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Old 01-03-2007, 04:22 PM   #1
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Wink Where I disappeared to...

Well, it's been quite a long time since I've written anthing, let alone even visited you guys.
As you may realize, I've gained about 20 lbs. I'm not happy about it, but I am doing something about it now.
How did I end up gaining 20 lbs when I was so vigilant of my weight before? Obsession.
A couple of months back, my husand helped me come to the realization that I was out of control. That I was living my life solely for looking good. That all I cared about was exercise. I became completely obsessed with Tae Bo. I stopped enjoying the workouts, but I know that I HAD to do them to keep my weight down. Instead of my workouts relieving anxiety, they produced anxiety. If I wasn't able to workout one day, I would become horribly depressed. I would start crying in the middle of a workout because I felt like it was doing nothing for my body. I wanted to look like one of those super models. I stopped going out with my husband and hid from my friends. It was all or nothing with me. I was completely obsessed with eating right and exercising. And it was not a good obsession. I always told myself that I HAD to be obsessed or I would become complacent. That way of thinking turned into an unhealthy way of living.
All I could think about was how awful I looked and how horrible all my extra skin was. That I was still fat and ugly. My life was exercising. I had nothing else. I would literally FREAK OUT if the scale said that I gained a pound or two. It didn't matter if my clothes fit fine.
I had forgotten why I started this journey. I wanted to be healthy and though I may have been PHYSICALLY healthy, mentally, I was a wreck.
So, I stopped doing the TaeBo. I actually stopped exercising all together for about a month. I tried to pick up the Tae Bo again, but just couldn't. I HATED it with a passion. I hated even looking at the DVDs because they reminded me of the shell of a person that I had become. So, I sold them all. Got rid of all reminders that I ever owned them.
Over the past 2 months, I've bought about 20 exercise DVD's. Dance, yoga, striptease aerobics, bellydance (I've really enjoyed getting into the bellydance!) and recently, Turbo Jam though I haven't recieved it.
I really have let my eating go as well. I haven't been gorging myself, but I haven't been eating as healthy as I could have been. So, that combined with the lack of exercise resulted in weight gain.
I think that maybe this "break" this "healing" stage has made me open my eyes to a lot of things. The fact that I am NOT that fat woman anymore and there is no way I will ever let myself go back to that. The fact that there are SOOOO many things that I can do today that I couldn't do when I weighed 286 pounds. The fact that I feel like a WOMAN and not a blob of flesh.
I may not ever get back down to 160 pounds again and I'm okay with that. That was a result of obsession. If I do, it will be done with moderate exercise and moderation of food.
My advice to you all would be this....Do NOT lose YOURSELF while you are losing WEIGHT. Remember who you are!!!
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Old 01-03-2007, 04:38 PM   #2
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Hey!!!!!!!! I remember you!!!!! I hadn't been on this site in quite some time either, but I started coming back recently. I did a search on you, but saw that you were awol .

I've gained about 20 lbs as well. My downfall was getting a job at a diner that had a free meals for employees policy. Just what I needed!!! I've since got another job, and I'm ready to take off the lbs.

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Old 01-03-2007, 04:40 PM   #3
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I have run into this problem myself, several times. I take "breaks" from exercising and calorie-counting when I need to, because I KNOW that I am an obsessive kind of person. If I never lose another pound, then so be it. I am not at an unhealthy weight, and I look nice--and frankly, my mental health is just as important as physical.

*hugs* to you, and thank you for sharing your story.

It will take as long as it takes.

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Old 01-03-2007, 04:49 PM   #4
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It's really good to be back. I feel like myself again!! I've missed you all!
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Old 01-03-2007, 05:08 PM   #5
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Welcome back!

I think a part of this process is figuring out the balance each of us wants wrt fitness, health, weight, life, etc.... Sounds like you're on your way to figuring out something that works for YOU long term. That's big! (no pun intended!)

My 5 C's of healthy living: Commitment to conscious control, with the understanding that choices have consequences
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Old 01-03-2007, 05:28 PM   #6
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Thank you for sharing your story. I can easily see myself falling into this - in fact I almost feel it starting! thanks!
my blog - countingmycalories.com

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Old 01-03-2007, 06:02 PM   #7
I'm bringin' SEXY back!!!
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I remember you!! It's good to see you again.

Starting over again.........again!
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Old 01-03-2007, 08:23 PM   #8
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Welcome back! We all need to find a way to live longterm- a maintainable lifestyle, not just maintaining a weight.

