No, your eyes do not deceive you - it's Punkin, on a Sunday. I have my computer hooked up at home now (did you all hear a *finally* in that??).
Sorry about the sudden AWOL and that this is going to be a me-me-me post.
I can confess to you guys, since only my friends know, Wednesday I had an honest to God mini-breakdown. I ended up at the Dr.'s and everything. Well, Social Worker, head-shrink, whatever.... Apparently, from what I've been told, I've been under some stress lately (oooh, heavy sarcasm) and Wednesday morning I fell in my bathroom, hurt my kitty (she's fine) and the resulting feelings started the tears and they didn't stop for almost 12 hours. Yes, TWELVE HOURS. I couldn't leave my house, I couldn't work, I couldn't speak. I ceased to be able to function. So, I called the only person I could think to, my mom's cancer case manager (because of some hurtful things my mom said when I did finally show up 30 minutes late and attempted to do some work Wednesday morning) and she said it was "imperative" that I go see someone RIGHT THEN.
So I did and she informed me that I really needed about 3 weeks off, but since right now that wasn't do-able she said I was *at least* not going to work for the rest of the week and if my "boss" (aka mom) didn't like it, SHE was going to call her and tell her that unless I took the time off, she could expect me to be physically harmed by the stress I'm under - that simply not being able to stop crying was going to be the *least* of our worries. Of course, now my mom is walking on eggshells around me and needless to say, did give me the time off. She also suggested Dr. Phil's book "Self Matters" and so far it's *excellent*.
Now, the real work starts though. Because I've been taken advantage of. I've been running our business BY MYSELF for 3 years while my mom has always come and go as she pleased. I told her over a year ago that I needed help and she promised it, but never gave it, then with this year's cancer diagnosis, it's been even more put on me to run things. Not that she's not entitled to time off, but now that we're through 99% of it, she's already planning on being out of the office on all kinds of personal play-date kind of errands. *I am still* having to schedule my time off around her plans (note: I'm NOT talking treatments, I mean around her vacation, horse riding, personal plans) and I haven't, with the exception now of this week, taken a "sick day" in 3 YEARS. I've put my health and happiness behind hers, the company's and everyone else and now *I'm* the one paying for it.
So I'm going to be visiting the Social Worker for awhile. Figuring out why I don't feel important enough to myself to be putting my wants and needs out there. Perhaps uncover some of my eating issues along the way - isn't it all a form of "stuffing down"? Our emotions? Our needs? When your own mother tells you you have to work regardless of your migraine because she's got plans to go horseback riding it's an amazingly stinging slap in the face. How blatantly can one tell you that you, your pain, is not that important? Any WHY have I thought it's OK to not say a damned word about being treated like this?!?!?!?
Anyway, I've blathered on enough... I'll be back at work, I think, tomorrow. I won't kid myself and say I feel "better" because I feel like I'm on a high-wire - one wrong move and I'm falling again. They say cancer has a way of being a "gift" but that a lot of people don't see the gift until they're through it. I think that's what's happened here. I've needed for YEARS to deal with this issue and it took the stress of my mom's cancer, my girlfriend's close call, my best friend's son dying and the possibility of loosing my job in the near future to finally trip me up - I'd been dancing fast and juggling everything just fine and saying I was "handling it" when I was kidding myself, cheating myself and lying to everyone I love. In reality I was just getting in further and further over my head and didn't have the words, or the WORTH, to ask for help.
Time for a Terri tune-up. Preventative Punkin maintenance. My emotions are all normal - but it's not normal to hold them in for as long as I have. Trust me, it makes them burst open at the worst time! I have a laundry list of what I want to change about me and I'm thankful that this has happened, no matter how painful it is right now.
I thought of you guys on Friday, thinking "they're probably wondering where I went" - well, now ya know, and I may still disappear from time to time, but I also know that, virtual or not, you're still amazing friends and a bigger "lifeline" than you'll probably ever know.
good for you, wildfire, for persevering with the school board! let's see, for the QOD, i would take the money without effort because having ms is pretty expensive, plus there are so many charities i want to give to. that was an interesting question for me, amarantha, because before i got sick, i would have said the weight---not that i wouldn't love to be zapped thin right now, because i certainly would! it is another beautiful day here-sunny, mild, and not humid---love it! i am sticking to my challenges of staying op, getting enough water, and exercising, at least as of this moment, anyway. well, i am thinking of all your royal highnesses on this lovely sun. afternoon. hope it is pleasant and relaxing for one and all. take care.
Oh, Punkin...wish I could reach through the computer and give you a big hug.
You're right, my first thought was, "Punkin posting on Sunday???". I'm so glad you were able to call someone when you broke down. All too often we feel we have to put on a happy face and keep going like nothing is wrong. Well, THAT is wrong. I hate to think how much worse this could have gotten before you admitted you've had enough. You've been such a rock for your mom with her cancer treatment, now it's her turn to look after you while you get it all together.
