As for the question of the day - I hate to go with this one but I have to. 9/11. I worked in a company that was mostly northern. So everyone had a family member affected in some way. Missing, or known dead or thank god, called in sick. On a selfish but life altering level I lost a tons of clients and businesses because they either did business with WTC companies, and couldn't get paid or they my clients were had HQ's there and didn't make it past the attacks. It marked the end of so many things and the start of so much conflict and strife and I think that we're still sorting out individually and as a nation and world how we feel about the act itself and our place in the world before and after it. It was the end of innocence in so many ways. I am forever connected to the people I was standing with the day it happened and how hard it was to get messages to people in meetings that had no idea but we knew had family members working on the towers. It was just an awful day and the time since has been very strained and hard. We, as a country are so young and we are learning to be adults - some times we're better at it than others, but this was a jolt to that teenage belief of being invincible.
On a lighter note - I will also never forget the day they found the "Queen Anne's Revenge" Black Beard's pirate ship - off the coast of Morehead city NC. I grew up on the Cape Fear River, with Pirate stories all around. I lived in Beaufort, NC - right across from Morehead City - at the bottom of the outer banks..when this happened and it was the talk of EVERYTHING! There was this huge battle between the two towns as to who it belonged to. I got to see a lot of the stuff they brought up and it brought Colonial history even more to life for me. I live in the heart land of all of that stuff and it was so cool to see history surface like that!
Good morning people. I slept in this morning. Would have been here for you earlier grass if I'd been up as early as I normally get up but I hadn't set my alarm and was just allowing myself to wake up naturally. Got to bed an hour later than usual last night because I'd been to the gym. So, here again now. Gong on 8 a.m.
I haven't gotten on the scale yet. I have been writing everything down in a food journal but I confess I have not been tallying up the calories. There is no law requiring calories to be on the labels here and also a lot of the stuff is homemade or baked goods (well, not a lot but I had some scones!) and so it's hard to figure out. Is there a reason I reach for things I don't know the calorie count of and can "hide" behind. yeeeesssss. I'm afraid so. I think I should perhaps add up those calories and get a rough estimate BEFORE I weigh myself because I think then I won't be pissed at the number on the scale. But too, I am definitely getting some muscle back and that will perhaps weigh more. Ok, blah, blah, blah blah. Just do it!
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Grasshopper -- you know, I would think if you tried to get some fundraising thing going, some "Save the Lighthouse" thing you could. That surely must be a historical building. Have you contacted such societies? My sister used to be very interested in that and worked with such a group I think earlier. In Pittsburgh there are tons of old houses that have been preserved. If people are going to the island there must be some way of reaching them. I would hate to see that lighthouse go. I would really try if you could. I love old things, especially in the States. Probably because they're NOT that old. I don't like the ancient feel of Europe. There it just feels dark and gloomy. I felt so much gloom in Europe. Italy and Ireland felt much better. I mean, it's a feeling I get around places, maybe an intuitive thing. I don't know, maybe it's just a feeling from the people living there. My great-grandmother had a farm out on Staten Island. I remember going there as a little girl. There was nothing out there then. Both my parents are from NYC. It's sad when things can't be preserved because so much in the States at least still is and a lot of it is just a matter of effort moreso than the money involved, especially if you're willing to just preserve a small part of it. Please try to save the lighthouse, grass.
I feel your pain too about the lack of weight loss. You have missed workouts and so maybe that will be the reason your weight doesn't drop. But you see, you DO know that you are "doing better than ever" so you do have other ways of measuring than just the numbers on the scale. I think we really, really have to think of ways to keep this kind of thing foremost in our mind. It's always THE BIG PICTURE! Perhaps we should make up an assessment sheet, where we look at all different aspects of our efforts, healthful eating, how we feel, how our clothes fit, how much exercise we've given our bodies, and then the number on the scale. That way we'll have a much more rounded picture of our "progress." I think I will make up a sheet and print it out and make copies and put these in a notebook to fill out each day along with the daily log of food and exercise that I already do.
