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Old 03-27-2012, 07:57 PM   #1
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Hi,

tried to post this once already and it didn't go through, hopefully 2nd time will work.

anyways I've lost some weight and am getting more attention than I like. are others dealing with this too? how do you handle it?

thanks,

mimd
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Old 03-27-2012, 08:20 PM   #2
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i went through that both times i lost weight before - and both times it was directly responsible for my decision to pack it all back on.

so, to put it bluntly, i didn't handle it well at all.

there's a whole set of social skills for skinny chicks that are completely different from those needed by fat chicks.

this time around, i just plan to hide in my basement a LOT and when i go outside, wear really baggy sloppy clothes bec i *so* do not need any more drama in my life.
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Old 03-27-2012, 08:30 PM   #3
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thanks for validating that

"a different social set needed for fat vs skinny women" I never really thought about it that way but i think it's true. as a fat woman you can be waaaaaaay friendlier to men than as a skinny, sexily dressed one.

dress up sexy and be skinny and be super friendly to a guy and bammo! you get offered phone numbers, and more physical contact than you are probably going to want.

I am having to learn "little white lies" which I never knew how to do before...

and as for the physical contact thing... "little white lies" for that too... I guess like

"i have a cold... please don't get too close"

I don't know what else...

I used to think if I lost weight all I would do was wear baggy clothes but I kind of think that it's motivating to wear nice pretty clothes that make me look good. but then the attention is a little de-motivating...



thanks for replying!

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Old 03-27-2012, 09:12 PM   #4
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hmmm i think attention is alot about attitude ... im not saying you should go around being nasty or anything but if you honestly do not like the attention my approach would be to be very casual unintreasted and short in your response ....

i personally have a boyfriend and i know when other guys try to talk to me i smile acknowledge the compliment and then turn my attention away from them and on to something else .... *most of the time it will deter them , if they seem persistant i bluntly let them know im occupied at the moment and do not wish to continue the conversation or i simply move . these tactics are very effective at evading attention NO man wants to talk to a girl who is blatently turning there attention down i PROMISE you ... they will look for another girl to talk to /give there attention to !

do not let this deter you from getting healthy !
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Old 03-27-2012, 10:05 PM   #5
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that's the problem, chunkey munkey: as a fat chick, i'm almost obligated to be "jolly", "warm-hearted", "nurturing" and all the rest of that crap.

you know - the "pleasant personality" - which i suck at.

also, as a fat chick (100lbs overweight, even), i get away with a helluva lot more than you skinny ones ever would - i seriously doubt you all could hit the street wearing your pajamas and tartan rubber boots with faux fur lining (they're $90 skechers but you wouldn't know it to look at them - i just have this decomposing effect on clothing, lol). when i do (on a distressingly regular basis - part of my "keep your distance" strategy), nobody even blinks - i'm very overweight and speak with a slight british accent so it's not surprising that i'm also eccentric.

when you're trim, however, there's this wierd concept that you're almost *obligated* to dress up - you can never leave the house without hair and makeup "just so". it was so stressful to be pulling my coat on and my bff says "omg, you're not going out like THAT are you!?" - i'm, like, "i'm going across the road for milk and eggs...." and she's all "but someone might SEE you!!! get in the bathroom, i've got my straightening iron on the go [it was ALWAYS ready to go, day or night]"

as a fat chick, you can put your full focus on some guy's face while having a truly enjoyable conversation and if he puts his arm around your waist (unlikely, btw), it's a quick laugh and a slither out of range.

as a skinny chick, first off, much less likely to have a good conversation because "everybody knows" that skinny chicks are dumber than fat chicks. i guess that's in the same category that "everybody knows" baguettes are less calories than italian bread.

as a fat chick, if i make direct eye contact and smile at someone, i'm just friendly.

as a skinny chick, if it's not the guy interpreting that as a come-on, it's his gf trying to trident my eyeballs out with her nails.

