[happy2bme]

Hippy.... I'm so sorry. I'll say some extra prayers for you that all goes well. I know it's foolish to say try not to worry so all I can say is to keep yourself calm until the test results come back.

I've typed and erased 10 sentences, nothing sounds right. So I'll just say you are in my thoughts and prayers and virtual hugs across the Internet to you.

I'm having computer problems today, I'll be back later to check in.

[happy2bme]

Hippy, hope your mamogram went ok. Usually they have you hang around while a radiologist checks things to see if they need more pictures. Then you can either leave relieved or more freaked out than ever. I am reading more and more about women having to take charge of their own health AND fighting with doctors to get them to either listen or offer an explanation other than "it's probably nothing to worry about". A few years back I had a routine mamogram. One of the other doctors in the practice called me back - a woman who is now my gyne and said I needed to go back because they found calcification in the breast. I started reading up on it and got nutzo when I saw that it was a pre-indicator of cancer. My gyne at the time, a man who I'd been going to for 20 years and I really liked him alot didn't say much other than "probably nothing to worry about but we'll keep an eye on it". After he retired 2 years ago, I switched to the doctor who called me. She is so different, concerned about all over health care, not just the gyne stuff. Anyway, still crossing my fingers and hoping all turns out well for you.

I got on that blasted exercise bike yesterday for all of tah dah - 3 MINUTES. It's an old Lifecycle, we bought it when they first started offering the gym version for at home use. It's really hard to pedal and with my short legs, it's hard to get comfortable on it. You have to keep up a minimum of 80 revolutions per minute or the thing shuts off. I can't even imagine some of the more intense programs when you have to pedal at 100rpm. Either I am pedalling with my toes or my upper thighs sieze up because the legs aren't in the right position. We tried drilling a hole in the seat adjustment and also wooden blocks. Guess I will have to get me a pair of the outrageous platform shoes the kids wear, the ones that look like Frankenstein boots. At least on the gym bikes I could do 20 minutes before I fell over wheezing. But I will persevere. Tonight I'm going for 4 minutes straight.

I am having a hard time fighting with myself about staying motivated. The South Beach Diet is what I need to be on yet it is somewhat boring. I really crave crunchy french bread or some sort of dessert. It's a double edged sword because in most cases I'd rather have a little bit of something really good rather than a serving of some poor man's substitute. Yet, I can't really do that either because the sugar just brings on more intense cravings. It's a big internal struggle - even with the exercise. I feel like I am just being stubborn and lazy. And I hate that but not enough I guess to overcome the other thoughts that constantly run through my head. I am also getting huge cravings at night to eat something about 9pm or so. It doesn't have to be much - 2 slices of apple or a cheese stick but I'd rather not eat at all. Argh. This is so annoying. I am trying to keep things in perspective - like Hippy at the moment, there are bigger things in life to fret about than food and a little exercise. Maybe I need hypnosis or a brain cell transplant. Ok, I'm off to the basement to do at least 4 minutes on the nasty bike...

[hippychic]

Just a quick post. First off thank you Raven and Happy for the words of encouragement. You guys are great. Wish I could give both of you a big old hug!

Yesterday the technician told me there is a cyst but didn't seem too concerned. I have to go back today and have a sonogram ran on that side so they can get a closer look. Now I'm worried because I'm assuming if there is something bad in there she wasn't allowed to tell me. I will be so glad when this over.

Happy, I use to go to a female gyn but she moved away. I hated that because she always paid attention. I just had my yearly in Sept and the doc, a man, didn't feel that spot in my breast and just told me not to worry about it being larger. There are no other female gyn's here so I guess afetr this I will travel further to find someone that pays attention and hopefully one that ins. will cover.

Well girls I have to run....Update you as soon as I can...THANK YOU!!!!!!!

[happy2bme]

Hippy, sounds like they are just doubling checking to make sure. Cysts are usually watery things which could account for the leakage as opposed to tumors which I thought were generally hard in nature. The fact that they said they thought it was a cyst I would take as a more positive sign. But we'll still keep sending those good radar vibes to you until this is all over and done with. :

Well I am off to the dentist for round 87 with this stupid tooth of mine. It's still a bit tender - comes and goes so we'll see what the dentist said. I really REALLY don't want to go but I keep telling myself this will be over in an hour and a half and then I can go on with better things for the day. Later peoples...