So, anyhow, grass, stick to it. I know I will be irritated if the scale doesn't move but I'm tired of ignoring all the efforts I HAVE made. I also don't think it's right or smart to be getting excited over a drop on the scale if I haven't been eating good foods or the drop is due to the fact that I have lost muscle weight (if I am not trying to lose muscle weight). I mean, I could start smoking again, drink tons of coffee all day long, eat only junk food but in a limited amount. lose muscle and become a weak waste of space and the numbers on the scale would go down and down and would I be happy? **** no! I remember, years ago, before I'd found the gym and weight training, I starved myself down. In fact, I did everything I just mentioned above and I looked at myself naked in the mirror and all I saw was a miniature version of what I'd been. Big deal. It did not reflect anything I valued. Now if I wanted to "fit in" -- in to a society that prefers me to take up as little space as possible, in every sense, then fine, I would have fulfilled that goal. But, even at 5 feet 1.5 inches, I have no intention of being a "small person" in any sense other than my physique. Yeah!
Grass, I wish I could find spaghetti squash here. I have never had it. There is one store that caters to the ex-pats here and they, if anyone, could perhaps have it. When is it in season? Of course, I would be paying an unbelievable price but if I found it I would try it. Will give a look for it.
Crime girl -- Thank you so much for the horoscope. I have saved it in a separate file and will think of it through the day. The something that is "weighing heavily" on my mind could be either one of two pieces of work I must finish this week and today is really the only day I have to get a good bit of both done. But I want to get a ride in too and that takes up so much of the day. It looks like it's going to be a gray, cold day out but I will try to keep the lightness in my step and, if I get out to the stable, to take longer in appreciating being able to share time with my horse.
Yes, what you are saying about the clothes and other measures is what I was saying to grass above. You are so right. I know these things. Why is it that I tend not to do them when it comes to myself?
Of course, if you put the BF on eBay you will have to make him look a lot better than you presently perceive him to be. I would write your ad up looking at his "potential." Use words such as "shows incredible promise," "virtually" and dangling comparatives and superlatives such as "one of the most considerate, helpful, and conscientious." Just don't finish the sentence which would be "one of the . . . . men I though I would ever meet until I realized, that I could, in fact, do much, much better if I was just a bit more patient." and things like this. "Virtually" is a word they use in advertising, which means, "like, but in fact, not" but most people think of it as meaning "almost" and think they're doing well. Anyway, have fun! You may want to be a bit more careful, because the eBay people will probably pull your ad if they see it because I don't think you can offer people for sale. You might want to consider disguising the fact that he is human by using code, such as describing him as a teddy bear or a robot. Tell me how it goes!
Getting serious again, ah the Blue Ridge Parkway. I know the Blue Ridge Mountains so I think I have an idea of where you grew up though I was only in Charleston, SC. because my sister lived there for a while. Yes, I can imagine Florida getting on your nerves. Well, no reason you can't move, is there? After your studies are finished, maybe you should seriously consider it?
