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Old 05-04-2012, 11:44 AM   #1
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Default Weight and dating

Hi everyone. I saw a thread earlier on intimacy and weight (mostly by married women or women with long term boyfriends), and i was just wondering if there are any single women out here whose weight has affecting your dating life?

My self confidence and self esteem have sadly taken such a hit with my major weight gain in the last few years - so much so that I avoid social events like the plague. I don't want to see anybody I haven't seen in a while, because very often people often remark on how much weight I have gained and I die a little whenever I hear a comment like that.

When I'm out with my friends (girlfriends), I'm always the 'fat one' or so I feel - when we're out dancing, I notice that a lot of guys go up to my friends to dance with them, or talk to them but I pretty much never get hit on when I'm out - ever. The only guys who come up to me, I've noticed, are super wasted or just super sleazy, which really upsets me. Guys don't ever approach me the way I notice they do other girls (including many of my friends).

I'm not sure if I'm just giving off a 'vibe' because I'm so insecure about my weight, or whether it actually IS my weight, or maybe even a combination of both. I'm in my early 20s and never had a boyfriend .. I wasn't always this weight and size, I was slimmer a few years ago and got a good amount of male attention back then, so I just feel horrid now that I don't. I KNOW, I sound terrible crying about not getting attention from guys .. its not just about the attention although I'm making it seem that way..I feel like I just don't know how to interact with men anymore, how to flirt, how to just be myself...I try to be extra funny and witty to somehow make up for my discomfort, but I think it comes across as I'm trying too hard.

And its not just guys - I get really insecure and unsure of myself around MOST people these days, and a lot of it has to do with the way I feel about my body. I guess I could just lose the weight and then see if I feel different - I'm sure I will to some extent?

I apologize for this long, somewhat rambling post - but if there's anyone out here who has thoughts on anything I said, or has had similar experiences I'd love to hear from you.

Thanks

Last edited by Zazaa : 05-04-2012 at 11:56 AM.
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Old 05-08-2012, 03:26 AM   #2
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Old 05-08-2012, 04:12 AM   #3
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Originally Posted by Zazaa View Post
very often people often remark on how much weight I have gained and I die a little whenever I hear a comment like that.
I think it's so inappropriate when people comment on other's weight gain.

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And its not just guys - I get really insecure and unsure of myself around MOST people these days, and a lot of it has to do with the way I feel about my body. I guess I could just lose the weight and then see if I feel different - I'm sure I will to some extent?
Me too, I'm really insecure about my body, and mostly around women, not guys. In my college women are mostly thin and/or fit, and there's a lot of judgment going on (Edit: I'm not trying to imply they are judgmental for being thin, I didn't do that when I was thin, but a lot of people there make mean comments when fat or chubby people walk by, not caring whether the targets will hear and feel hurt about the comments). I once saw a classmate posting onto the internet mean things about mine and another colleague's weight, using derogatory terms to refer to us. The college delt with this student, but still, I was very hurt.

When I was at my fattest I actually didn't spend a long time single. He'd compliment a lot on how beautiful I was, how he loved all of me. I was actually the one who didn't love myself, and still don't, though I'm working on changing that. I'm 157 lbs and still feel as if I were 212 lbs. So it's not my weight, it's my mindset, and if that doesn't change, I'll probably feel the same way when I'm at my goal weight.

Because of how unhappy I was with myself, I ended the relationship just over a month ago, and regret it so much... I'm now working on loving myself as I am, not "when I am 120 lbs".

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Old 05-08-2012, 04:48 AM   #4
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We still tend to think that guys usually make the first move, but that's generally not true (and probably never has been). Most of the time, it's actually the woman.

A few years ago, I was watching a show on television about dating, and the show featured research that concluded that men rarely approach a woman who hasn't made eye-contact and smiled directly at the guy first. That is unless the woman flirted, most guys wouldn't randomly approach her.

It made me wonder if that explained my own dating history, and thinking back it probably did. I wasn't as flirty as many of my thinner friends, but I was more flirty than some others, and it does seem that that less flirty girls (even if they were gorgeous) did date less than me. My beautiful younger sister is a perfect example. She's painfully shy, and most of her dates and long-term boyfriends have been blind dates set up by friends.

I've always had trouble with the "random flirt" so the guys I've dated have tended to be guys that I knew long enough to feel comfortable flirting with, or guys I met on blind dates (either set up by friends, or responses to personal ads). Whenever a friend wanted to set me up, I'd make darned sure that the guy knew I was overweight - and knew how much I was overweight (I would rather a guy decide not to date me for my size than to be unpleasantly surprised when he saw me).

I ended up meeting my husband from a personal ad I placed in the local newspaper and its website. Ironically, I couldn't get a good "feel" for whether or not he was attracted to me (because he'd said on several occasions that if we weren't attracted to one another, we could maybe become good friends). Finally after about 3 weeks (of daily contact either in person or on the phone), I finally asked, "so are we dating or what?"

