I got up early this morning to send Gary and Jordan off with a kiss, a hug and a Valentine....oops...I could tell the minute I gave Gary his that he didn't have anything for me and it made him feel bad. He is not big on this day anyway but will usually get me a card but I know he hasn't had time to get one. I felt bad because I know he will worry about that all day while he is working. All at the same time I feel bad for me because it would be so nice if just one year he would think about it and get me something without feeling like he has to because I gave him something. I have been with this man for 14 years so I know how he is and try to overlook this day and not have hurt feelings but sometimes I want to tell him to get with the program! It's valentines day! Oh well, atleast he does better for our anniversary!!!
Raven, I'm so sorry about your mom. I'm sure you really miss her. It sounds like she was a wonderful mother and grandmother. My mom has never been much on playing with the kids. She has just started laeting them sleep over in the past 6 or 7 years. She use to tell us that she raised her kids and she wasn't going to raise ours. She said that sooooo many times then one day out of the blue when Jordan turned about 9 or 10 she realized how fast he was growing up and said she would never again tell him no when he wanted to come over. Now he's at the age that going to Grandma's isn't all that and he doesn't hardly ever go over there. I guess that was a hard lesson for her to have to learn. He has grown up so fast. I don't know where the years have gone. Do you feel like that? I do know I worked hard to not be my mother. Jordan knows how much he is loved and knows that his needs come before ours. He is turning out to be a pretty good kid so I can't complain.
Happy, get out of that mood girl!!!!! I know, it's easy for me to say! I will fess up and tell that yesterday I ate chocolate. I was in the candy isle getting Gary's stuff and I saw almond kisses and I just had to have some. I used the excuse that eating chocolate releases endorphins so it would make me feel better. Isn't that hilarious? I didn't feel amy better! I just felt like I ate a bunch of candy that I did not need. The bad thig about it is I ate them after being so careful to eat the right breakfast and made good choices at Subway for lunch. I can't believe that I do that to myself I meant to comment the other day on smoking. If you find a way clue me in. I have tried to stop about a thousand times. Patches, gum, cold turkey. I actually did better going cold turkey. I sucked on sugar free cinnamon candy and didn't smoke for 7 days. I felt so much better in just that little bit of time but let me tell you, I ruined it myself. I would actually catch myself talking myself into wanting to smoke. I would get myself all worked up and think I would just have one and the next thing I knew I was right back where I started. I just don't have good self control when it comes to doing anything, losing weight, not smoking....... What's your story? Has anything worked best for you when you tried to stop? Do you sabatoge yourself also?
Guess I better go, have laundry kicked off in the washer.
Have a great day with your sweeties and your children!
Wow, noone posted yesterday, you girls must have had a very busy Valentine's Day! I was home alone until about 5. Gary and Jordan came home, my moms husband came in about 10 minutes later and wanted Jordan to go out and eat with him and mom and spend the night so we packed him a bag and he left. Gary is sicker than a dog. Sneezing, coughing, runny, stuffy nose. He offered to take me out for Valentine's Day but I knoew he really didn't feel like going so I said no. We snuggled up on the couch and watched tv for awhile and went to bed. He is still sleeping. I hope he feels better today. He felt bad for feeling so bad last night and he didn't get me anything, not even a card but promised to make it up to me when he feels better.
I have to run to the pharmacy today and pick up my pills and get him some more cold medicine and then I want to get home for the Nascar race. All of us love Nascar racing, any of you watch?