my oldest daughter, nik, was too skinny for most of her life. she was diagnosed with anorexia syndrome - she had all the symptoms of anorexia but is not body dysmorphic - she knows precisely what size she is; she was 22 when they figured out it was actually asperger's. she is absolutely spot perfect when it comes to social interaction - she can literally walk down the sidewalk wearing two postage stamps and a cork and men will *not* touch her bec, as one young man explained it, "you just know you're going to pull back a bloody stump". nik will, in fact, look like she's wearing the absolute cutting-edge latest fashion from paris no matter what she's got on. her bff, a fat chick who got skinny, tried to dress just like her - even to wearing the exact same cropped tee and miniskirt - and had guys tossing coins into her cleavage and dropping stuff in front of her to make her bend over so they could snap up-skirt shots with their cellphones.

that's just how it is - there are different rules depending on which caste of society you are perceived as belonging.
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Old 03-27-2012, 10:40 PM   #6
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All of these comments kind of scared me. I was going to start a thread about it but I don't think I will until it becomes an actual issue.

About five years ago I (accidentally) lost a lot of weight. I was about 40 pounds less than I am now, and even then, the attention I got from men went from being non-existent to kind of uncomfortable. If I went out I'd get lots of comments about my breasts (they're huge) and lots of rude guys hitting on me (when they weren't busy hitting on my much smaller sister) because I suppose they just thought a fat chick would be up for anything, even with a gross and unfortunate-looking guy.

Not true. I don't like attention at all. I'm reasonably attractive and so I guess I'm afraid that when I lose weight I won't know how to navigate the world as a "normal girl." I've been fat forever. I've never had to learn how. I grew up as a fat girl and I relate to people, especially men, accordingly. The lack of attention I get being so big is what I see as one of the 'pros' of being overweight. It's not that I'm not interested in finding a guy one day, I just don't want to be noticed and subjected to awkward social interactions. I hate it.

It's funny, but the bigger you are, the more invisible you seem to be. I suppose I'm used to that now.

OP: I don't know you at all, but I would say that if you're not naturally assertive then you really need to work on acquiring those skills. No one has the right to make you feel uncomfortable or to invade your personal space. There are subtle things you can do to deflect unwanted attention (invent a boyfriend or an excuse to hurry off) but if a guy's just not taking the hint, that's his problem, not yours. Remove yourself from the situation. No one has an automatic entitlement to your time, so just remember that. Don't insist on being 'nice' when a guy's invading your space and making you uncomfortable.
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Old 03-27-2012, 11:18 PM   #7
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yea... i have a good friend (a guy, but he has an awesome girlfriend) who suggested the "pretend boyfriend" idea... it definitely has it's merits. I have always been a terrible liar, a remnant from a childhood where I was absolutely not allowed to lie and with a mom who did not really understand about social lying (it's possible SHE might have aspergers, but if she does it is probably really mild)

anyways...

I just had an idea

you know how everything gets easier the more you do it? exercise gets easier, eating healthy gets easier, anything gets easier once it becomes a habit...

well (and this is something my therapist suggested too now that i recall...) maybe the attention is just hard right now because I am getting adjusted to it at first! and after I am used to it (maybe about a year from now? if I can maintain?)

I will have "dealt with" most of the awkward situations that might come up... ie, getting asked out by guys I'm not attracted to, having a guy grab my boobs, having someone ask for my number, being invited out on dates, being followed... whatever... all the creepy things guys do. anyways, once all that junk has happened, maybe i'll know how to deal with it, and i'll have a "procedure" in place already, and i won't be so stressed because I will already know how to react, i'll be expecting it, and I can prevent a bad situation from happening.

maybe situations that might have been stressful in the past (like being ignored!) aren't happening any more... so i have to learn new strategies (how to deal with attention) but once I've passed this stage... it'll be ok again.

hmmm.... food for thought.
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Old 03-27-2012, 11:20 PM   #8
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I avoid unwanted direct male attention...by always mentioning my hubby in a casual way. As far as indirect male attention....as in looks as I am standing in the check out line...or driving in a car....I could careless about...I more than likely will never see or speak to those people.
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Old 03-27-2012, 11:26 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by threenorns View Post
that's the problem, chunkey munkey: as a fat chick, i'm almost obligated to be "jolly", "warm-hearted", "nurturing" and all the rest of that crap.

you know - the "pleasant personality" - which i suck at.

