This is a post from my blog. I did some serious soul searching earlier...and I believe I've found the true reason for my eating style. I'm putting this up because I think it will help many of you to help yourselves.
While talking to my boyfriend, who listens to EVERYTHING I have to complain about (and I know it must be tiring), for the first time I finally asked him what he thought of people who overeat. I listened to him with an open mind, and wanting to be on his side of thinking so I can understand what is wrong with people like me.
He said that he believes there is no reason for a person to eat more than their fill other than on certain occasions such as holidays and when celebrating something with friends (and even on a weekend when you’re bored).
I thought about it, and I know he’s right. I went through my past with him…and I think I need to talk about it here so that I can remember it and so I can make my point.
I grew up into a family with bad eating habits. I always ate for taste, never because I was hungry. I always had food before I ever got physically hungry. No one ever said anything to me as I was growing up about my weight unless it was, “Maybe you should eat more fruit.” But when I was younger, I didn’t know the difference between fruit and say, macaroni and cheese, other than the fact that mac n’ cheese tasted better. I believe that it wasn’t my fault for my eating habits until I was in about 6th grade, because I didn’t know anything about food nutrition or what a normal person ate. Only what me and my family ate. So I couldn’t have dieted way back then because I didn’t know any better. But the excuses run out when I hit 7th grade, when I am getting my own food to cook and eat. But by then, I am addicted to food. Food is my comfort. Food is my boredom reliever. Food is my every thought. And most of all, I never wait until I’m hungry to eat. I eat for taste.
In 7th grade I realized how much like **** I was treated. So what do I do? I eat more because that’s all I know of comfort. So for two more years I turn to comfort because I don’t understand what else I can use as comfort other than video games and food. But in 9th grade, not even food can keep me comforted. Because I understand that it’s the reason I’m fat. So one day after feeling bad enough, I say to myself that I’ll either lose weight or kill myself. I start to lose weight.
I worked on my addiction to food, but those first 20 pounds I always ate for taste. I lost weight because I was eating better. I was never physically hungry. The only time I was physically hungry was on the 3 week trip with my teacher. I was physically hungry because it was wrong to eat more than my fill of other people’s food. So I lost weight and I was hungry. I understood hunger, so I could starve. Motivation kept me going for 7 more months. And when did I binge? When I needed comfort and when I was purely desiring the taste of food more than anything else.
So in my entire life, food has been my addiction, and I have never understood anything different until now.
But I want to change, and I know I can.
But that also means I need to understand what I need to rid myself of. I need to understand WHY I eat so often…why I eat so MUCH. Food tastes good. I will always believe that. Because I think food will always taste good. But my mindset towards food shouldn’t stay the same…and I don’t need to take advantage of food like I do.
I finally realized that I give in to every craving I have because of TASTE. My entire life I have given food into taste unless it made me feel extremely bad not to (like on the 3 week trip). Taste is everything to me. But I don’t want it to be everything anymore.
I want to change more than to taste. I want to live a life that is greater than what I’m going to eat. And to do that, I need to understand WHY I eat. And I need to change that.
I now know that every moment of my thought is food, or dieting. It all involves food in some way. Thinking so much about dieting is my way of thinking about food so much.
But because I know I eat for taste, I can change that.
So…I created more rules for my diet. Why? Because controlling my calories isn’t enough to make this a lifestyle. If I leave my diet at 1300 calories for the rest of my life, I may be able to do it, but I’ll always be battling with taste.
However, if I create rules that I honestly stick to (and not do it and lie to others about because I don’t want to feel like a failure), then there is the chance that those rules might become second nature. And with enough effort, I can make myself believe in this new mindset.
I truthfully would give a lot to have the mindset of my boyfriend, but that may never be. So I simply have to work on and adapt my own.
So here are those rules:
-Don’t give into cravings–doing so would make the sincere statement of you wanting to change to be a lie
-Only eat when truly hungry–there is no reason to eat otherwise (not even for comfort)
- Special occaions (holidays, celebrating with friends) is the only time I should eat for taste. And even then, it should be reasonable
I do this because I sincerely want to change. And I sincerely want to change because I know my quality of life will be better and I’ll be able to live with myself. My entire life I have been fat, and for most of the time I have been unhappy. I am not the kind of person who can live freely when I am overweight. And I will not accept the excuse that I cannot push past 130 because of being from a big family. I know that is an excuse. I know that I can be small and that I can eat normally, even when there is so much food around me and when everyone else celebrates it so willingly. I can appreciate food as it should be appreciated.
And there is no reason at all for a person to ever eat more than their fill. If they are, they should consider eating more slowly.
And lastly, my final note is that lying to yourself to binge or eat more than your fill, and saying that you’ll make up for it later…is the worst thing you can ever do to yourself. That later never comes. You mess up, but don’t try to justify why you messed up. You messed up because you wanted to. You binged because you wanted to eat. That food didn’t force you. No one forced food in your mouth.
The one person you have to battle is yourself. And the best option is to be truthful and honest with yourself. I can safely say that without looking at my past and talking it out, I wouldn’t know why I ate and ate. I didn’t know I ate for taste until today. I know I liked how it tasted. But I didn’t know that my entire life I’ve eaten for taste.
My best suggestion is to figure out WHY you eat more than your fill, and to fix what makes you. I know that my habits towards food makes me eat more than my fill, so I am going to stick to those rules until it is second nature to only eat when I’m hungry, and to treat myself only occasionally when there is a reason to celebrate with food.
And it is because that I am sincere that I want to change that I can make all these things happen. Always it is for me.
So I hope everyone can start doing some honest soul searching if they are having difficulties.