I wasn't really busy yesterday. More just .. blah. It was terrifically difficult to motivate myself to do much of anything. And at one point I started experiencing an anxiety attack about losing weight. Fear of losing what I hide behind does really get to me sometimes. That panic has, in the past, been allowed to derail me from exercise. I know that exercise is one of my greatest tools in this battle of fat loss. Eating less, eating right, that's part of it - maybe a large part, but the exercise is what kicks it into high gear. I know that well enough to both be seriously motivated to exercise to accomplish my goal, and at the same time feel a great deal of anxiety about the fact that I am uncovering myself for the world to see. In the past, I would have soothed myself by turning away and doing something else. Sleep, TV, cooking, cleaning... anything but facing the working out. Yesterday I faced the panic and got on the treadmill. I won't say it was a miracle. I'm fighting the panic again right now as I type. But for yesterday, I faced it down. And today it wasn't my plan to run, but in feeling what I'm feeling, I realize I must work out. I have to. It's not a compulsion, it's a neccessity for me to work through this fear. I will keep it as light as possible, but I must get on that treadmill till this anxiety ebbs. It's like walking a tightrope. If I fall to one side, I yield to the fear of exercise and losing weight and being slender. If I fall to the other, I yield to the obsession of working out too much and injuring myself. Apparently this is the next battle of balance I must fight. I have become relatively comfortable with the food balance, now the exercise demon is standing square in my path, and I must go straight through it. Not to either side, as either of those ways will lead down the wrong path. I must moderate, yet continue on. This is where, in the past, I would draw on the anger to shield me, to ignore the fear, and to push harder and harder and harder - I think in a bid to injure myself so I would HAVE to stop working out. This time I can't allow that. I will pace myself, I will be patient, and I will keep moving forward slowly but surely.
At some point this fear will subside. I think that when I get to my goal weight and maintain for a period of time without loss of self, slowly the fear will recede and be nothing but a memory.
The weather is, again, totally yucky. Rain, cold, wind. Our ground is so saturated it's nearly unwalkable - the grass in the back yard is actually starting to rot.
Hippy - I'm so sorry this weekend is turning out to be kind of frustrating for you. It sucks that Gary is sick. I know we went through so many colds and viruses there for a while it was ridiculous. I think my BF and I may have been fighting off something too, because we've both been just exhausted. Maybe it's the weather, or maybe it's a combination. No real symptoms, just very, very tired. I hope Gary feels better soon. None of us here are into Nascar, or much of any sport, actually. Unless it involves horses. I'm hoping I can get tickets to the circus next weekend. I don't get paid till Thursday, so we'll see if there are any tickets left by then. We've never been to a real, honest too goodness Ringling Brothers show, so I think it would be fun.
I hope the rest of the weekend goes well for you!
Edited to add...
I just had to say this... I wrote all that out, and just in getting it out of me in black and white, it really helped. It really makes it less terrifying when I know that there are other people standing behind me. It's like in putting that out here for everyone to see, I have this army standing at my side to face down this fear, I'm not alone. It's the first time I've ever really felt like I had people really cheering me on, really supporting me, really working with me to help me achieve my goal. I'm not alone. Wow. What a concept.
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Raven, I found it most interesting when you said that your fears manifest themselves in that you either procrastinate with the exercising or push yourself to the point of injury that you have to stop. Either way you stop. That was really insightful to me seeing how either extreme gets you to the same place. Never looked at it that way before. Again, your opening up helps us see things in ourselves too.
If I may ask, what is it that you are afraid to open up and expose? What are you protecting behind the fat as you say? And what are the real chances of your fears actually coming to reality if you get to your goal weight?
Hippy, sorry that Gary's sick and you had a yuckky weekend. Hope you can cuddle up and enjoy the races today.
Quick post for me, I've got ALOT to plan and take care of today. I'll be back later with more. It's weird, was just looking out the window. To the north the skies are blue and sunny and to the south there are big gray clouds producing these huge fluffy snowflakes. So it's sunny and snowing gently. Kinda like a sun shower in the summer. Well I better go get busy. Catch you later...
Raven, Raven, Raven....You are such an inspiration. I can tell you are so determined to do this and willing to face your fears head on. Stay strong girl, you are well on your way to a new you inside and out! I'm with Happy, what are you hiding? I hear people talk alot about hiding behind fat but I have never been able to figure it out. I hear them say it protects them from love, sex, and so on but how can someone not want those things? I don't know, maybe I'm just missing the point.?
