[neo98292]

I had my suspicions already-she was being inconsistant with things and her attention for the kids was going back to 0 again. I called Michelle and I guess Kate was refusing to go to rehab although that is all she has talked about the last few days. I told michelle that I love katy and want her to get help but the babies come first with me. I read up on Meth use so I know what to look for. I am such a polyanna when it comes to those things-I have no clue. Katy admitted to Michelle she has used since she got out and she also isn't giving up David. I have to walk away and I feel like I am on the verge of tears but can't because I don't want to upset the kids-they don't understand. If she does call me today I am going to let her know that I know she is using and if she is high, she can stay where she is. It is only a matter of time now and logan will be mine legally. I just don't understand how you can do that and especially if you have kids! It is so selfish and she can kill herself or give herself permanent brain damage with this stuff. She still hasn't gone in for her preg test. If she is, she needs to get in now-it causes premature delivery, neuro probs, and some other stuff to babies and I just pray she hasn't done any harm to the baby. It is just killing me-I guess I just put too much hope that this time she was going to get it together. I know I have done all I can and she is an adult now. These are HER choices and I just have to pray that they don't cost her her life.

Foodwise I went shopping today with the kids and got my stuff. I will write out few days worth of menus and I get to start WW on Friday for meetings. I need to get myself focused on other things and I will start with me and doing what I need to do for me. I feel totally tubby and my back, hips and other joints have been aching again-due to weight gain. Time to get serious!
Melissa

[sandisuze]

hey everyone- i have been awol for a few but I have been in such a depression i didn't wanna whine too much or be all BLAH- everyone has enough troubles on their own w/o me going on especially when it isn't all that big - just me and "what if- ing" myself to death.
so in order not to digress:

Meissa -i hope WW works out good for you, i so glad you get to go i know you'll enjoy the meetings as well as the tips and great info you'll get!
Theresa i hope tyler is ok- i am jealous - i have a black thumb everything i try to grow dies a horrible death
Laura - remember mirrors add 15 pounds when you look in them and yay! you are doing something about it so those mirrors will be fun ot look in real soon.

to everyone else

I am not OP but thats because i am just not eating much.. food is blah and right now so is lots of things. I am down another pound- i need to get over this and i will be fine.. let me get myself together and i will vent to you wonderful ladies - maybe thats what i need.
Sandi

[Purplefirefly]

Vent away Sandi...we all do from time to time! Sorry you feel so blah, i usually am this time of year but since we are having spring-like weather it hasn't hit me.

Melissa, I am so sorry she let you down. You are doing the right thing by focusing back on yourself and those kids and cutting Kate loose. If she doesn't want rehab and wants LB, then she cannot be around the children. She knows it and still chooses the drugs and him, so there is nothing you can do. Sounds like she was saying just what you wanted to hear and stringing you along...don't let her do it another second, now that you have found out the truth. I really hope she isn't prego, just to think what that little baby could be going through if she is.... makes me want to cry and I dont' even know her.

Theresa

[cadwell125]

i'm so sorry melissa. it is so hard to have to watch someone you love make the same destructive choices over and over. if she isn't ready to change, then there is nothing you can do but focus on your own goals and the little ones. they are helpless, but kate is not -- she can change whenever she decides her life is worth going through some sacrifices and discomfort. good luck with ww.
laura.. i feel you on the mirrors. i just try to think of the reflection as a glimpse into the past, because it's a representation of the old me -- on the inside i am already committed to healthy eating and exercise, and the mirror is trying to play catch-up and failing!
eating this week has been a challenge. there is a lot of junk in the house and not much healthy food. i've stayed on the stright and narrow at work though.. the gal training me said she gained a bunch of weight after she started, so that gave me motivation to stick with my usual unsweetened black iced coffee (even though i could anything, even those 800 calorie devils i never had the $$$ for, for free). if i don't ever try them, then i won't have the taste for them and get tempted constantly. pastries are a different story though.. i was born with the taste for brownies and coffeecake