Is it possible for you to work half days for a few weeks?
Don't you go missing for too long on us, either! Come vent here if you need to. Doesn't need to be weight related....you know that!
Punkin!!!! I am so glad to hear what has been going on with thee and I think thou hast made some great strides in "getting real" from these past few days. I wish I lived closer to thee so that I could sit in for thee for a few days and give thee what I think thou needest most, some psi time (of course, since I couldn't run a business to save my life, you'd all go broke) ... I think thou needest to go on a walkabout, which is how a New Zealand lady I once knew described it ... you walk and walk and walk until you meet yourself!
You've always meant a great deal to us, Punkin, and I'm glad you are taking time to cry, time to heal and time to meet yourself!
Wsw!!!! Thanks for answering my QOD!!!! Looking at thy stats, I'd say thou made a wise choice, as methinks thou hast already been zapped onto the thin side. Thou beith doing wonderfully with the weight , wsw, and thou madest a wise choice by taking the money, IMO!!! Yowza!
Ok, guys, still working on the story from heck. Wearing it down, though! Later, gators!!!
The sound you just heard were my good intentions! I made more bad choices over this weekend than I could begin to count. Just too many opportunities for being naughty. But I also made some good ones. So while the situation is dire indeed, it could have been worse. So I'm reaching for a whole handful of No Guilt and Fresh Start cards. I'll reflect a while and come up with some substantial goals to get me back on track.
The wedding was just wonderful in so many ways. The HIGHLIGHT was the surprise (to the bride and groom and their parents as well) of a Mummers String Band. We were in the Philly area and maybe only Kaylets is familiar with the Mummers but I love them, had only watched on TV. Bride's favorite uncle had arranged it to "kick things up a notch" and boy did he.
Princesses were their usual darling selves. They were not included in the adults only reception so five of us did some tag team babysitting. All worked out so well.
Then, this morning before the group gathered for brunch w/b&g, our darling kidlets surprised dh and moi w/a gingerale toast (champagne not allowed to be served before 11:00), cake, flowers, gifts and gathering of the four of my sibs who were there and various other family members. As people said "Surprise", I could only stand dumbfounded and say "Surprise for what?'. Since things were so horribly amok around the time of our anniversary, the kids had decided to celebrate it today. Long stories, etc., etc. but suffice it to say tears were streaming down my cheeks. I think some of sibs were surprised to see them as I've often been their strong leader but not today.
Punkin - I am so sorry that you've had such a rough time. Believe me, I understand the effects of stress and have had several tearful times in recent weeks. Not 12 hours of crying but certainly more than I would have liked with the tears creeping up on me even when I didn't think I was feeling sorrowful or negative or anything to warrant the tears. I'd tell myself I'd go for help (to my internist) if I didn't do better, would do better for a while and think I was in ok territory for a few days and then it would come back. Have done fairly much better this week though.
Anyway, many huggos and I'm certain you'll get it all worked out. The stress relief is certainly to the good - you've certainly carried a lot and been through the last months.
Wildfire, almost makes you think you're in an absurdist comedy, doesn't it? DD has now missed a week or so of school and they want her to miss MONTHS? I'd say that would throw cold water on most teens' scholastic urges. Hang in and show them how a regal person fights for common sense.
Glad to hear from you, Wood Nymph and wsw as well. I'm with you, wsw, I'd take the money hopefully to use it well. I like to think this weight loss thing will be successful some day and through my own efforts rather than a magic wand.
Empress, I too ate a few things this weekend that I forgot I no longer liked. Strange how habits you think you've licked can resurface.
Eydie, what wonderful scale news! And more precious still after your stressful week! I'm getting excited about your goal quest again (which then helps my own) and congrats on you very successful recent loss.
Zadie, how'd you celebrate? Wildly? Relaxing by the fire? You got it, babe!
Kaylets, good luck on the new job tomorrow. Hast thou been on a yard sale binge this lovely weekend?
Cerise, Frogger, howdy.
Have been basking today in the glow of some great Indian Summer weather and the glow of the good wedding and weekend. Then I see it's only 7 weeks to the winter solstice. And I say "no, nay, never". But my royal ones wouldn't lead me astray.
So I'd like to say I'll be in onederland by then but I too have manatee characteristics. I'd like to say this weekend of overeating will confuse my metabolism. But, alas, I'm afraid only really hard work is going to get me to lose some poundage and tighten up some flesh.
So it's back to drinking water (been not keeping track lately), back to the pool (have been having some good workouts), walking (some good ones there too) and MOSTLY getting real again about portion control. Often I'm eating "good" foods but just keep on eating it. Back to the new lifestyle, back to concentrating on the "overall" of being healthier. Back to the half pound a week challenge. Back to trying to get past the plateau. Back to aiming for that elusive 205.
