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My Husband is an Enabler!

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Old 02-26-2007, 01:04 PM   #1
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Default My Husband is an Enabler!

When we met, and before I became pregnant with my 5th child, I was a small 115 pounds. (That was 7.5 years ago-our daughter is 6y/o now). My husband has a thing about using food to please the people in his life. He buys goodies for our child. He buys me goodies and a card, and leaves them in my car to surprise me when I get in to leave for the morning. (I know, this sounds sweet). For Valentines day, in addition to a card, he gave me a gift certificate to Victoria Secret and a large bag full of various candies! What can I say? I snuck it all to the trash. (The gift certificate, he assumed I would want VS perfume, but I'm going to save it to use for some sexy loungerie when I feel thin enough to wear that again)!
I am lucky that he doesn't seem to mind what my body looks like, thin or fat, I'm the same person inside. I don't eat the crap he provides, but why can't he understand he's wasting his money?! Incidentally, he even overfeeds our 2 dogs! That's a story for another topic....

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Old 02-26-2007, 01:19 PM   #2
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That's a hard one. Most "treat foods" are the wrong kind anyway if one is trying to lose weight. Have you had a discussion with him about it? You could tell him that you love his thoughtfulness and caring, but you would rather not have the food. It may or may not change what he does, but it might be worth a try...

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Old 02-26-2007, 01:27 PM   #3
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IMO, you have to talk to him, for your child. I have a 5 year old daughter who is 65 pounds. I worry about it all of the time. She doesn't like any vegetables but doesn't eat a lot. She would eat candy all of time but it limited to 2 tootsie rolls a day after dinner.

Maybe your child will have the "lucky" metabolism and it won't effect him but that's a risk. Your husband's behavior is going to trickle down to your kid.
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Old 02-26-2007, 01:28 PM   #4
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Maybe you could tell him that flowers are a great romantic substitute for chocolate.
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Old 02-26-2007, 01:43 PM   #5
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since he is providing loving gestures, you don't want him to stop that part....but maybe you could get him involved with your healthy wt. goal....tell him you love the little surprises in the car, but could he do motivational treats instead?

A fashion mag. manicure certificate, hand cream, lip balm, new novel....ANYTHING but calories?
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Old 02-26-2007, 02:12 PM   #6
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My SO had a little trouble with this when I first started limiting my calories as well. At Christmas, he bought me a Hickory Farms cheese and meat gift box. I've always liked those in the past, so it was a nice gesture, but I knew it was going to be a problem to fit into the calorie limit. So I never opened it. I thanked him nicely, even made noises about trying to work it in (I think I did actually intend to try to eat it in small portions), and then just put it in the cupboard. A year later, it was still there (I'd actually forgotten about--I put it way at the back of a very high, rarely used cupboard) and he suggested we re-gift it to his mother. He's also seen that I throw or give away food that I get from others and will sometimes throw away restaurant doggie bags. Between that and the Hickory Farms gift, he's gotten the message and doesn't buy me food anymore.

Interestingly, I buy him food stuff all the time (he is thin as a rail). I buy him stuff that I think I would like too; it's like I'm eating vicariously through him (sometimes I'll even have a small bite)!
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Old 02-26-2007, 03:35 PM   #7
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My husband has gotten much better about bringing home surprise treats, until a few days after Valentine's Day this year. He had bought me a single rose, and I had given him a sweet card. I don't know why, but he nearly cried at the card, and felt bad that he hadn't done more for V-day (I thought both gifts were pretty even, but the card must have really choked him up).

He brought home the hugest heart-shaped velvet box of candy I had ever seen (2 lbs - and the heart was like 2' across). It was a $30 box of chocolates, discounted to $5 after V-day.