[RavenToy]

Good morning lovely chickies!

Hippy - You know I'm still thinking about you, and was so glad to see that you posted an update this morning. You got one step over with, now hopefully the sonogram will ease your fears and they can aspirate the cyst or remove it or whatever needs to be done, and that will be that. Hang in there girl! And please let us know how it goes, ok?

Happy - Why is it that I pictured you as tall?? I'm a shorty, sometimes it's frustrating because all the exercise equipment is built for people much taller than I am. Usually men, face it. I can just imagine you trying to bike in those platforms! Can you chop up some veggies to eat at night? Or maybe drink a couple glasses of water? I used the vegetables as my evening snack till I just got over it. Now as soon as dinner is over (MOST of the time) I'm fine for the rest of the evening. Once in a while I still feel the need to graze, but I just think about what I'm trying to accomplish, and how badly I want it, and that's that. And I am really lucky, I give myself a little dessert after dinner - the skinny cows or the healthy choice things - and I am really happy. I feel so decadent. I know if I didn't do that, I probably couldn't stay OP for the rest of the day. Only once have I ever eaten more than one of them at a time, and I was mortified. Now I eat one, feel all spoiled and happy, and leave the kitchen for the rest of the night.

This morning I finally resisted the lure of the cardio (probably because I really want to avoid the shinsplints this time around) and did back/chest/shoulders. It's weird because I'm so used to coming out of a workout all sweaty and breathing hard.. and with weights I don't, of course. OTOH, I could barely lift my arms up to wash my hair or even type enough to make comments in journals this morning. My arms just kept quivering and wanting to fall back to my sides. Tomorrow I'll hit the treadmill again, then Saturday will be biceps/triceps and maybe treadmill too, then Sunday will be legs and maybe treadmill too. Or not. That one is negotiable.

The scale is still being horribly stubborn. I know I'm losing fat, I know I'm building muscle, and I just need to keep doing what I'm doing. I know this because if I look closely at my body, I see subtle changes. Things like my collar bones becoming more prominent, the little fat pads under my arms are receding and I'm actually developing arm "pits." There are so many places where we can lose fat that we can't measure, so even measuring isn't going to always be indicative of the progress I'm making. It occurred to me this morning that I, as a fat chick, have avoided looking too closely at my body. Face it, it doesn't feel good to closely examine a body that just isn't what you want to see. But on this journey I've started to take off those blinders, and really look. I had become numb to the good parts and the bad. I wasn't able to see small changes, which actually hurt me as I climbed the scale because I refused to acknowledge, refused to see the weight going on. But now.. I see good things. Like my legs, yeah, they're short. But they're strong, and very well shaped. My butt doesn't stick out too much, I have broad, strong shoulders, and I'm starting to develop muscles under that tummy pooch. This body isn't a bad body, as a matter of fact, it's a darn nice one. I just need to find it under the fluff I've allowed to pile on over the years. I think I'm going to be looking a lot closer at this body over the rest of my lifetime.

Today is going to be busy, and work is really the least of it. As a matter of fact, I wish I could bail on work because I'm pretty much caught up. I have so many things I need to do outside of work because.... TODAY IS PAYDAY!!! I made it. Ok so tonight the ravenous hoardes want Subway, I think I'll buy that for them and pick up some roast chicken and green beans for myself. I have the overwhelming urge to eat really, really clean today. As a matter of fact.. hey.... I think I'll pick that up for LUNCH and eat the rest for dinner! Ooooo I'm so smart!

Alrighty then... Hippy - really, I am so thinking about you and hoping you are doing ok. Happy... chickie .. c'mon. Remember how important this is to you, this lifestyle change, this getting fit and losing the fat and how much you want it. Don't let go of that for some immediate gratification thing. Please?

[luckycharm]

Hi everyone.

First of all Hippy I am so sorry that I wasn't on yesterday to wish you luck and tell you that I too am sending prayers your way. * A great big bear hug * to you so that you know that you have support here. * Another great big hug *

Happy I am sorry that your tooth is still bothering you. I had thought that you had gotten over the tooth pain. So was your dentist able to help you today? I had such a good laugh (thankyou so much) over what you wrote last week about the pillowcase with holes in it was all your hubby needed for sexy wear. That is so true.

Raven I can't believe how great your attitude is. I am truly amazed at how far you have come so far this year. I am hoping that some of that will rub off on me by reading your posts.