And you know the damned fool wouldn't give me a straight answer, because he was afraid I wasn't interested in him. Instead, he said he'd been getting mixed signals from me, and ended up not admitting his feelings until AFTER I revealed mine. When I told him that I was attracted to him, and did want to date him, he sighed a big relieved sigh and smiled really big and finally admitted to wanting to date me too.

In many ways, I think men are MORE afraid of rejection than women are. Often they won't admit or act on their own interest until they have proof or at least a good indication that a woman is going to respond positively.

It's hard to make that first move, even if it is just eye contact and a smile, when you fear rejection too (which is why I liked online dating - I could put all my statistics out there, and a photo - and only the guys who liked what they saw would respond - though making it clear that I was intending to lose weight was important, because otherwise my ads tended to attract the "chubby chasers" who are only interested in dating fat gals.
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Old 05-08-2012, 10:13 AM   #5
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kaplods- Everytime I read a response from you, I smile and think "Damn she knows what shes talking about." Always comforting

Up until I was 22, I pretty unhappy with my body. I had never had a boyfriend, and I do blame my lack of acceptance of myself on that. I had always had plenty of friends and would go out with them, but I was never the one that got approached, or had drinks bought for them. Right before I turned 23 something changed. I became comfortable with myself, realizing weight wasen't that big of a deal, and how much time I actually wasted worrying about what other people would say about my body. I pretty much threw my hands up and said I don't give a sh*t

I became more confident and started flirting and in return, I got more male attention. I had my first kiss and boyfriend shortly after.

I just think you need to focus on being you, and not specifically about who your body type will attract. What helped me was not to see it as flirting and putting myself out there, but an attempt to just have some fun. No pressure.

Just be happy with yourself. Everything else falls into place
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Old 05-08-2012, 10:19 AM   #6
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I believe it is a matter of mind-set and confidence. I've struggled with my weight my whole life, have always been on the heavier side, and have always had boyfriends, because, I believe, somehow, I was able to maintain my confidence. I'm not the best-looking girl in the room, that's for sure, but I've always been a risk-taker when it came to guys, and it always paid off. From a young age I believed I was a special person, even if I wasn't special looking. That's how I met my husband, nine years ago tomorrow--just went up to him, started talking, gave him my number, trusted that he would call. He is a really shy person, he never would have made the first move in a million years! Sometimes you have to MAKE things happen, put yourself out there, take a chance even if it's scary.
Unfortunately, in the past five years as my weight has increased, my confidence has been SHOT. I know exactly what you mean when you say you avoid social events and people you haven't seen in a while--I'm just too embarrassed now by how I look. I don't know how I used to be so confident, it's like I lost the ability somewhere along the line. I remember how it felt to be that way, but I can't re-create it now. With the advent of Facebook it's been hard, because I've gotten in touch with friends I haven't seen in 20 years, and now I don't want to meet up with them because I know they'll notice how fat I've gotten (I'm about 50 pounds overweight instead of my usual ten to fifteen). It's really sad--I miss that young, confident, ballsy girl I used to be. Now I have a hard time speaking up at staff meetings, asking for what I need at work, and generally feel unworthy of love and attention from people close to me. It's a shame that in order to regain some of my confidence I'll have to lose weight--why don't I believe in myself as a special person anymore?
I guess I'm a poor example for you as I am now as you ask for support and advice--I guess all I can say is look at the Younger Me as an example--still overweight but I learned to focus on my assets and as a result was an attractive PERSON. Besides--any guy worth having is NOT GOING TO CARE about your weight anyway, so don't waste your time on any that do care.
I have a feeling I've totally not been helpful, sorry. But best of luck to you.
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Old 05-13-2012, 03:55 PM   #7
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OMG ZaZaa, I have a huge anxiety issue about weight and dating. Most people on this forum will not understand because they are not in our age group. Most woman are married. So they don't understand what it feels like to be single, 20 something, and in our currently obsessed thin society, because it wasn't this obsessed when they themselves were 20.

I have a thread on not being the fat friend anymore and it is full of comments like "oh it's your self esteem, oh it's not your time yet" and in real life when I talk to people about why I am single they are like "your just too pretty/smart for them, their loss, you just haven't met the right guy yet" blah blah blah

So I started to read up on flirting/dating stuff and observe my skinny friends and let me tell you, they do NOTHING to warrant the attention they get. The fact that they are skinny is ENOUGH for men to find them attractive to approach them.

Don't let anyone sell you on it is something about your demoner, just lose the weight and watch this problem vanish.