Question of the day: Before I read grass' reply I hadn't thought of 9/11 although that certainly affected me even though I was here. I spent a sleepless and wired night sending emails to a friend in New York who was giving me a blow-by-blow account of what was going on. He told me the tower had fallen before I saw it on TV. The 10-second satellite delay meant I didn't understand what he was saying until I saw it go down. I was on the phone to my aunt in Brooklyn telling her what was going on because her TV was out because the antenna for it was on the WTC. My uncle in Queens, no doubt having flashbacks to WWII, too was ready to flee the city. And I was on the phone to my dad in Pittsburgh but later was worried sick when I heard a plane had gone down near there but couldn't get through anymore from here because the lines were jammed. All in all, a very tense night though I lost no one I had known. I had just been up on the towers a few months earlier showing a friend around and the towers had also been a favorite since they were built. I'd taken many people from all over the world up them and always seen them as a welcome back to the U.S. kind of symbol when I'd fly in to Newark or Kennedy. Last time I was there it felt so lonely to not see their familiar shape. But, I don't know if I would consider that memort the most memorable. It's hard to say because the memory is still too fresh. I suppose it will be. But for now I guess I'd have to go with them taking the first step on the moon or the end of the Vietnam War. You see, I've got a good 10-20 years on most of you! Then again, if you ask why, I probably can't say, which means I just remember them well but wasn't emotionally involved in them. If you want an event that was both historical (at least in Japan) and in which I was emotionally involved I guess it'd have to be when a famous racehorse went down in the backstretch of a big race here. The events after that, the reporters waiting after the race asking me how I was going to lead my story, with the horse breaking down (they euthanized him on the track) or the winning horse, me waiting for the groom to return to the stables and seeing him walking back, head down, the horse's halter hanging from his hand, the tears running down his face. I couldn't let myself cry because I had to write a story and take the bullet train all the way back to Tokyo. I knew if I started crying I wouldn't be able to stop and I would look like a monster with my eyes swollen shut. Maybe that memory, or another one, when I found out a famous trainer and dear friend of mine had died. I was coming home from riding and someone sitting across from me was reading a sports newspaper and the whole front page was the news of this man's death. I hadn't known. I was in shock, fought back the tears because I knew, again, if I started crying I wouldn't be able stop but when I came up out of the subway station I couldn't hold them back any longer. I went to the wake the next day, which was my birthday. So maybe those, too. Gosh, I am writing a novel here, aren't I?
Sorry about that. OK, calling it a post!
Last edited by redballoon; 01-22-2005 at 06:51 PM.
Hi again everyone-just wanted to respond back to you-
Red- I am officially forbidding you from telling any other stories that involve sadness and animals. (just kidding ) Once again I am sitting here crying like a baby about the guy who was walking away from his horse with tears streaming down his face. I see now why you are a writer. You have a unique ability to tell stories that make me picture them so vivdly in my mind. Sometimes this causes tears though! That poor guy- I couldn't imagine. I know jockeys and their horses have a phenomenal bond and I bet he was heartbroken. Okay- enough about that- my bf kids me because I don't get really sad until an animal is involved then I turn into a blubbering fool.
I am glad you did not lose anyone from 911. I can imagine it was terse waiting to get through and wondering if everyone was OK. Also seeing a friend on the front page. WOW! That would have thrown me and I think I would have lost it.
As for me and 911- like Grasshopper said- I have a bond now with the people that experienced that with me. I really had a hard time with it and I didn't even know anyone in the towers. I was depressed for months and would cry in the weirdest moments. I don't know why it effected me so strongly exceot maybe all the stories of people who had lost someone and the stories of people that survived. I think the image that effected me the most was two people praying together and you could see the towers on fire behind them. People were rushing past them and they stopped on the sidewalk in a mass of people to pray. Gives me chills.
I am glad you liked your horoscope. I am trying to put some though into them and I want them to be upbeat and happy. I hope you get to ride today and take to heart taking extra time to enjoy life a little.
As for my bf I guess I won't actually put him on eBay although there are times when it is tempting. I am so stressed about that situation because I have to decide in April whether we move together or I strike out on my own. On top of graduation, new job, etc. I have to make this huge decision about my life.
Charleston SC is really pretty. I use to go there on the weekends when I attended the University of South Carolina in Columbia SC. A group of us would go down and hang out and for awhile I dated a guy who went to the Citadel in Charleston. Good memories in that town.
I am from Spartanburg which is way north of Charleston- right before you cross into NC. I lived in a little town in Spartanburg called Boiling Springs and we lived way out in the country. Man, I miss my old house sometimes.
Anyway- don't stress the scales so much. I think your idea of measuring other aspects is really great. You should definitely look at your muscle formation and how your body is reacting to the walking and working out. I bet you are doing better than you give yourself credit for.
Grasshopper- Don't sweat the weight loss- you once said something that I find especially true- you are on a restricted diet and there is only so much you can do. I think you have nothing to worry about- sounds like you are getting stronger and more fit and that is wonderful!