I'm pretty proud of myself. My eating was good this weekend. I stayed within my calorie limit and drank alot of water. I was home all day Saturday by myself and to be honest it was so nice. I didn't feel the pressure of having to hurry and cook and clean. I didn't have to focus on food because I didn't have to cook for just myself. I'm thinking that might be some of my problem, I cook breakfast twice a day, Jordan then Gary, then Chris gets home at about 10;30 and it's time for him to eat. Gary gets up in the afternoon, eats then takes a nap, then it's time to cook supper. I am forever trying to figure out who going to eat when and what I will cook. Does all of that make any sense? Anyway, it was just nice to not have to focus on cooking all day.
Raven, the weather here sucks also. It is so muddy. you sink the minute you try to step on the ground. It's suppose to get in the 50's later in the week but with rain. I'm just going to soak up the sunshine today and tomorrow before it disappears for another 14 days!
You both asked what I used my weight to hide from. *ponder* Without going into too much melodrama... I was abused in one form or another from pretty much as young as I can remember till about when I was 13. It started out with one or two people, then we moved, and another person stepped in... That complicated by the verbal tirades from my father when he started drinking heavily pretty much destroyed any self esteem I may have had. I truly did blame anything that happened to me on me. I must have done something to deserve it, or attract that unwanted attention. I started gaining weight then, I think to try to disappear from the male radar, if you will. When I was in my late teens, early 20s, I started working out with weights and biking a lot. I lost a LOT of weight, and started dating. *sigh* Then it actually WAS my own behavior. Validation of my worth was gotten through sex. I've repeated that pattern twice. However, both times that it happened I was either with no one special, or miserably unhappy in a failing marriage to a man who had an equally abysmal self esteem and did his best to keep me fat so I wouldn't leave him. Who would want a fat chick, right? Well, I left him anyway. And I lost a LOT of weight, and I .. started to repeat the cycle. Then I met Richard. Now... our relationship has been odd in more ways than one. But unlike relationships previous, I actually feel like I'm a real person in this one. And now it's time to peel off this fat and stop being invisible. So I'm terrified on several levels. How men will relate to me. Of my own behavior. One person I was chatting about has this same kind of fear, and she called us "man-eaters." There is a lot more to all this, but it's hard to condense it all into a few paragraphs. I've learned a lot.. about me, about people, about life. But I still fear, and the fear is deep seated and will not go away till I have moved through the whole associative process. I need to lose weight, and stay at that weight, and stay in this healthy relationship. And then I will understand that the past is the past, and this is now, and ne'er the twain shall meet. And Happy - what are the chances that my history will repeat itself? That's the very frightening part. I don't know. That is one of the reasons I am trying to be as open and honest as I can with Richard about this whole thing, and trying to make him understand why I'm so concerned with our lack of intimacy. I do not want to start sniffing around for another guy once I start getting down towards my goal weight. He has good insight into this, considering how we met and what we went through, so it's not a huge surprise to him. We've continued discussions, and things are starting to happen - if you will. It gives me the confidence to keep going and to believe in myself. Anyway... sorry if that was TMI.
Happy - School again?? In a way, that's kind of cool. Being busy means less time to think about eating. OTOH, I know that being too busy can really screw up a plan if you don't make planning a priority.
Hippy - Thank you for considering me an inspiration. I had to go back and reread what I wrote trying to figure out what the heck you were talking about, though. Me, inspirational? HA! Psychotic, perhaps... You know.. I finally realized I wasn't a short order cook. It's so hard when you have smaller kids... but now my kids are old enough to get their own food if they aren't going to eat when I do. And I know what they're eating is usually pretty healthy, because I refuse to keep junk in the house anymore. That has been a huge help to me.. I treat Richard the same way, most of the time. Once in a while I'll feel all domestic and cook him a special dinner - like last night he really wanted stir fry, and that just didn't sound good to me. I wanted a hot dog. So I made him stirfry and the kids and I had hot dogs and everyone was happy. That's a rarity, though. I eat OP, and if the kids or Richard don't like what I'm fixing, they can make whatever they want.