I have been reading, but I have not been so motivated. I really don't know what has been holding me down. However, I don't want to bring you ladies down with me, so I just lurke. I am actually usually in bed by 9:00 now as I seem to have no energy. Anyway, I must run as it is past my bed time.

A big group hug to all of you wonderful ladies.

Have a happy Friday.

Kathy.

[RavenToy]

Just a really quickie reply to Lucky.. STOP IT! Er, the thinking you're going to bring us down, that is. We're here to help you OUT of that funk, sweetie. I know from experience that the less you talk, the more you pull away, and the more you keep to yourself, the harder it is to stay OP. C'mon chickie, rant, vent, ramble... whatever. I think I speak for whomever is left on this thread when I say I have pretty big ears (eyes, whatever). You know how many times I've blorted things out here, either on this thread or in my journal, and just felt so much better about it? I can't even begin to count. So please Kathy... don't feel like you're going to bring us down, we're here to lift you up!!!

Ok, off to treadmill land! More later.

[hippychic]

Good morning! I actually have some time this morning. I had the sonogram yesterday. The radiologist came in and looked for himself. He told he he is pretty sure that it is a benign fibroid. He said we could either go ahead and biopsy it to know for sure or I would have to have a mamaogram every 4 months to keep a check on it. I opted to have the biopsy. I don't want to have to worry daily if it might be cancer and didn't want it laying in there growing if it is. It was very stressful, I couldn't feel any pain but i could feel the pressure of the tugging and pulling to get through the thick, stuck together tissue to get to the spot. I can do nothing for 48 hours. No cooking, cleaning, lifting, I don't know what to do with myself!!!!! Gary took off work today to help me out, ahhhhhhh....isn't he sweet!? The radiologist told me my doctor would have a report Monday. I told him that will make for a very stressful weekend. He gave me a number to call him personally today at 3 to get my results. I thought that was really sweet. I have a good feeling about this so I hope I'm not blown away when I make that call.

Okay, on to you girls, I apologize for being self absorbed that past few days and not commenting on your posts.

You are still kickin some butt raven, I am so proud of you!!

Kathy, thank you for the well wishes, you are so sweet. I worry too about posting and bringing everyone down but have decided that is why we are here. Stress and low motivation can ruin the chance of reaching our goals so I agree with raven. Rant, rave, scream.....we don't mind at all!!!

Happy, don't give up now! When I did SB I didn't eat from the book, that crap sounded nasty! I just used a little imagination and when I got burnt out I would make a homemade crustless pizza or a taco salad with no shell, the possibilities are endless. I always had the sugar free pudding because I love sweets. No it's not like the real thing but it worked. I'm sure you know all of this already so I'm not trying to act like the big hero plan follower just hate to see you get off track.

This little episode with my health has really scared me. I had a hard time keeping myself together when I would see Jordan because I'm not prepared for him to not have his mom. I know this probably sounds blown out of proportion to you but you couldn't imagine the thoughts that have gone through my head. Anyway, I have done alot of thinking and alot of soul searching and I know now more than ever that only I can change my bad habits. No, I can't control what goes on inside my body but I can control what goes into it. I have vowed to eat healthy, exercise daily and try my best to get off of these damn cigarettes. It's high time that I step up to plate, stop whining and take responsibility for my own actions. Not saying it's going to be easy but atleast I feel like I am willing to do something other than gripe about not liking veggies!

Gary is taking me to the bank and grocery and so today so he can do the lifting and the packing so I better get ready. Today at 3 I hope to hear the best news of my life! Thanks for your continuing support! Have a lovely day!

[happy2bme]

Hey Kathy, I "second that emotion" that Raven talked about. I too am in a bit of a February "funk" - it's the toughest month of the year for me - winter blahs and all that mixed in with some things that I can't even put a finger on as to why I feel this way. All I can say is that there seems to be a cycle of ups and downs - I only wish it would be consistently up for longer periods of time

When I'm in a down cycle I too feel sort of estranged from this place and others have said the same. I don't know why we feel that unless we're 100% in the game, we shouldn't be posting here or have nothing to say. Some of the threads like the periodic challenges might be that way but in the Support Groups it's more like online cyber friends. Speaking for myself I can say that often when I reach out to someone, it also gives me some strength because I'm not only talking, but I'm also reinforcing some of my own positive ideas.