I didn't know they found a sunken ship off the coast of NC. That is really cool! I can see how that would be memorable for sure. As for 911 - I kind of responded to red with that too. I totally agree with you that it made an impact on my life. I think a few others for me would be when the space shuttle exploded in the 80's with the teacher aboard. Believe it or not, when Walter Cronkite went off the air- he was who my dad always watched and there was a special reverence in my family for him. It was sad to see him go off the air because it closed a chapter of memories with my dad.
Another moment for me was when a dear friend of mine died of cancer when I was in 8th grade. That was the first time I ever experienced death and I had seen him the day before he died. It profoundly changed me just knowing him. Anyway- life has a way of changing us sometimes for the worse and often for the better.
Well tonight I am reading for class and it is a Saturday night- sometimes I feel like such a nerd. WOOHOO! Hot time at my house on a Saturday night! Geez!
I have been doing terrible with eating and only slightly better with food. I don't know why I refuse to do this. Sigh!
I better go- this is turning into a novella and I need to get back to it.
Have a wonderful night everyone!
Okay, guys, I did it, weighed myself and, as I expected, I did not post a loss, but a gain. Oh well, though my exercising has been great, my eating wasn't. How am I ever going to lose the fat if I keep cancelling out the exercise by eating. I'm considering it maintenance, however, because I have tightened up. I'm a bit sore too so there will be some water weight there. Oh well, it sucks but I will use this to try to learn to finally stop spinning my wheels. I mean, I DID do a ton of exercise this week. I had no beer whatsoever. So, I have to consider the high price I'm paying for the sugar, chocolate and licorice I ate. Yes, I'm bored at work, I'm looking for a reward, an immediate reward, when I get home at night. So, if that's enough to throw away my chance at losing fat, then I'll have to accept that. If not, I'll have to make changes in what I'm doing throughout the week. I do like the muscle. I do like the strength. Can I lose a bit of the sugar, a bit of the empty calories in exchange for seeing some of the fat come off? These are my choices. I'm going to reflect on them . . .
You see, how adult I'm being?! Can I keep this up?!? Oh, the actual numbers were, present weight is 73.6 kg, up 0.88 lbs from last week, still up 1.76 lbs from Jan. 2 starting weight.
Red-
I just saw your post! Do not get upset over 2 pounds! Geez- you know better than that. That could be all water weight from lifting weights and in reality after you adjust - your weight will go down. My question for you is how do you feel? I bet you are feeling better and healthier.
Yes- if you lay off the candy you will have better results. If I ate nothing but rice and ran 6 miles a day I would show some too. You can't deprive yourself of anything that is slightly bad. Yes- cut down on sweets but give yourself a break. You are not perfect and that is a good thing.
Okay off my soapbox- buck up! You are doing great!
Also- keep in mind that stress may cause you to retain and you are going through some life changes right now- going to be stressful but that is OK.
Last edited by Crime girl; 01-22-2005 at 08:24 PM.
Crime girl -- I am sitting here crying myself because I was remembering all the other parts of that racing breakdown that I hadn't written about and they were much sadder. I will not write about them though for your sake. Just promise to buy my books some day when they come out, OK? I certainly don't want people to cry, I mean, that's never my intention but people always say they do. Of course, I'm crying when I write the stories that make people cry so I guess if I were the only one crying it wouldn't speak well for my either my mental health or my writing!
OK, I won't fret the weight gain, lack of loss. Losing weight is hard work, especially for a survivor-type body like I have. And I am rather extreme in the type of body I want, which is really an athlete's body. If I want it, then I have to accept and be proud of the amount of work it is going to take to get it. Then I can be all the more proud of it when I get it. And I'm going to get it this year! Of course, only a few people, such as the bodybuilders at the gym, will realize just what that effort is, but I will know and I am hoping that is enough. I guess I shouldn't make light of the effort I put into things. I think the tendency to belittle what I do comes from trying to be liked by everyone, well, not everyone, but people I like, even though they may be total slackers, people who I think are wasting their lives. The thing is, I don't think that's a reason for me to criticize them or think less of them, but, unfortunately, that's usually not the case with them. They're the very people who seem to find it extremely easy and even gratifying to criticize others, including moi! I wonder if they don't see things or, much more likely, if they do and are jealous, yet not willing to put in the effort themselves and so transfer their own self-disappointment into criticism of me. Whatever. I try to be modest but that takes its toll, in that you really start to not recognize your own achievements.