I went online to order some decent lightweight waterproof horse blankets yesterday... and all I can say is at least I know we're not the only ones sinking into the mud. Nearly every blanket at a good price was sold out. I finally found some, but they're $80 apiece, which is a bit more than I wanted to pay. Still not terribly pricey for a good quality blanket, but every one in the $50-$60 range was sold out. Geez. And that's not at one online store... that's at every online tackshop or manufacturer I could find.
Well after I made my entry here yesterday I felt so much better I was able to relax enough to actually take my rest day. I needed it, I know. Today wasn't supposed to be running, it was supposed to be weights. But I didn't sit down yesterday and break out the two UB workouts, so I just did my run this morning and I'll do back/chest tomorrow morning. I ate far too many carbs and salt this weekend. Not very bad on calories, just very low on protein. My period is still lingering on, which is unusual for me. And of course the water yesterday was less than optimal. Today, though, back on my usual plan.. though I'm having to resort to a boxed healthy choice lunch because I didn't bring one from home. I ran out of time because Nick is working at the stables today, which means a very long drive for me to get her out there then get to work.
I am talking waayyyyyyy too much. I'm babbling. Ok .. 2 miles this morning, back down to 29:45, better, not best. Off to work.
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Wow Marian. Thank you so much for your candor. And I can't even imagine walking in your shadow what it must be like to carry that much baggage and deep seated feelings that influence your whole life constantly.
I only wish for you to find validation and self worth in the person that you are and not to measure against artificial or hyped up standards. I measure myself against those people whom I admire most and look for the qualities that I hold dear - honesty, compassion, a sense of self worth and especially those who despite pain or illness or handicaps, don't let those things get them down and march forward in life. I see you as a strong person, lean and straight in the saddle, flying at a gallop in the wind - that incredible lightness of being. Sort of that feeling like riding a motorcycle if you know what I mean - one with the environment. Because of the pain in your life, you have compassion for others which I respect and it sounds like you are teaching your children pride in who they are and self respect. So some good can come out of the bad times. I really, truly hope you can move forward and overcome the past with a new, fresh, healthy outlook. It's good to hear that things are going better with Richard. Relationships are hard, be it a significant other, family or children and sometimes even friends. And sometimes it seems like you are the only one doing all the work!
Hippy, I can totally understand how being around food all the time and cooking is just too much of a temptation. Mostly I don't mind cooking but some times I don't know what to make and nothing sounds good and I'm crabby and whiny and then it's a disaster. I actually like summer's better. The food is lighter and simpler and we do a lot of barbequeing and I make my husband do the grilling. I just have to prepare the stuff and he gets all hot and smoky!
I did pretty good staying on plan today. Just didn't get enough water in. I had to go into the office to get my laptop fixed and I wanted to go out to lunch in the worst way (and I would NOT have been good). In the end I ate my packed lunch like a good girl. As for school, I am repeating the first course in the series that I was unable to finish when I took it the first time 3 years ago. It won't be nearly as much work as the last class I had which was the last in the series and therefore the most intense. However, I have the same instructor. She's good and she makes you do alot of research on the homework so it will still be fairly time consuming. And it's a web development class. DH has been pestering me for months to make him a website of his own and I've been too busy. I told him I will use his request as my class project - provided the teacher approves of course
Well it's bedtime for me. One of my goals this week sticking to plan includes a decent bedtime. Tomorrow I face my nemisis - the Lifecycle. I hate the exercise bike! Have a good day all...
Good morning, the sun is shining again, WOOHOO!!!! Makes me feel productive!
Raven, ditto on what Happy said. I am calling you the exercise queen. I can't remember the last time I ran......20 years ago maybe It's hard enough for me to exercise the fat body, I can't imagine making it run! Maybe that will come with some lost pounds!?
I totally agree Happy, summer is much better cooking wise. We grill everyday. The meat is much better, grill some veggies or have a salad. We are going to have warm temps later in the week so I'm hoping to grill atleast 3 days in between rain showers.
I did prety good yesterday. I didn't overeat and the only thang I ate that I shouldn't have was 1 cc cookie. I didn't get in alot of water but all I had was water and tea. It was one of those I'm cold and don't want to drink cold water days! I'm sure you can relate.
Off to shower and do some housework. Have a great day!