He was so proud of it, and before he let me see it, he begged me not to get mad at him (he knew it wasn't the best idea). I wasn't mad, but I was afraid I would have a problem with the chocolate, but I haven't. I allow myself 2 pieces a day (which hasn't been too hard, as they are good, but not great chocolates), and I LOVE the box. I think I'm going to hang it on the wall of my craft room when it is empty.
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Old 02-26-2007, 04:08 PM   #8
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Six years into this, my dh has finally caught on. He buys me cards and cd's, and jokes that I'm the enabler now. Everytime I want a goodie, I buy or make it for him and he and ds have gained weight when I lose. (Not true, though for a while I assumed that because I was always hungry, they were too ) Now he asks me if I want him to include me when he gets small amounts of chocolate at holidays. Every once in a while I say yes, because I don't want to always feel deprived. But I know I'm an all or nothing person and if it's in the house and mine, it's getting eaten all at once. So I only tell him yes about once a year!

Talk to him about it- tell him you love the little reminders that he loves you- but they can't be all edible anymore: that it makes you more upset than happy. And a happy you will be a more loving you!

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Old 02-26-2007, 04:52 PM   #9
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I think you've just got to come out and tell him. I would tell him how sweet and thoughtful you think it is for him to do these things, but it's no longer in your best interests. I would tell him that you are really interested in eating only healthy foods and you have a hard time resisting the yummy treats that he's been bringing. I had to retrain my husband. He eventually saw that I was really serious and now he wouldn't DARE bring me home any food items.

By the way when I first signed up to 3FC back in September 06' my name was "fed"up. I changed it after about 10 weeks or so to my current name. I wasn't feeling quite so "fed"up anymore. I also see we are the same height. Just something I noticed. Good luck with hubby.
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Old 02-26-2007, 06:53 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlueToBlue View Post
Interestingly, I buy him food stuff all the time (he is thin as a rail). I buy him stuff that I think I would like too; it's like I'm eating vicariously through him (sometimes I'll even have a small bite)!
I'm SOOO guilty of this. He could eat for days and the most horrendous things and be a slim, muscular stick.

It's hard when someone around you loves to watch you eat what they give you. My grandma does this...she loves to bake me cookies and that sorta thing.
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Old 02-26-2007, 07:01 PM   #11
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I can absolutely sympathise! My sweet, sweet bf will often buy my chocolate, or chocolate drinks when he has one, and sometimes for no reason! I love him so, but I have explained to him that it's no longer a great idea. Instead, I've asked him to buy me fruit! It's just as expensive as choccies, so it's still a treat, and it's better for me! Although i cant imagine coming across a banana in the glovebox 3 days after hubby put it there! lol


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Old 02-26-2007, 08:17 PM   #12
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I pre-prepare them! I told my DH about 3 weeks before VD, " honey, I don't want chocolates this year for vday, as you know I am watching out, I want a subscription to shape magazine instead!

I forgot to tell my mom but she saw how hard I was working and was very proud anddddd she brought over some beautiful roses and no chocolates

It really is hard to say "no thanks" after the fact, so a pre preparation of sorts seems to work best for me and gosh they get it, which is nice : ) It isn't always a subconscience sabotaging type of thing, I really think there is a genuiness wanting to please in many circumstances and perhaps a temp. forgetfullness but with a "reminder" well in advance , it sure helps with that scenario. well, he sounds like a romantic to me, much more than a sabotageur I like your idea of suprising him after ; )
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Old 02-26-2007, 10:46 PM   #13
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I think your husband is very sweet to give you these things, it shows that he loves you very much. I wish I had a husband like that. IMO, he is not intentionally trying to sabotage your diet. Maybe just sit him down and say "Honey (or whatever you call him... baby, boo, honeybun, pookie, whatever), I love you very much, and I know you love me. I love and appreciate the little thoughful gifts you leave for me. But from now on, if you want to leave me treats, can you please leave me treats that I can actually have, like sugar free candy, maybe some nuts, or a sack of delicious fruits instead? That way, I won't blow my diet." Don't say it in a way to hurt his feelings, just tell him like it is, and see what happens next....
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Old 02-26-2007, 11:03 PM   #14
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How frustrating! Man... Before my girlfriend hopped on the bandwagon she was an enabler too. I felt bad refusing her treats- they were out of love, after all. It took a long time, and a lot of guilt on my part, to explain it right. I just said finally... I want this more than I have ever wanted anything, helping me by not buying me things I am trying to learn to resist is the best way to help my dreams come true.
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