Ok, I have to leave now. I will write more later so don't think I am ignoring your nice long post Crime girl. Thanks for your encouragement and all. It really means a lot. Later!
Last edited by redballoon; 01-22-2005 at 08:42 PM.
Red-
This will be a really quick post-
Of course I will buy your book and in all seriousness you should consider writing one. You have a way with words and I think you would write a winner!
As for the friends who like to criticize-some people who can't accomplish their goals or aren't happy with themselves will belittle someone else to make themselves feel better. I don't know why this happens but they like to try to knock people down to their level. Don't let them do it!
Remember that - Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. What matters is what you think. Concentrate and stay focused on your goals- you can do it. Also- it is just as important and hard for you as the rest of us. I think in some respects your struggle is harder because to see results you really have to work. Someone like me just needs to change a few things and make some effort to see results. I have so much more weight than you to lose. You will see less changes in the scales and more in your body tone and strength. Don't lose focus- you can do anything you set your mind to.
Okay- need to run- have to get back to reading.
You know, seems to me you are both talking about writing a book....looks like I have a few to pick up in the future But only if I can get them signed
Forgive me - I've had 2 glasses of wine. I haven't had wine since Thanksgiving. I'm now a lush with a capital L. I do feel very good and happy with the world...oh and very much in love with my wonderful Boyfriend.
As for life changing but none historical events. April 19, 1988. I was riding in the passenger seat..my mom driving, my grandmother in the back seat and my brother asleep in the seat behind me. It was about 8:00 at night. We were on our way home from a special church service. It was starting to rain and we were listening to an a musac station that was playing a voiceless "she's like the wind..." We were on a highway, so we were going about 55...the school bus ran the stop sign completely. We hit it several times as it drug us, spinning, through the intersection. I have few memories after that. I remember that my brother tried to pull me from the car but when he saw my face he freaked out. I was trying to tell him I wasn't hurt, it just looked bad - but he says I never said anything to him. I remember my mom trying to take my rings off and telling me to get out of the car because she was scared it would blow up...that's when I realized I couldn't move. That was my life altering moment. I spent the next year of my life thinking about all the things you normally contemplate when you're much older....I had a lot of time to stare at the ceiling and thinking though. I missed my proms, the rest of my school year, and trip to Russia, and a boyfriend because of that night and it is forever a part of the time line of my life..."before the wreck" or "after the wreck" Every single diagnosis I get today I wonder if it's related to the accident and I fight to not wonder what my life would be like now if not for that wreck. I know I wouldn't be a massage therapist - so there is some good that came of it. But in truth it was a wreck that change every fiber of my being and should have killed me. I broke more bones than I didn't that night. I lost a ton of memories that night.
I am very lucky to be alive and I try to remind myself every day - I'm on borrowed time. I have to make the most of it. I think I'm truly making more of my life than I would have if not for the accident though. I really do. It has given me a courage I didn't have before. A kind of "if I can make it through THAT......." feeling.
If this was weird - blame the wine. GOOD BOTTLE too I don't even care that i can't have it It's been two months - I'm due
WOW! Grasshopper- that gave me chills. Was anyone else hurt in the accident? I know it is hard to recover and the moments of the accident- you trying to tell your brother you were okay- really shook me.
I had a bad accident when I was in 10th grade. My brother was driving and we were talking- he was home from college and we are close and we were talking to catch up. I remember getting in the car with him and despite warnings from my folks I did not put on a seatbelt. I was trying to eat a sandwich before going to a band competition and I actually remember thinking if my mom got mad about the seat belt I would have a good excuse.