also, as a fat chick (100lbs overweight, even), i get away with a helluva lot more than you skinny ones ever would - i seriously doubt you all could hit the street wearing your pajamas and tartan rubber boots with faux fur lining (they're $90 skechers but you wouldn't know it to look at them - i just have this decomposing effect on clothing, lol). when i do (on a distressingly regular basis - part of my "keep your distance" strategy), nobody even blinks - i'm very overweight and speak with a slight british accent so it's not surprising that i'm also eccentric.

when you're trim, however, there's this wierd concept that you're almost *obligated* to dress up - you can never leave the house without hair and makeup "just so". it was so stressful to be pulling my coat on and my bff says "omg, you're not going out like THAT are you!?" - i'm, like, "i'm going across the road for milk and eggs...." and she's all "but someone might SEE you!!! get in the bathroom, i've got my straightening iron on the go [it was ALWAYS ready to go, day or night]"

as a fat chick, you can put your full focus on some guy's face while having a truly enjoyable conversation and if he puts his arm around your waist (unlikely, btw), it's a quick laugh and a slither out of range.

as a skinny chick, first off, much less likely to have a good conversation because "everybody knows" that skinny chicks are dumber than fat chicks. i guess that's in the same category that "everybody knows" baguettes are less calories than italian bread.

as a fat chick, if i make direct eye contact and smile at someone, i'm just friendly.

as a skinny chick, if it's not the guy interpreting that as a come-on, it's his gf trying to trident my eyeballs out with her nails.

my oldest daughter, nik, was too skinny for most of her life. she was diagnosed with anorexia syndrome - she had all the symptoms of anorexia but is not body dysmorphic - she knows precisely what size she is; she was 22 when they figured out it was actually asperger's. she is absolutely spot perfect when it comes to social interaction - she can literally walk down the sidewalk wearing two postage stamps and a cork and men will *not* touch her bec, as one young man explained it, "you just know you're going to pull back a bloody stump". nik will, in fact, look like she's wearing the absolute cutting-edge latest fashion from paris no matter what she's got on. her bff, a fat chick who got skinny, tried to dress just like her - even to wearing the exact same cropped tee and miniskirt - and had guys tossing coins into her cleavage and dropping stuff in front of her to make her bend over so they could snap up-skirt shots with their cellphones.

that's just how it is - there are different rules depending on which caste of society you are perceived as belonging.

I wear make up maybe once every two months and my pj pants and running shoes are my bff. Hoodies? I have 17 of them that I wear regularly! I attend university and see pj and sweat pants worn by skinny women ALL the time. I don't think it has anything to do with your weight on what you are expected of, but more so the crowd you hang out with.

I think it all comes from your energy. I have a friend who is about 270ish pounds and not very attractive, but she gets the hottest guys ever because she has this amazing energy that you just HAVE to be around. My other friend who has has been a size 6 all her life and is a beautiful blonde will be left in the dust when it comes to getting attention if she is out with my 270 pound friend, simply because of the way we give off energy.
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Old 03-27-2012, 11:27 PM   #10
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I like your quote "you can feel sore tomorrow or you can feel sorry tomorrow, you choose" that's funny.

did you make that up?

yea I don't really care if somebody looks at me either, that doesn't bother me, it's actually kind of flattering. it bothers me more if somebody (that I don't like or know) starts talking to me...

and like I said I suck at lying

something that amy23 was saying about being assertive kind of struck a chord...

it's important to be able to say "no" and have it mean something. I need to work on that.
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Old 03-27-2012, 11:30 PM   #11
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I quite enjoy male attention so I can't comment on dealing with any potential emotional issues surrounding it, but I can tell you how to get them to leave you alone! As with any other interaction in life, communication is key. If someone is approaching you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, tell them. You could also wear a "wedding ring" since you aren't interested in the attention at all, you may find it keeps most men at bay. Those that still approach, a quick flash of the ring will send most of those packing. If it goes further than you having to say to someone "hey, I'm not interested but thanks anyway" there are bigger problems that may require some outside assistance.
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Old 03-27-2012, 11:31 PM   #12
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I agree with candeka... it might not be so much the 10 pound weight loss as it is the change in my confidence level that has come with it.

and there are definitely heavy women who men find hugely attractive. I know some women like that. and I also know women whose figures are (to quote a male friend) model-esque who are unable to find dates.