And speaking from a totally selfish point of view, I've been on these boards almost 2 years. Been on several threads where I met some terrific people. And then eventually things peter out - people get busy, things happen, lack of interest and pretty soon you are the only one left in the room standing all by yourself wondering - gee do I smell? Am I that boring? Where IS everyone? And that's really sad

While I have not lost anywhere near the weight I had hoped for in the last 2 years, because I have hung around here I think it has at least helped me to break the vicious cycle of continuous weight gain as the years roll by. And the cycles between up and down and getting shorter in duration and I have never completely gone back to 100% of the bad habits that had me gaining for all those years past. There have been times I thought about leaving this place but deep down I know that if I do, I'm the one who will be worse off for it.

So.... I must have lost 12 ounces on that speech But the point is, please keep active There's more to life than just food and exercise!

And thank you Raven for the pep talk yesterday.

[happy2bme]

Ah Hippy, we have cross posted! I think all your worries are not blown out of proportion, but entirely normal, especially worrying for your family. One of the women at work was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor in her breast. Another had a cancerous mole removed and they were doing a biopsy on another they had found on her back. Yesterday I heard that the first woman's lumpectomy was successful, it appears that they got it all and it had not spread to the lymph nodes, the other lady's mole was benign. So that was 2 incidents of good news and since good news comes in 3's I'm hoping you will complete that set of 3 Think positive!

And thank you for the suggestions on the diet, I welcome any and all suggestions! I found the induction part to be very difficult - especially that nasty ricotta cheese "dessert" stuff - I'd rather skip the calories all together than eat something I didn't like just for the sake of eating it.

And I see you are a fellow smoker? Hmmm... I could use a quit buddy. I'm really concerned about giving up that habit more than anything. It's hard for non smokers to understand how you could not like something soooooooo much yet not be able to give it up. I know (having tried to quit already) that it is 100 times harder than anything else I have tried to change in my life. It's more than a crutch, it's like the epitome of the evil half of my brain.

Well work calls for the day, best get busy and earn that 50 cents Take care ladies, I'm sending out some good vibes and got my net out to catch some of yours back to me!

[RavenToy]

And good morning again. I'm at work now, and it's going to be one of *those* Fridays. Traffic was ooky - which is weird for Friday, it's usually light coming in. Got here and already my boss is hollering at people - which is not his fault, it's people who have made mistakes on engineering drawings which cost us time and money. The phone is ringing pretty much non-stop... all I can do is hope everyone runs out of steam around noon and things quiet down!

Hippy - I'm so glad that things are looking up! I don't think you're over reacting at all. I told you this once, and I did mean it - I can't imagine how frightening something like that would be. But I know how I feel about my kids and my life, and I'm sure that handling a scare like that would not be easy. As far as being self-absorbed... uhm .. you kind of had a lot on your mind, I think I understand. And though this may come out sounding really bad - if the silver lining to this scare is that you really start to push being healthy, losing fat, quitting smoking... maybe a wake-up call is what you needed? If that sounds REALLY tacky, I'm sorry, I'm crappy at this kind of thing. I'll be thinking of you today, and hoping very much that the results come back as benign. I'm sure your hubby is just as anxious as you are, so him staying home probably helps him to deal with this, too. I know I'd be much more comfortable with my guy home with me on a day like that, too.

Happy - And I have to quote something Hippy said.. "I'm sure you know all of this already so I'm not trying to act like the big hero plan follower just hate to see you get off track." Just because I'm feeling particularly motivated right this minute doesn't mean that I have been constantly. If I had been, I wouldn't be where I am now, eh? I know I'm going to have my funks too. I have at least a year of working at this to lose the weight I want to lose. There is no way I am going to be relentlessly positive and perpetually motivated to eat right and exercise for the entire year. It's weird... During the up times, I can't figure out why doing this ever seemed so difficult. During the down times, I can't imagine ever having had the motivation to do it to begin with. All I know is that I desperately do NOT want to hit new years 2005 with 50 pounds to lose. Again. For the zillionth time. So for right now, I just keep going. And I too have gone through the "Where is everybody?" stuff .. or the "Why doesn't anybody respond to me on this thread, are my posts invisible??" Like you, I know that if I hadn't had 3FC to lean on during this last year, there is no way I would have even made a feeble attempt to stay OP during my father's accident, and there is very little chance I would have been able to get back OP this year after the food and exercise train wreck that was my trip to Alaska, and then the holidays, and the job/financial stress on top of all that.

