It's been 1 year and 2 months since I last logged-in here. I was doing well and then hit a roadblock.
I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) as a result of childhood sexual abuse by my father and other men that he sold me to. I have an intense fear of receiving unwanted attention from men. I had lost about 30 lbs last year, and even though I still felt "unattractive" and safe at 237 lbs, I started to get noticed and it triggered me to a point where I had to stop losing weight. I have been working on my fears in the past year and I think I am ready to start again, but the fear is still there.
I have let go of a lot of stuff from my past and the weight- my armor against men- is one of the remaining challenges. My goal in transforming my body is to get rid of this constant reminder of the past. Every time I get dressed or see myself in a mirror, I am reminded of why I am carrying this weight. It has served me well over the years, but I am shifting my focus to the future. Still, it's scary.
I am not writing to seek sympathy or pity. I am just wondering if there is anyone else out there who has dealt with fear of losing weight related to fear of male attention. And, if so, are there any tips or strategies you can share?
I am starting today. I have told myself that it is safe for me to get fit, that I am ready. I know I can do it- I have the knowledge, skills, etc. But the fear is there, which is why I made the leap in posting this.
Mini goal 1: -5% SW: 271 (reached Sept.1/14)
/ Mini goal 2: - 10% SW: 256.5 (reached Nov. 4/14 & Jan.24/15)
Mini goal 3: 237 (reached?)
/ Mini goal 4: 210- halfway there!
Mini goal 5: 199 Onederland / Mini goal 6: 191- no longer obese
Mini goal 7: 172.5- 75% there!!!/ Mini goal 8: 165 (lowest weight ever as an adult)
Mini goal 9: 159- normal BMI/ BIG GOAL: 155