so it's definitely not just how you look.

here's another quote

"your attitude determines your altitude"


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Old 03-27-2012, 11:39 PM   #13
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If you don't want the attention a firm but polite "I'm not interested" is all you need. Then turn around and ignore the guy. If he's pushy, walk away. If he still persists, tell him he is making you feel threatened and if it continutes, you will call for help. It never usually gets that far though. In my experience once you say you're not interested, they back off.
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Old 03-27-2012, 11:46 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by threenorns View Post
that's the problem, chunkey munkey: as a fat chick, i'm almost obligated to be "jolly", "warm-hearted", "nurturing" and all the rest of that crap.

you know - the "pleasant personality" - which i suck at.

also, as a fat chick (100lbs overweight, even), i get away with a helluva lot more than you skinny ones ever would - i seriously doubt you all could hit the street wearing your pajamas and tartan rubber boots with faux fur lining (they're $90 skechers but you wouldn't know it to look at them - i just have this decomposing effect on clothing, lol). when i do (on a distressingly regular basis - part of my "keep your distance" strategy), nobody even blinks - i'm very overweight and speak with a slight british accent so it's not surprising that i'm also eccentric.

when you're trim, however, there's this wierd concept that you're almost *obligated* to dress up - you can never leave the house without hair and makeup "just so". it was so stressful to be pulling my coat on and my bff says "omg, you're not going out like THAT are you!?" - i'm, like, "i'm going across the road for milk and eggs...." and she's all "but someone might SEE you!!! get in the bathroom, i've got my straightening iron on the go [it was ALWAYS ready to go, day or night]"

as a fat chick, you can put your full focus on some guy's face while having a truly enjoyable conversation and if he puts his arm around your waist (unlikely, btw), it's a quick laugh and a slither out of range.

as a skinny chick, first off, much less likely to have a good conversation because "everybody knows" that skinny chicks are dumber than fat chicks. i guess that's in the same category that "everybody knows" baguettes are less calories than italian bread.

as a fat chick, if i make direct eye contact and smile at someone, i'm just friendly.

as a skinny chick, if it's not the guy interpreting that as a come-on, it's his gf trying to trident my eyeballs out with her nails.

my oldest daughter, nik, was too skinny for most of her life. she was diagnosed with anorexia syndrome - she had all the symptoms of anorexia but is not body dysmorphic - she knows precisely what size she is; she was 22 when they figured out it was actually asperger's. she is absolutely spot perfect when it comes to social interaction - she can literally walk down the sidewalk wearing two postage stamps and a cork and men will *not* touch her bec, as one young man explained it, "you just know you're going to pull back a bloody stump". nik will, in fact, look like she's wearing the absolute cutting-edge latest fashion from paris no matter what she's got on. her bff, a fat chick who got skinny, tried to dress just like her - even to wearing the exact same cropped tee and miniskirt - and had guys tossing coins into her cleavage and dropping stuff in front of her to make her bend over so they could snap up-skirt shots with their cellphones.

that's just how it is - there are different rules depending on which caste of society you are perceived as belonging.
Um...what?

When I was thin, I could prance around town in Uggs and yoga pants and nobody batted an eye. You don't have to dress up. I can wear a potato sack and no one bats an eye because I work it.

I've had plenty of great conversations with random guys (especially when I was thin because I had more confidence!) and I very rarely had someone touch me without my permission and if they did I could easily move away.

I smile at everyone because I'm a cheerful person. I've never had anyone take it as a come on and only a crazy chick would get pissed about it.

I don't understand the point you're trying to make...attractive people have to be *****es or they're going to get assaulted? Not so much. I have never dealt with the things you're saying thin people have to deal with. I am a perfectly pleasant individual and was very thin for a long time. Even now, I'm proportionate and still fairly attractive. Aside from the occasional person flirting with me, I deal with no unwanted attention. Even then I just flash my wedding ring and the flirters move on. It seems like you think without a harsh personality, pretty girl are asking for trouble and I'm a bit surprised at what you're suggesting.

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Old 03-27-2012, 11:52 PM   #15
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I actually found the quote on a health club wall...and I stole it
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