Anyway- 2 houses up from us (about 1/2 mile) my brother leaned over to get a drink that I had between my knees and when he went to put it back he ran off the road. We jumped a 3 foot ditch-hit a man mowing his lawn with a push mower and hit a telephone pole. I remember trying to tell my brother I was OK and the expression on his face. The part I still have nightmares about is the sound of my mom screaming and crying- she heard the wreck from outside and came running the distance to get to us. I still wake up sometimes with the image of my dad holding my mom back so she wouldn't freak me out too bad. The doctors told me I was lucky- 5 miles faster and I would have been dead. Apparently my head went through the windshield and I pulled it back through after the wreck. I still don't remember that part. I had 9 major scars on my face because of it and I still have one remaining today. I went through 3 plastic surgeries and was set to go for a fourth for the last scar on my chin when I decided to keep it. I think I needed a reminder that I am lucky to be here. I wanted something that would remind me everyday that I am here for a purpose and I am blessed to have a chance to live my life.
Anyway- from what you have told us about your accident mine was not as bad as yours but I guess what I am trying to relay is I can understand that feeling of being spared. It is funny the things you remember from events like these in your life- a song on the radio, what you were talking about etc.
Enjoy your wine tonight little grasshopper. Be happy and celebrate life.
Until tomorrow-
Wow, you guys, what can I say in reply to both your horrific tales! I guess all I can say is I'm glad you made it through and are still here with us!
grasshopper -- though I hate to think what I am if two glasses of wine makes you a lush! I am glad to hear you're enjoying yourself. I hope the repercussions from this mega-indulgence will not be too great. Not meant as a dig, I know you are very sensitive to such things. No, I'm really glad to hear you (and the BF) are having some fun.
As I said, what a horrific accident you had. Yes, I remember you saying you had been in an accident but hadn't known it was so bad. Yes, that is freaky about you thinking you were reassuring your brother that you were OK. Maybe you were ready to take leave from this world and what you meant by "OK" isn't what most people would mean. Was your face really injured badly or was it just the blood? Why was your mom trying to take your rings off and at the same time telling you to get out of the car? Strange. Was the time sequence of events messed up for you or was she actually trying to take your rings off then? You say you lost memories. So did you have brain damage and was your head badly injured? Sorry for all the questions. But, wow, this was such a life-changing event for you, I want to hear more about it. That is, of course, if you don't mind talking about it.
Crime girl -- Wow, you too! I'm so sorry to hear you went through a terrible accident too. How much school did you miss? Did that affect you a lot at such a vulnerable age having all those injuries, then scars to your face? Was the man mowing the lawn killed? In any case, I am glad you are with us now.
I have heard a lot of people who were deeply affected by the 9/11 attacks as well. I guess it was different for those of you in the States, and also maybe as you haven't lived abroad. I think living abroad (then again it depends on how you've lived I suppose) takes away an awful lot of that feeling of "home" and so things that threaten that concept or, in this case, the actual "home" perhaps don't affect you as much as people you have always had a strong feeling of home. I don't know. It may just be the individual person. I know people in New York who weren't affected by it much at all. But there again, there were friends of mine from here who have gone back to the States. In any case, I would think that one's philosophies, whatever they may be at that point in your life, are shaken and/or tested. I'm not sure I remember that picture of the people praying, maybe I do. I remember a voice clip I'd gotten off one of the news services, a woman, nearly in tears, her voice strained and breaking, describing the people jumping. It sends chills through me even to remember it now.
It sounds like you certainly do have some big decisions ahead of you. You sound like you really have it together though so I'm sure you will do the right thing. I really want you to meet your graduation goal weight. The weight change will change you considerably I am sure and I think you should be making these decisions from that new viewpoint. We tend to think we are the same person and maybe we are inside but the way we react to the outside is very different. I was very heavy when I lived in Germany and the things I missed out on, the things I would have done, I know I would have done (or hadn't done) were directly linked to my weight and how I felt about myself because of that weight. It was major and though I tend to forget, if I think about it I realize the impact my weight and appearance had on my life. Okay, some of that was just youth, but it was youth coupled with being overweight and in a society that really looked down on that, much more so than the States even. Even now, I'm sure there are so many things my weight and appearance affect and alter, if not only me and my thoughts and actions, than those of others. I mean really, it's like the way people treat you different if you wear different clothes. Our bodies are our costumes.
