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Old 03-28-2012, 07:41 PM   #1
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Do you ever feel like it's not worth it to lose weight? Sometimes I hate the attention (I already put up some posts about that) And it's even beyond the
"romantic" attention but in general, society's treatment of thinner vs fatter people (and maybe it's stronger for women, I'm not sure, maybe it's not so bad for men)

but I feel like I am reaching some kind of "tipping point" (has anyone read that book?) with my weight loss where suddenly EVERYONE is treating me differently. I get more respect, people make more eye contact, people talk to me more... Shop clerks are more likely to talk to me...

I just don't want men to see me being "prettier" or something and take advantage of that. I want to be able to go out and walk around looking sexy and nice and feel confident.

And I want to be able to deal with the way people treat slimmer people differently.

But most of all I want to learn how to build boundaries against male attention without having to gain weight!!! I don't want to have to have a "wall of fat" to keep men I don't like from paying attention to me!!!

I want to be able to use my words. (or I guess if need be my fists or kicks but hopefully not!!!)

anyways I want to have a healthy body and be proud and feel safe in it, and not feel like I have to disguise it with fat so that I feel safe from men's attention.

I always felt like the usa was so progressive and forward and we had great womens rights etc etc but now that I am slimmer I am starting to feel like men don't always treat women that great. I don't know, maybe I am obsessing over nothing...

hmm.

i guess i just hope I can maintain my weight loss and "adjust" to these new situations and built mental pathways for how to respond. healthy emotional responses.
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Old 03-28-2012, 08:19 PM   #2
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I am not sure what you complain about. I lost ~25 lb and I really don't see any difference.
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Old 03-28-2012, 09:08 PM   #3
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I understand what you are saying about not being treated well when you were heavier and that was really wrong - people can be cruel.

I do think you need to keep it in perspective. Most people were probably very nice to you regardless, but we tend to remember the negative, because it is so painful at the time. Make sure you don't project what some did to you onto everyone else in the world.

Take the shop clerks for instance - if you are now projecting a more positive self image and you look like you are enjoying looking at clothes and may buy something, you're going to get more positive attention from someone whose job it is to sell you something and make you happy.

Enjoy the fact that people are being nice to you and you are being treated the way you deserve. Life is too short to stay angry.

As far as getting male attention. I would be surprised if you need to fend anyone off physically. If your letter is any indication, you may be projecting enough negative energy already that would nip extra attention in the bud. Generally a polite smile and an "I'm not interested, thanks" is enough to fend off most guys. They are just people too - and are easily scared off.

Of course, you're correct that "men don't always treat women that great" but enough of them do, and those are the ones you want in your life -who cares about the rest of them.

It makes me sad to think you need to "build boundaries against male attention." You may have some issues you need to work out with a professional or personal counselor.

While it's good to work things out mentally and emotionally, try to obsess less and enjoy more. You will find a path that will feel right for you. Look at all you have accomplished. Congratulations on that!
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Old 03-28-2012, 10:06 PM   #4
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It sounds like you think men will be grabbing you and pouncing on you just because you are skinner. That doesn't happen. Unless you are in a dance club, men never just randomly put their arm around women or something uncomfortable like that.

Chances are people are smiling and you more and looking at you more because you have more confidence. When you give off a confident attitude, people tend to respond a lot better as opposed to one that is very negative.

As I said before, you can still go around "looking sexy and feeling confident" without ANY issues. Someone might whistle from their car, but that's about it. So yes, I would have to say you ARE obsessing over nothing and making it was worse in your head then it truly is. Men walk all over those with low-self esteem (women do the same to men), but if you are confident no matter what size you are, you will always be treated better.

So what it a man looks at you? He's not going to come up and say anything sexual (that might happen once or twice throughout a five year span, men in everyday life are not some horny uncontrollable creatures). Just smile back and move on. He might even just be smiling to be friendly.
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Old 03-28-2012, 11:13 PM   #5
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How much is you? I smile more because I am happier and healthier. I find people reciprocate. With my slightly increased confidence I am sure I exude a slightly more welcoming demeanor. My physical presence is also less intimidating so people are more inclined to approach me. I say this because I am the epitome of introvert and have tried for years to get over accompanying shyness. In find thatni am more willing to engage others as are they willing to engage me.
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Old 03-30-2012, 11:26 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Candeka View Post
It sounds like you think men will be grabbing you and pouncing on you just because you are skinner. That doesn't happen. Unless you are in a dance club, men never just randomly put their arm around women or something uncomfortable like that.

Chances are people are smiling and you more and looking at you more because you have more confidence. When you give off a confident attitude, people tend to respond a lot better as opposed to one that is very negative.

As I said before, you can still go around "looking sexy and feeling confident" without ANY issues. Someone might whistle from their car, but that's about it. So yes, I would have to say you ARE obsessing over nothing and making it was worse in your head then it truly is. Men walk all over those with low-self esteem (women do the same to men), but if you are confident no matter what size you are, you will always be treated better.

So what it a man looks at you? He's not going to come up and say anything sexual (that might happen once or twice throughout a five year span, men in everyday life are not some horny uncontrollable creatures). Just smile back and move on. He might even just be smiling to be friendly.
I second all of the above.

OP: I think you're just struggling to adjust to your new body and sense of confidence. You'll get the hang of it eventually, but for now just use your common-sense. Don't project a meek and mild attitude because yeah, some guys probably will try to take advantage. Be confident and assertive yet polite. You'll be just fine.

I do think, though, that there is an element of truth in what you said: People do tend to treat fat people differently and probably always will, there's no skirting around the issue, but try not to worry about what you can't control.
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Old 03-30-2012, 11:30 AM   #7
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I second candeka and Amy23. Men don't just do things like that unless you're in a social situation (club/bar).

I agree 150% its about your confidence level and not your weight thats causing the change in how people act towards you.
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Old 04-03-2012, 02:01 PM   #8
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Maybe I just don't notice these things but for the most part people have looked me in the eye and been nice to me. On a few occasions I could say that salespeople ignored me but I didn't immediately think it was because I'm fat. I actually sometimes figure it's because I'm female and male salespeople seem to want to interact with other males.

When I was growing up my sister always noticed the boys looking at her. She was on the lookout for any kind of male attention while I was just busy living my life. She'd say, "That boy is looking at me!" and I'd look around and be like, "Huh? What boy? Where?" I just didn't see what she saw and I didn't look for it. It was partly because she has been obsessed with pleasing men and getting attention that I went the opposite way around. I didn't want their attention and beep it if I was going to have my life revolve around pleasing them.

In the end of course I have to learn to please ME instead of trying not to please others. Weird, isn't it?

Maybe you're noticing this attention more now but it's got to do with focus. What were you focusing on before and what are you focusing on now? Is there a big change there? Seriously, I saw how guys would fawn all over my sister while I was standing right next to her and she would eat it up and I'd be like, um, hello? Service please?
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