[sandisuze]

oh Melissa i so feel for you again Addiction especially to drugs changes a life- Kate can choose to change she just isn't ready yet. it may take some harsh reality for her - Candice is right- concentrate on the little ones. they need you. and one day kate may need you too- it's so hard to stop being a MOM as our instincts take over and we want to baby our children who are hurting . it make me want to cry too- and hug the babies and babysit for you so you can have some free time -Etc..

ooo candice- free starbucks goodies i'd have all kinds of trouble not eating them- i was born with a chocolate spoon in my mouth I guess!

we are starting more spring like weather- 75 during the day but I think my problem has been i am on this emotional roller coaster and want to stop the ride- it all started last week with that dear man passing away right before his 50th wedding anniversary - i mean here we were getting decorations ready and we get the call he had died- so the party turned into a memorial service-
2nd- our Sr. adult Pastor took another church and his wife and i were very close and i feel i am losing a good friend
3rd- my oldest quit her job the other day as her boss informed her he could get any sl_ _ off the street to do her job- he had become increasingly verbally abusive to her and she never got her paycheck on time - always a day or two late- but i wanna be mommy and help her and she doesn't need /want my help but i find myself saying well how about this or that and she gets mad. so i have to butt out.
4th- this was a bad weekend with work as some people overstepped their boundries and caused a major upset and i can't go into details but this could spiral outward into a few innocent bystanders (me included- actually everyone on Staff) having to find other jobs- it was a mess that caused a lot of difficulties to everyone on staff-of course i am "what ifing" myself to DEATH- i am the queen of what if's-
and i am all with myself as to losing weight- everytime i get OP something happedn to mess it all up- like i set out to start exercising and i have a miserable cold and can't hardly breathe let alone exercise.. i feel like i am a terrible loser (and not a weight loser) and just make excuses not to exercise.
i just can't seem to get it together.
ok rant over and i do feel better- this cold/sinus pressure is kicking my butt
i haven't eaten much lately - emotional upset for once does not = eating.
thanks for listening, especially Melissa as you have so much more to deal with.
Night all
Sandi

[neo98292]

Sandi sorry things are so rough right now. I hear you about life seeming to happen with a vengence whenever we try to lose weight! I was on such a roll and then Logan arrived and turned me upside down. Kate in jail, Kate out of jail-will she rehab-no she won't-not using, now she IS using. Man it is fierce to deal with and not just go empty out my fridge. I am opposite-I eat when I am upset. The only time I didn't eat was when I left my husband but that was short lived. I just have to believe things will get better!

I am officially OP today and counting until Friday when I can start meetings. I gained more weight than I care to tell since Logan got here. I only purchased dinners that will cook in the crockpot. I know part of my problem is that by the time dinner rolls around, I am tired and I don't care anymore and go for what is fast and easy. WW came out with a crockpot cookbook so I will have to see if I can get one for myself. I am going to be 42 next month so I guess my birthday goal is to be under 200-I think it is realistic-hope so anyway. Thank you guys for being there for me. You can't know how much it means to me.
Melissa

[LauraB]

Sandi -sorry everything is tough right now. I hope it settles down. Melissa and I both know that grown up children are so much more difficult than the little ones. We have to watch them mess up and most of the time we can't stop them. My DIL is planning to call me this PM and I know she has a long list of what is going wrong and most of it has to do with my son being a jerk. She needs to vent, but I will be a wreck when she is done. She is upset about one of his sons and she wants to help this little guy, but my son is not listening. Jake is 10 and he weighs 140, and he is eating when he is stressed. My son says it's baby fat and he will grow out of it. HA!
Thru all our mid winter blues and issues, we all seem to be OP or not eating enough.
In our company we deal with lots of jerks. Right now my DH is the designated "voice of reason" and only he deals with the crazies. When he can't stand it any more, someone else who is sane will take his place. Regarding the what ifs-I do that too and it is a good way to drive yourself nuts. Situations are remembered from a long time ago and I suddenly realize what I should have done and I can't let it go for a long time. Sandi-remember that hindsite has 20 20 vision. I try to remember that when I busy with "what if I had done it different?"
A lot of venting here too. Thanks
Laura

[Purplefirefly]

Day three of sugar detox and I want chocolate so bad. A friend brought over a huge bag of them, and the peanut butter ones have been calling me since Sunday night. Usually my cravings would taper off by day three, but it hasn't this time. i have been good and not had a single one. Everything sweet is hidden in a cabinet and the kitchen is just off limits these days, unless I have to prepare a meal. I keep hearing the little voice "you can just have ONE," but I know I won't stop there, I just know it. And then I have to start all over and I am sick and tired of starting over and over...I feel like a druggie in withdraw.

