they would leave me because of it, I would eat more. Not out of spite, but depression that I wasn't loved for who I was.

Condemnation won't get anyone anywhere! If self-abuse, self-condemnation, and self-hatred led to any sort of lasting change, God knows I'd be perfection incarnate by now!

The only advice I can give 2fatfor2long is to read When you Eat at the Refrigerator, pull up a Chair by Geneen Roth. It's a long road, but it is making sense for me. Here are some of her suggestions that have made a really amazing difference in my life:

Take time for yourself, whether it's writing in your journal, reading in solitude, meditating, working in your garden. Take a nice bath, with bubbles or scented salts! Honestly, if I don't either take a quiet bath or write every day, I do binge! I actually cleared out some stuff from the garage, and hung up batik Indian blankets from the ceiling to create a sort of "room", and put a chair, some rugs, and a little shelf with candles and incense, and it has turned into a magical restorative place.

Be kind to yourself, you are doing the best you can. Do not be hard on yourself when you make a mistake! You are just working with the tools you have now. Through Roth's books, I've learned how we use food to anesthetize, hide our feelings, sneak our feelings, stay "nice" to everyone, etc. Then, one by one, you learn how to replace self-destructive ways of coping with constructive ways!

Love and accept yourself for who you are. Say nice things to yourself when you do something well. If you were growing a flower in your garden, and it did poorly, you would blame the soil, the water, the light ... but you wouldn't blame the flower, would you? You are perfect right now!! You just need the right variables to bring it out, like a flower!

Best of luck to us all!!!
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Old 11-28-2001, 01:15 PM   #8
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Ugh, I have been there too! I have struggled with my weight since the birth of my little girl in 1997. Along with that, I have been battling depression, which does not help at all! I left my husband last November, during a nervous breakdown, in which I felt useless, fat, and unlovable. I regret it every day! He turned to another woman to try and get over me, and to really burn me up, she weighs 105 pounds! We are trying to work things out, but I am really afraid my weight will be a factor. He says he loves me more than anything, but I feel like he would rather be with a skinny twit than a 200 pound chubbo like me! That's my thinking, not his. He does want me to lose the weight, because diabetes and heart disease run in my family, and he is afraid for my health. But I feel so pressured now; I feel like I am in competition, a race of the thinnest, even though he broke up with her; I can't help but fear that he will go bak to her because of my size. I can't really give advice, but I know how you feel!
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