My kick in the rear was not a picture, though those pics of me in my bridesmaid gown for my sister's wedding last year was enough to make me want to barf... My dress was a size 22, the largest size that the gown came in, and though the waist did fit, the bust was way too big and had to be altered down to fit my 40 D bust. The size 22 thing was pretty humiliating, since my sister is a size 6, and her other bridesmais were a size 4 and a size 12... I was the only "big mama" in the wedding party. Everyone said I looked lovely. I think I looked like a big burgundy hippopotumus...
My actual kick was an unexpected glimpse at my naked backside in the mirror. I was undressed, and about to get into the tub. I had just had a fresh haircut, and I took a hand mirror and was fiddling around with my hair, and then I looked down, and I really wanted to barf. I had never really seen me from that angle before. Thank god for clothing to cover that mess up! I mean, how disgusting! I think I have the ugliest behind, flat and wide. YUK!! Anyway, that's what made me want to turn it around... I want to see if I actually have a decent figure underneath all this flab. It's been so long since I have seen it, and I really want to see it again...
My kick in the butt, the 18th, 109th? I dont know, I've tried so many "diets". Anyway, the one that got me, was a picture of me sitting with my dad and 2 kids, in this double chair he has. Everyone was all crunched, except me. Me, I was spread in all my fat girl glory, smiling like an idiot. I saw those and about died. WTF?!?! Who the BLAZES is that fat chick with my dad? Oh crap! Thats ME!!! What the heck HAPPENED to me? I got fat, thats what happened....
So, I changed it. I quit doing "diets" and started living a healthier life. Moved more, made healthier choices, and cut back on sweet tea and coffee and started drinking a bit more water.
*btw? When I say fat chick, in refrence to myself, it's an honest take, not a summation of who I am, if others can snicker when I walk by, it's much easier to take them aback if I laugh too, yanno?
Oh no I'm not dismissing any of my accomplishments. Sorry I came across like that. I know I'm everyones best friend. I'm very social and make friends very easily. I have wonderful kids and a great life. College educated but now a stay at home mom. Many good things about my life, and it's not so much that my weight defines me....I just don't like the way it looks, and as if it doesn't gross me out enough, esp after seeing the photos, it just hurts that every place I go, every playgroup, every workout room, every party, every where I see the skinny moms....it's just like for once, just ONE day could be there be ONE other plus size mom. And now I'm on a soap box, forgive me one and all.......even in the plus size catalogs, that don't look very PLUS. The media, the magazines, the celebs, THIN IS IN, and I guess that is what makes me feel unacceptable to others in the weight dept. People who haven't been "here" just don't understand how I got to be this big. I hate the "looks" from people that don't even know me, and don't know my story. Sadly there are people that judge us on our looks...and that's just sad. Because the inside is so much better.
I know I'm a good person. I'm a good wife and a good mom, a good daughter and a good sister. I know I have great qualities.....the one problem I have is this belly and chin and yada yada yada. Just because I do not recognize that skin. I don't look like me. I could have my old weight and have purple dots on me and I would not recognize me. That's all it is, I want to recognize me. KWIM?
Velveteen -- I will try what you suggested, good tip for sure.
Lacorso - thanks for the laugh.
Shelby - and Colleen thanks too for your advice, I will be working on who I want to be ......just a little more so on the OUT.
Thanks everyone. I knew I could come here and vent my frustration and be made to feel so welcome.
Cajungal - I hear ya! I know exactly what you are talking about! I'm sure we all have a great figure underneath the extra flab. And I mean that in the nicest way! For me that picture was just nasty. I should take photos more often. I should stand boldly in front of a 3 way mirror and just check out all my glory. Hopefully it won't be there forever. I mean, that's why I'm using 3fatchicks right? To keep me on track!
Angihas2 -- you can call me a fatchick any time. Anyway, I know what everyone means about the healthy lifestyle. That really is the bottom line.
Thanks EVERYONE for sharing your advice and words of wisdom....
anyone else have photo stories to share??
I can totally identify with how you are feeling. I was watching a video my son made of our family at Christmas time. I know I am fat. I see the fat me when I look in the mirror. But, the fat person I saw in that video seemed to look so much more fat than the person I see in the mirror. It was hideous. I wonder if other people see the fat person from the mirror or the fater person from the video. I know my family loves me no matter what, but as others have said ~ there are others out there who judge us by our outer apperance.
I’ve REALLY been enjoying this thread, mainly because I, too, hadn’t realized the full extent of my goldanged FAT CHICK-ness until I saw some photos that my (skinny little) sister took when she was up here visiting from North Carolina in September. (I’m in Massachusetts). We drove down to Newport, RI for a day because that’s where we both were raised and both love the ocean. We climbed around on the rocks up past the public beach and sat looking at the tide coming in. It was really awesome. Her son, who is just coming back from a couple of years spent in and out of hospitals with an inoperable malignant brain tumor (He’s in remission! Hooray!) was with us and was snapping photos. NOT a digital camera, so she promised to get them developed and send me a set when she got home. She took forever to send them - I had to keep reminding her when we talked on the phone - but finally, a couple of weeks ago, the package arrived in the mail. I swooped down on it, tore it open, and about fell over. Was that ME? Omigawd! I looked like a whale cavorting about on the beach with a SARDINE! Yup. That did it. I am SO done with thinking I look “fine” as I just buy one size larger, pretending it’s because I “don’t like my clothes too tight”. Bologna! It’s because one size smaller is TOO small! I’ve been “doing the healthy stuff” since I saw those danged pictures. Today, I’m even going out for a walk. Haven’t weighed myself yet because I’m “scairt”. <g>
THANK you for all the input, support, and shared stories! This is GREAT!
Have a beautiful, healthy day!
Ella