Anyone know what a Denise Austin Rock Fit Exerciser is? I am getting one off freecycle from someone that I have given lots too....she actually picked me it's a miracle. Problem is I dont know what it is and when I did a search for it, I just go exercise videos. Since she said "exerciser" I am assuming it's a machine of some sort...she said it really burns her legs.

Theresa

[LauraB]

Theresa-THROW THE CANDY OUT!!!!!!!!!!
DON'T TORTURE YOURSELF.
Laura

[neo98292]

Yes throw the candy out! Well I am going to tattle on myself and it is totally non food related. I watched Dr. Phil today and they had an alcoholic on there and it was just like watching my own daughter. Only difference is the drug of choice. Well I emailed Dr. Phil and asked for his help with katy. I could get lucky and he would do an intervention for her and hey you could see me on tv lol. Now if that isn't incentive to stay on program I don't know what is! I hope if he does help, I get enough warning. Wouldn't it be awful if he caught me on a robe day? The mere thought sends me into a panic. I just feel so desperate to get her help that if I have to beg a celebrity to do it, I will. I am just scared she is going to kill herself if she doesn't get help soon. Oh I have no idea what that excersize thing is-I am so bad about doing it myself.
Melissa

[LauraB]

What a great idea Melissa. Do some research on how he makes his choices. I think his show has people looking for participants. Maybe there is a way to get to his searchers.
Laura

[neo98292]

I figured I didn't have anything to lose. If he doesn't do it, I am not any worse off but on the chance that he does, it could be salvation for Katy. I put in the request to him on his website so now I just sit and wait to see what happens.
Melissa

[cadwell125]

good luck with the dr. phil thing melissa! hopefully he will pick kate.. maybe her having so many kids will convince him to intervene for her. if anyone had a reason to kick meth, it would be kate.
theresa, i agree you should get rid of the candy. there is no point to keeping it around. testing willpower just makes it harder, and as far as that goes, well.. once i tried the same thing.. i tried to quit smoking and had been doing well for three days. i thought i should test my willpower to make sure i was really quitting as opposed to just not having access to cigarettes, so i kept a pack in my purse along with a lighter. i won't bore you with the deatils of the 20 minutes that followed, but let's just let it suffice to say i am smoking a cigarette as i type this . my idea these days with my diet is that if i am in a no-fail environment, then i won't fail. i usually only crave treats i can have at the moment i have the craving, like ice cream in the freezer, or french fries i'm watching dh eat. when i visited my mom, i had to move her gummy bears from the middle of the back seat to her side by the door because just having to reach across her kept me from repeatedly sticking my hand into the bag.. i still had a few though

[neo98292]

Don't be too hard on yourself Candace. They say it takes on average 10 atempts(?) to completely quit and just my two cents-it is really hard to quit two habits at the same time-especially two big ones like smoking and losing weight. I hear you with no fail environment. My kids are going through withdrawl but man I will eat anything if it is here so it is out of the house.

Tomorrow is the big day! First meeting and I am excited for it. I also am hoping Dr. Phil intervenes. I let him know how old her kids are too. I still haven't heard anything from her. I just know she needs to be rescued in the worse way.
Melissa

[cadwell125]

good morning y'all! my stomach is starting to recover from last night.. right after i posted last night, i got these terrible pains in my stomach. it was really terrible. i am not sure what caused it, but my best guess would be that nasty frapuccino these guys at work made. apparently there is some ritual with newbies that they should try something called an "everything frappuccino" that include a little bit of everything edible in the store. holy cow it was nasty! either that, or it was my subway sandwich. i have had problems there before.. it's the reason why i can't eat mayonaisse
hope everyone has a wonderful and fabulous op day!