P.S, I was in a bar the other day and there were 2 women to my left and 2 women to my right. I watched a group of men walk up to the ones on my left, then after a few mins SKIP ME and they all went to go talk to the ones on my right. Tell me this is based on my personality.
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Old 05-14-2012, 01:20 AM   #8
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I just don't want to date, I want to say till I'm more comfortable with my body, and hopefully one day I'll be at a weight where I'm happy with my body ( but the day never seems to come, so I dunno, you know? I'm worried I still won't be happy even if I hit my goal weight).

but like you I feel only sleazy guys look at me, and any decent guys won't see me as long term relationship material. And I don't really expect anyone to love me if I don't love myself...
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Old 05-14-2012, 01:41 AM   #9
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i am in my early 20's and i know what its like to date in in our beauty obsessed society. i really dont think it has as much to do with weight as we think. sure, there are sleazy guys out there that hit on us, but there are good guys too. i never really had much trouble in the dating scene, and i even turned down quite a few attractive guys in my day (at 250 - 275 pounds).

i really do believe that much of it has to do with confidence. men can sense when you are comfortable with yourself and they are attracted to it. and often if you are insecure you may be reading signals wrong from the more 'attractive' guys. if you dont think the good looking guys are going to flirt with you, you wont pick up the signal when they do, or you may not give them an opening at all.

while im sure weight has something to do with the lack of male attention sometimes, 168 pounds isnt exactly gigantic, so im sure not as many guys as you think are focused on it.

i dont really have a solution to your problem, but i can relate. i do think that losing the weight will help your love life, but mainly because it will boost your confidence.

p.s. you arent exactly missing out on the jerks that are hitting on girls based solely on their bodys
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Old 05-14-2012, 08:02 AM   #10
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Moved to support... I think you'll get more responses here
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Old 05-14-2012, 08:17 AM   #11
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First, hugs to the OP, and yea I have had similiar experiences, although mine were much longer ago as I am quite a bit older than you.

Wanted to just interject that I relate to lack of self-esteem and self-confidence long before I gained weight, which was not until later in life. I think I gained weight partially because of that lack of self-confidence, but it was not related to dating as I have always been more interested in work than anything else beyond physical fitness.

I did lose the weight (more than 100) and that did help my confidence and happiness in many ways but I still project uneasiness and lack of self-esteem to others and they still comment on my weight, oddly, even if it is now normal (by BMI standards). I also suffer from lack of confidence that anyone likes or loves me at all and that I will be able to do the things I want to in life (everyone worries about that, I guess), etc., etc.

So, I think for me, it is that the anxiety and lack of confidence came first and weight was just one of the symptoms and manifestations.

But no question, I'd rather keep it off, it does help, but it is not the problem for me.
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Old 05-15-2012, 03:17 PM   #12
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"I don't want to be a member of any club that would have me," is what I hear some of you saying. As in - anyone who might be interested in me is probably sleazy or no good. I mean, I'm sure SOME of them are sleazy and no good, but ALL of them????

I used to feel similar. I've also accepted less than what I deserve. I'm married now, but I don't want to be. I'm desperate to get out there and start dating again and I do want to be thinner. But skinny? Nope, not waiting for that. I do need to wait for a legal separation though :-(
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Old 05-15-2012, 03:52 PM   #13
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Most people on this forum will not understand because they are not in our age group. Most woman are married. So they don't understand what it feels like to be single, 20 something, and in our currently obsessed thin society, because it wasn't this obsessed when they themselves were 20.
<ahem, using my really nice voice so I don't come across as a raving lunatic> It's true that many here are married, but we had to date to meet these guys we married! In my case, it took me two tries to get it right so I was an overweight single mom, divorced, and FORTY!

Young or old, first time around the block or not, dating isn't easy. I agree with what kaplods said - I made the first move with my husband.

Go out with your girlfriends with the explicit purpose of practicing your flirting. Set a goal of approaching one guy and striking up a conversation. He doesn't need to buy you drinks, you don't need to take him home. Make eye contact, initiate some small talk, chat for a few minutes and turn your attention back to the girls. It will get easier and easier as time goes on.

I used to go out with the same girlfriend a lot. We'd find good live music a couple of times a month and dance all night. The dance floor is a great place to flirt because everyone goes back to their respective corners when the tempo of the music changes. I never dated anyone I met in a bar, but I sure had some great fun and danced off a few pounds along the way. I still look back really fondly on those years.
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Old 05-15-2012, 04:16 PM   #14
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Just my 2 cents...don't wait until you lose weight to live your life. Remember how you felt when you were slimmer and more confident. Observe your friends who confidently have fun. Lie to yourself and pretend you're already at goal.

Losing weight changes your body size, but you're still the same person. You'll probably still feel 170+ lbs when you are 130 lbs flat because it takes time for the mind to catch up.

I'd also recommend going out with girlfriends who aren't looking for guys. Being the wingwoman over and over again and watching dudes hit on your friends is lame and can do a number on anyone's self-esteem. Have a girls' night where you all practice saying "no thanks, I'm with my girlfriends" to dudes. Because when you're not looking for a dude and you're clearly having fun without 'em, they flock to you...
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Old 05-15-2012, 04:38 PM   #15
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It's all about confidence and showing your happy with who you are. You have to think to yourself, who would you pick if you were out, someone who looks like the want to have fun and enjoy themselves or someone who looks like the want to be left alone? and it doesn't matter what size that person is, the one who looks like they are more fun to be with is the one who attracts the attention.

Yes you will always have some people who judge others by appearance, but genuine people will be interested in all of you, inside and out.
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