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Hey Raven, no tears. Can't have you sitting at work looking like Tammy Faye Baker now can we? I think it would be therapeudic to sit in a circle and have people one by one remind us of the good qualities they see in us. Often we lose ourselves and can't see behind those dark cloudy thoughts.
Good on yah (as Shad would say) for running a whole mile without stopping. Overheard on the TV the other night "the only time I run is when someone is chasing me " I thought, yup, that's me. Tho I have gotten to a good trot doing sprints on the treadmill. I guess it just sneaks up on you, doesn't it? I still can't use the treadmill but I am going to have a go at the Lifecycle today. It's one of those like at the gym - you have to keep peddling at a certain pace or the bloody thing shuts off! I will just pop the headset on and pedal like mad or pretend I am the wicked witch of the west from the Wizard of Oz. Dah dah dah dah dah dah dah... I will consider 10 minutes to start a great accomplishment as that thing has always whipped my butt.
Hippy, I hear you on the it's too cold for water thing. I have taken to drinking green tea - good antioxidant properties to get the extra water in. I have almost weaned myself completely of adding any sugar to it so I'm getting more of a benefit to it.
Good that you didn't overeat yesterday. I've been having severe cravings in the evening about 9pm. I had 2 small apple slices with a dab of peanut butter but I really should eat nothing. I think it's more of a craving/habit than a need to eat.
Well I'm going to have a kick butt day even if I have to walk around whacking myself in the head! Later ladies...
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Raven, I'm sooo sorry I got your name wrong. I KNEW that didn't sound right last night when I was typing. I think I'll just stick to Raven, toots, sweetie...
I ended up being more busy at work than I anticipated. I was supposed to go to a riding lesson tonight, but between the cold and the lack of money for more gas (because of the child support check being late *again*) I decided we (Machine and I) will wait till next Tuesday. I'm winging it completely on food right now, trying to scrape together reasonable amounts of veggies and stuff... fruit is out till I can hit the store after payday. On the upside, he sent me three checks this time, so March and April's checks are already here and I know they won't be late.
Money is definitely one of those things that will make me totally crawl into a shell and completely wear me out.
Happy - I think I may have finally let go of a lot. It's amazing how much stuff you can shove down and not think about for so long, but when my mom died and I moved down here and left my marriage, my kids, my job, my car, and nearly everything I owned behind... that was pretty much what snapped me completely. I broke down, but when I started picking myself back up, I started "remembering" things, if you will. It has not been a smooth nor easy path, but for whatever reason.. maybe my father's alzheimer's brought on something inside of me. Anyway, it just finally ocurred to me that I was punishing every man I'd ever known, including Richard, for what had happened to me as a kid. Not only that, but I'd been punishing myself. For years. I cried for the child, I really did. And I realized it just wasn't worth it. It was gone. The people who did what they did were... either dead, or different, or whatever. They had no power over me anymore. What happened was over, gone, done... Why be so ferociously angry over something that happened 30+ years ago, and I can't change. I can only change me, my perspective. And I have so, so much to be happy about. You know.. when I told Richard all this, I cried, and he couldn't understand why. And I said because, I've never felt this way before. He said, felt what... being happy!? And I said yes.. being *happy*.
I'm sorry.. I didn't mean to ramble on. It's a huge relief to be able to talk about this stuff, and not get that angry, resentful, vengeful feeling inside of me. There are times I still feel sad. But it's honest sadness for lost time, not anger, not bitterness. I can say that I'll be alright, and I have so much to look forward to. And .. no worries about the name. You should see some of the things I get called!! How did you do on the Lifecycle?? Did you kick butt!? Or did you have to whack yourself in the head.
Hippy - When I started the treadmill, I couldn't run for .. even one minute at a time without feeling like I was going to die. I'm very fortunate that my knees and ankles are fine, even at my weight. Now I feel like that 5K is really a possibility, not just a dream. Getting the overeating under control is great. And I can really relate to the water. I do pretty well, but you're right, it's nothing like in the summer where it seems so easy to drink it all the time.
I need to go get dinner going... hope your evening goes well!