You said something about my being "compassionate." I guess I am, up to a point. I seem to have a lot of intolerance for certain things, however. And not just in others, but in myself as well. I try very hard to remember that I have had periods in my life where I simply could NOT dig myself out of my hole, but it's hard. I suppose that is a leftover issue from my father's intolerance. In any case, if I come across sometimes as impatient, intolerant, mean spirited, or any of those less than positive qualities, I apologise.

So for all of you.. Happy, Hippy, and Lucky - : : : : : : I am hoping today is a wonderful one, and that good news, and good feelings are the order of the day!

[hippychic]

Just a little post to pass some time. It's 1:30 and I'm getting nervous. I have done all of my shopping and so on and this day seems to be dragging on.

You know raven, everyone needs a wake up call at one time or another in their life I think so I don't think you were being tacky at all.

Happy, the dreaded smoking....I don't even enjoy cigarettes anymore but I sure can't throw them away. I have tried a hundred times. Now I will be working on 101 but hopefully with some success. Any suggestions????

I told Gary last night that I never get to be waited on so for the next 2 days everyone could just call me QUEEN MAMA but I'm done now! I don't know what to do with my time. I think I want to do things just because I have been told that I can't!

Better go, will let you all know what is said

[happy2bme]

Originally Posted by hippychic

I think I want to do things just because I have been told that I can't!

Hippy, I hear you on that one! Isn't it funny, under normal circumstances you are rush, rush, rushing around complaining that there's hardly enough time to get everything done that you wanted to. And there's NEVER enough time to goof and and spend some "me" time. I have stacks of books and magazines that I can't seem to toss because "I want to get to them someday". Likewise with a box of loose paper recipes that I need to sort through and toss. I have half started craft projects up the wazootie. Drawers that need to be sorted and clothes that need to be gone through and thinned out. I can count on one hand the times that I've been physically restricted like you and did I do any of these things? I focused on all the things I couldn't do

Loose yourself in a book, movie, magazine. Go do some surfing on the Internet. Play computer games. Nap. Get a Nintendo Figure out ways we can help each other quit Get a diet book and plan your meals for the next month. Better still, get the South Beach Diet book and plan MY meals for the next month Hang in there, just keep thinking, by next week this will all be over and done with. Mostly the time flies by too fast, then there's those times when it just won't go fast enough. Oof-duh!

[happy2bme]

Ok, big deep breath. I am ready to start again come tomorrow. We had pizza tonight. I only had 2 pieces - a reasonable portion I think but it must have had alot of salt because I am so thirsty. I drank a liter and a half of water tonight. That means no restful sleep for this sloshy squooshy pizza maven That'll teach me! Got my laundry done tonight, homework's done for the week and I got a head start on the kitchen so I'm in good shape for tomorrow. Have a list of things that must and will get done including alot of errands. I just hate to go out. It's warming just above freezing which is great for melting the snow but it also brings the onset of the flu. Everyone around here is sick and I can just feel those germs lurking and waiting for me. "C'mere, c'mere, c'mere".

Well all this water's making me sleepy so I think I'll hit the hay a bit early tonight and get an early start tomorrow. Hope you all have a good weekend!

[hippychic]

Good morning! I had the best nights sleep, no worries, no stress!! No tossing and turning

The radiologist called yesterday and said it is just fybroid tissue I am so relieved!!!!! He said there is no need to do anything any further and to just keep having a mamogram yearly. He said since I already started there is no need to wait until I'm 40 to start having them reguarly.

Gary felt the need to celebrate. Why is it that celebrating always seems to be eating out? I did make wise choices. I had a small veggie salad, a small steak and a sugar free dessert. How could I have possibly celebrated without dessert

Later today it will be back to the same old thing! Laundry, dishes, I don't want to I knew when the time that inner me would want to keep on being lazy!!! Actually, I am relieved that I am able to do it. The fuzz and crap on the carpet gets on my nerves!

Happy, a months worth of meal plans?????? About a week at a time is the best I can do! So much for becoming a professional meal planner huh?

I know I have mentioned this a million times but do you all know what happened to Jolly? Is she okay? Did I run her off?

Better get off of here and try to do a few little things. My nephew will be here later and we know the kind of messes a 5 year old can make!!

Talk to you later!