Falling down is not failure....Failure is staying down.
Save the Earth, it's the only planet with chocolate and wine.

It isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...
It's about learning to dance in the rain.

9 years at or under goal weight! Working Maintenance Everyday
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Old 01-03-2007, 10:27 PM   #9
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Thank you, thank you for posting this. You have helped me to realize that I am not alone and that there are others who can fall into the trap as well. I am in that trap now and I am trying to break free without gaining weight....
Lost: 140ish lbs
Maintainence: 2 years

My "Happy" Weight:

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Old 01-04-2007, 11:45 AM   #10
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I suppose that once we make such drastic changes to our lifestyle and the way that we look at ourselves, our minds need to play catch up. I've come to the conclusion that my mind, my inner self, was in a state of confusion for a long time. All of a sudden, I looked like a completely different person. I didn't eat the same things and I went from being a couch potato to being totally active. I was afraid for so very long that one wrong move and all of the weight that I lost would just magically reappear. That was a scary thought. I left myself no room for error. It was all or nothing. My mind became an obsessive mess. Nothing else mattered as long as I stayed skinny. Nothing was more important than staying thin. NOTHING. Boy, was I messed up!! LOL
If anyone ever needs to talk, I'm here! I've been through **** and back over the past year!! LOL
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Old 01-04-2007, 12:15 PM   #11
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Welcome Back! I too remember you.
Thanks so much for sharing this. I found myself getting caught up in this same situation. I am glad that I am not alone. I just didn't have the courage to admit it like you.
From February of 06 til July of 06 I lost 30lbs. Then I went into obsessed mode and made it in to a total vanity thing. I was so obsessed with exercise and what I ate, I felt out of control.
From October 06 til now I have gained back 10lbs. I know that more now then ever I need to get back on track and not do it in such an extreme way.
I feel like I'm starting over with baby steps.

Thanks again. Thanks for inspiring us!

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Old 01-09-2007, 11:47 AM   #12
On my way to 160!
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I'm so glad that you took stock of your situation and got in control of it! Way to go! Your post is a reminder to all of us how much weight loss is a MIND activity as well as a BODY activity! Fortunately, the third part of the equation-your SPIRIT- saved you, and you are back to pick yourself up and move on.

Congratulations, and thanks for your wisdom!

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Old 01-09-2007, 01:01 PM   #13
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CemeterySiren, I'm new around here so I can't welcome you *back* so much...but I am definitely glad you are doing better. It sounds like you had a terrible time, and...I'm just really glad you're not struggling with that anymore.

Mini-Goal: Under 180 by Imbolc!

C25k - one per run!
Week 1: Week 2:
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Old 01-09-2007, 01:36 PM   #14
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Cemetarysiren, thanks for your post. I've only just really started this journey, but I've noticed I've been placing tons of emphasis on how *other* people look, and noticing think people and generally attractive people so much more now. This emphasis on superficiality (not on health mind you, just plain looks) is a mindset I'm trying to step away from. I can see how it can lead down the same path you experienced. But your post also gives me hope that you can step away from that mindset and still be healthy. In short, thanks for the inspiration, I needed it!
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Old 01-09-2007, 04:47 PM   #15
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You're welcome guys! Thank YOU!
I think that this world just sees thin as beautiful. In the world's eyes, health doesn't matter. All that matters is that you are THIN. That was my mindset for a long time. I remember my husband asking me once what was more important to me....my health or being thin. I remember saying, "Being thin!" I strived so hard to be super-model skinny. Doing Tae Bo for an hour or so, every day. I was already down to 160 pounds. The scale wouldn't budge any lower. I felt defeated. What I looked like now was nothing like I imagined myself to look like after losing so much weight.
But, then I stopped and though of how far I had come. So, I don't have a body like Angelina Jolie or Elle McPherson. I realized that this is it for me. I have to be happy with who I am and how far I've come. And I have to realize that I AM thin!! I went from a size 26/28 to a size 10 or 12. I even got down to a size 8 at one point. That's a great accopmlishment!
Although, my mind DOES have some catching up to do yet. Sometimes, I do look in the mirror and catch glimpses of the heavy girl that I used to be. That's a little scary. But, slowly I think I'm finally getting used to seeing the new me in the mirror. Yes, even after a little over a year of maintaining!!
Make sure you listen to what your soul is telling you. Make sure that you heal your mind as well as your body. And make sure you LIVE life!! Don't shell yourself up in your own little world of exercise and dieting. It's not worth it. Catch yourself before you fall.
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