So I'm saying 205 by the midpoint/Thanksgiving milepost with an aim of 202 by solstice. I will not be discouraged by the fact I have met so few goals (however reasonable) lately. I will keep at it, keep looking for NSV and emphasize a bit more the non-food rewards of a sensible lifestyle. I will forgive myself for my falls from the wagon and I'll keep patting me on the back for my good days, my good hours, my good minutes if it comes to that. I will be my good friend on this journey.
Phew. I think I'm done although I feel there's a lot more I want to say. But if you've stayed with me this long, thanks. And hope I've made some kind of sense. A little brain dead here too.
punkin, i wish i could be there in person to make you some tea, give you a hug and remind you just how much you deserve to take time for yourself for rest, emotional healing, and lots and lots of t.l.c! it sure sounds like you have been through the wringer these past days. i am glad that you have good help for your journey. being the queen of holding stuff in for a long time myself, i can certainly understand how your realizations might not exactly seem like much of a gift right now, though. hopefully, further on down the road at least, they will. we are all here for you too, so anytime you need to vent, kick, or scream, you know you always have a sympathetic ear here.
anagram, i'm glad to hear the wedding was so enjoyable and that your belated anniversary surprise today was so nice.
oh, and amarantha, thanks for your encouraging words. i appreciate it. when i think of how far i still have to go, it sometimes feels pretty daunting, so it is very nice to be reminded i've also come a long way too.
Not that I have a problem with Fort Wayne! Had dinner two nights running at the BEST restaurant!! And a generally great weekend! Dog didn't win, but that isn't all there is to life, right?
Wildfire...sorry that the schoolboard is giving you grief, but as an ex-teacher, I'm thinkin' it may have something to do with (a) the fact that the board is regulated by the provincial gov't and (b) the students have to have attended a certain number of class hours in order to qualify for credits...and I'll tell you with this semester system, it doesn't take too many missed "double" timed classes (compared to what I did in the days of King Arthur) to lose credits due to missed time. What about correspondence courses in the interim?
Oh Punkin. My heart just goes out to you You need to take it easy...I could not imagine working for my mother...it is stressful just spending a few days with her at the cottage...don't get me wrong, I love her to pieces, it's just that MOMs know how to push our buttons and get us to do stuff that NO ONE else could/would!!!!! That is often something I say...when judging how someone is trying to influence me..."even my mother would not try to....that!" Take it easy, and the half day thing sounds good to me....that way both of you could schedule your "not working" lives!!!
WSW glad you are doing well....your stats are awesome!
Anagram...sounds like the big event was a success.... and Eydie...I love that idea...the s'mores.... what fun!!!
QOD from Empress A...thin I think....money is not as important as being happy with myself....$ is external, happiness is an inside job.
Well I'm gonna sign off...what exciting news Zadie K...and what a memorable day to be sworn in...better than April Fool's though eh?
My husband thinks I'm nuts...as I was talking to the computer and laughing as I caught up on your posts....I've had a rough week...got some soul searchin' to do...and I've not slept well the past 2 night...due to being in a hotel with less than ideal sleeping conditions...none of which could be changed or controlled....I slept last night (or should I say passed out, with no alcoholic benefit...that is reserved for tonight) with a pillow over my head and woke up with the WORST hair...shaped just like a pyramid!!! to all...I've gotta go and acquaint myself with my pillow
Hi all sorry I have been missing in action again. Just don't seem to get much time to be on here lately. I joined the gym about a month ago and Im really enjoying it. I missed last week because I hit my head at work and I had to take a few days off work the doc wanted me off until Mon butI just bumped my head on a shelf but it was bad because of the head injury I had from the car accident last summer. Im ok now and went back to the gym this morning, I was amazed at how much I missed it. Im hoping that it will help me maintain my wt lose now that I have reached my goal and perhaps lose 10lbs more. Well I must go still have dishes to do. Oh by the way what is up with the large print or is that just on my computer it is huge.