Oh, Crime girl, you're hardly a nerd. Anyone can go out and party on Saturday night but how many people can stay home and study? Not many. One night out is like most any night out with only slight variations. You can go out some night once your studying is over, and believe me, you won't have missed much that you can't catch up on REAL fast!! On top of that you will have something REAL that most people will only dream of, if they can even imagine it.
Last edited by redballoon; 01-23-2005 at 06:03 AM.
Red-
Before I closed this thread I wanted to answer back to your post.
As for the wreck- it did profoundly change things for me both for the worse and for the better. I had a hard time trying to convince myself to go back to school with stitches but I have a dear friend who came over every day while I was healing and he protected me once I returned to school. Nobody messed with him so he used that to protect me from people making wise cracks etc. Basically he said he would kick anyone's butt that offended me. The accident made us closer as friends and he became close with my family as well. We are still friends to this day- I will always love him like a brother for protecting me.
Bad things also came of it of course. The man mowing his lawn was not killed but was injured pretty badly. We actually hit the mower itself and it slammed into him. He had to go to the hospital for stitches and had a lot of bruising.
There was also a rift between me and my brother who blamed himself for the accident. It took a long time before we got back to near the level of closeness that we had before it happened. My brother went back to college and promptly became an alcoholic and never finished school. He ended up in the Navy and that drove distance between us. As adult - now years later - we are finally getting back to being close again.
By the way- I missed 5-6 days of school for the accident and some school everytime I had plastic surgery.
As for 911 you are probably right in reference to me. I guess I kind of felt like a victim of a violent crime in their house- violated. I have always been proud of where I live- the land of the free, right? When they attacked us it profoundly shook my sense of security. I also saw people interviewed about other people jumping and I know what you mean about chills. I became a TV junkie when it heppened- drawn to the suffering and horrible stories of both death and survival. The TV didn't help me heal and probably made it much worse because that is all I saw for months.
I think you are right that people who have lived in different countries and travelled a bit have a different outlook and probably were not as shook and horrified as I was. I really haven't travelled at all- I have been to Canada but never anywhere else out of the country. I have also never been west of the Mississippi River. Sheltered a bit I guess.
As for my bf and all those decisions- I know they will work out. I try to let them go and have faith they will work out. It will not be easy but what in life worth having is easy? That goes for the weight loss too- I know I will be the same person on the inside and I am happy about that because that part I like. I agree that how I relate with the world will change. I do not do things now that I could because of my weight. I don't go out and dance, go bike riding down the Appalachee trails, join clubs, etc. because of my weight. I also want to make my target weight by graduation- I want to feel proud and empowered when I finish school. So- I am back on the program now and we will see how hard I can push myself to achieve my goals.
By the way- I am OK with being a nerd. I could go out if I wanted- I know that. People constantly invite me along but you are right- the studying has to happen. I know I need to set my priorities and get this stuff done. I just laugh because in my town EVERYONE goes out on the weekend. College town! I honestly would choose to stay home even if I didn't have school work. I have found that I no longer enjoy the act of going out, getting drunk, and partying until I puke. It seems so counterproductive to me and I am a type A personality that likes utility in my choices. Strange but true.
sunday morning, pre-weigh-in. . .
) Once again I am sitting here crying like a baby about the guy who was walking away from his horse with tears streaming down his face. I see now why you are a writer. You have a unique ability to tell stories that make me picture them so vivdly in my mind. Sometimes this causes tears though! That poor guy- I couldn't imagine. I know jockeys and their horses have a phenomenal bond and I bet he was heartbroken. 
Okay- enough about that- my bf kids me because I don't get really sad until an animal is involved then I turn into a blubbering fool. 
and the results are in . . . as expected. . .
buck up! You are doing great! 
the way of things. . .
Later!
But only if I can get them signed 
Wow!