My quickie morning post and exercise report. Ever the cardio addict that I am... I did treadmill again. Today was all interval. One minute run, one minute walk (at about 4 mph). Did really well. Posterior shin on the right side acting up a little now.. might have to do weights tomorrow to give it a rest. Slowly but surely my legs are stretching and strengthening, I just need to be patient with them. Food OP, water OP, still the scale is stuck. *sigh* I knew this would happen, I just need to keep doing what I'm doing. My size 14 jeans are actually fairly comfortable except for the little roll that hangs over the top. I HATE that, so I won't wear them till it's gone. Of course, that means my 16s are hanging all over me and looking like clown pants.
Don't have alot of time so overlook the typing errors!
I have not shared alot of personal things with you guys but I am in a panic right now and need to get this off my chest. I cried all day yesterday when I found I have to go have a mammogram today. I went to the doc last year because my right breast had gotten larger than my left. He checked me out and said there was nothing wrong and it isn't unusual for one breast to get larger. I had such overwhelming relief. Last friday my breast leaked fluid so I called the doc and they told me I need to have this test. I am freaking out thinking they missed something and now it has been there so long they won't be able to help me if it's cancer. I look at Jordan and my heatr breaks. I will have rsults of the test Thursday or Friday. Right now I'm highly stressed, scared to death and constantlt choking back tears. I'm sorry for dumping on you this morning but I felt the need to try to gain some composure before I go for this test. Everyone says it's probably nothing and it might not be but the thought that it might be is getting the best of me. Now I just wonder why they didn't do this months ago when I went in the first time.
Gotta go get ready. Thanks for listening. Talk to you all later
Hippy - *warm hug* I can't imagine how frightening that would be, but try, try to breathe, try to relax. Getting all freaked and stressed isn't going to change anything at all, one way or the other. The two symptoms are possibly not related to each other, or they might be, but may be a benign tumor or papilloma or some such, or any other number of things going on with you. This could be completely hormonal, even. Just don't go imagining the worst yet, ok? Hang in there, get the test taken care of, get the results, and you'll know what you're up against. And whatever the results are, hon.. remember, we're here for you. Ok? Don't feel like you can't share stuff with us if you need to vent or rant or cry or be relieved or whatever. *another warm hug*
I meant to comment the other day on smoking. If you find a way clue me in. I have tried to stop about a thousand times. Patches, gum, cold turkey. I actually did better going cold turkey. I sucked on sugar free cinnamon candy and didn't smoke for 7 days. I felt so much better in just that little bit of time but let me tell you, I ruined it myself. I would actually catch myself talking myself into wanting to smoke. I would get myself all worked up and think I would just have one and the next thing I knew I was right back where I started. I just don't have good self control when it comes to doing anything, losing weight, not smoking....... What's your story? Has anything worked best for you when you tried to stop? Do you sabatoge yourself also?
I'm hoping I can get tickets to the circus next weekend. I don't get paid till Thursday, so we'll see if there are any tickets left by then. We've never been to a real, honest too goodness Ringling Brothers show, so I think it would be fun.
Thank you.
It gives me the confidence to keep going and to believe in myself. Anyway... sorry if that was TMI. 
OTOH, I know that being too busy can really screw up a plan if you don't make planning a priority. 
You know.. I finally realized I wasn't a short order cook. It's so hard when you have smaller kids... but now my kids are old enough to get their own food if they aren't going to eat when I do. And I know what they're eating is usually pretty healthy, because I refuse to keep junk in the house anymore. That has been a huge help to me.. I treat Richard the same way, most of the time. Once in a while I'll feel all domestic and cook him a special dinner - like last night he really wanted stir fry, and that just didn't sound good to me. I wanted a hot dog. 
So I made him stirfry and the kids and I had hot dogs and everyone was happy. That's a rarity, though. I eat OP, and if the kids or Richard don't like what I'm fixing, they can make whatever they want. 
I think it would be therapeudic to sit in a circle and have people one by one remind us of the good qualities they see in us. Often we lose ourselves and can't see behind those dark cloudy thoughts. 