Anagram, glad your weekend was a happy one. Weddings can be stressful, so I'm happy to hear you enjoyed yourself. What a sweet surprise they planned for you, too! Your "no,nay,never" has me singing now..."And it's no, nay, never. No, nay, never, no more will I play the wild rover. No never, no more!"
wsw, I just noticed your stats! You have come a long way, baby!
ceara, I understand how the school system works with the minimum hours of classroom time, etc. Some of Amanda's classes can't be transferred because the courses she has been in since September are not offered here in Ontario. What I am asking them to do is allow her to join the math and English classes that she was repeating this year. I'm told that the class curriculum is too different from that taught in Nova Scotia. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Point is, she has already spent a year in the Ontario math and English classes, but her mark was just below the passing grade. (by a couple of points) I want them to allow her back in the class for those classes that she has to repeat, since she has already done the Ontario curriculum. She is willing to attend extra classes (which are offered for students having problems). I'm ticked that this whole thing wasn't brought to our attention when I called the school before she came back to find out if it would be a problem to get her registered here part way through the semester. We weren't told anything was wrong until she went in to pick up her schedule on Wednesday, and she was to start class on Thursday. I can't now turn around and send her back to NS. Had we known beforehand, we might have made other arrangements for her to stay down east. What they all seem to be forgetting is that a 16 year old is missing out on her education, and that is wrong. To suggest to a teen that she "get a job", and from what I heard when I spoke to the VP it wasn't done very nicely, I think is out of line. I have been waiting 5 days now for the Superintendent to return a call to say they are at least looking into the situation. My mother taught for 23 years before she died, and I taught in NS, and never have I heard of a student being treated the way Amanda is. What happens to families who are transferred for work part way through a semester? Do their kids have to stay at home, too?
The guidance counsellor suggested correspondence courses to her when they saw each other at a football game last Friday. They may very well work for a student who has a stay-home parent. I just can't see her spending enough time on the courses when she is alone during the day while we work. Teens sleep until dragged out of bed, and there are too many distractions at home. It may end up being our only option, though.
See, I told you it gets me fired up.
Hope you sleep well tonight, ceara!
Dollar, good to have you back!
QOD: Show me the money! Although lately, that instant weight loss sounds pretty darned good....*sigh* But if I had money, I could quit my job, hire a chef and a personal trainer and just do it, finally!
Right on track, Wildfire. That's what was going through my mind as I typed that no, nay, never. I'm still playing that Arcona Reel Band tape in my car and Wild Rover is one of my favorites (though I have many) and goes through my mind often.
Since you're only asking that DD be allowed to take courses she's repeating anyway, it sure sounds reasonable. esp since they're basic courses. I know here you can graduate with less than the normal curricula as long as you have certain basics. Found out the hard way (as I do everything) as DS had health problems as a senior that necessitated our learning all that. At one point, I suggested he just take the GED (which he could have passed easily at that point). He adamently refused, said he wanted to finish with his class. It was one rough year, he ended up being permitted for a while to go in for the afternoon and fortunately that's when his needed classes were. Eventually got squared away. Turns out he had narcolepsy and some unusual variety of same as well. And new to school officials as well. He was, however, in a private high school so they had a bit more leeway except on basic issues. Didn't find them particularly helpful though. Well, dear guidance counsellor and principal were understanding but vice principal was a pain. And I sure can relate to your situation.
Delighted you shared your stats, wsw. It's so inspiring to see that someone else can do so much. But the road is long and hard, isn't it?
Hope you had a good night's sleep, Ceara. Nothing worse than a bad hotel room. That was another thing contributing to my good weekend - I had a great bed! Other than people in the next room who woke way too early and had friends who also though loud conversations in the hall before six a.m. were good etiquette, the hotel was great.
Realized how little energy I have at the moment for social skills. I had a great time and talked w/lots of people but didn't roam out of my comfortable circle as I usually like to do. All this nursing, rehab have left me very rusty.
But I'm up way early today, slept out apparently, feeling good, and organizing like mad. Hope it lasts. Supposed to be a lovely day for raking the tons of leaves in the yard and pulling out some impatiens that gave up their ghost over the weekend.
Hope that story from H.... is done, Empress, and that the smoke haze has subsided a bit.
Whew - timed out apparently and had to go through lots of gyrations to save this. I'll learn yet.
Punkin- (((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))) )
I do not know what else to say .... So I will give you another (((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))))) )))..........
And to think this whole time, I've been envious of how much time you get to spend with your mom....
**********
Yes, the "transfer" happens this morning.... Realized this weekend when staying awake was difficult that I've been more nervous about the move than I realized, admitted----
Some of it is just getting there-- that I know, the other part has also been "doing the correct things politically" ( in other words, ACTING).....so.....
DH just called, its very very foggy and he's warning me to allow lots of extra time so off I go....
Punkin, I'm so proud of you for taking care of yorself---I'm not just saying that as a trite phrase, I really do mean it. And I also wish that all of us could be there with you now, taking care of you. Know that we're right there with you in spirit.
Punkin, on a Sunday. I have my computer hooked up at home now (did you all hear a *finally* in that??).
Thanks for answering my QOD!!!! Looking at thy stats, I'd say thou made a wise choice, as methinks thou hast already been zapped onto the thin side. 
Thou beith doing wonderfully with the weight , wsw, and thou madest a wise choice by taking the money, IMO!!! Yowza!
Ahhh..Home sweet Home!!!
