I'm feeling really icky and blue, and I don't have alot of people to talk to, so I figured I'd just pop on here.
I have a cold
I'm hooked up to a heart monitor for the next two weeks (I just started tonight and am trying to figure out how to sleep with this thing and not strangle myself,.. the wires are so short!) I haven't been on 3FC in probably a week (
) and I haven't exercised in 5 days.
My co-worker came in to work today showing of her engagement ring. My mom came home briefly this weekend to show me the wedding rings she found... and I just felt really sad. I mean, I'm supposed to be happy for these people. Happy that my mom has found a man that treats her like gold... albeit, I don't know the man very well and am only going by her word, and that the whole thing has been a whirlwind and sudden, but I'm supporting her and I am happy that she is happy. I should be happy and excited for my coworker that after seeing her boyfriend for 5 some odd years that he finally proposed. And while I offered my congrats, my heart broke inside.
My ex-husband just got married two weeks ago to one of his longtime friends. And while I know this woman, and know that she is not trying to replace me as a mom to my daughter, she has never tried to undermine me, has sided with me when I'm up against my daughter's father... She is a genuinely nice person, would never hurt my daughter, and we actually get a long very well (I just went to a baby shower she threw for my daughter's aunt recently, we worked together on putting the nursery furniture together, etc).
I was still saddened when he married her. Not because I want him. Not because I am still in love with him (although I will always love him. He's the father of my child!) but because it really brought up some of my inadequacies that I thought I had dealt with. Our marriage lasted three months before he took off. And he cheated on me, both at the end of our relationship.. and while I was pregnant with our daughter.
I didn't know this when it happened, but it always makes you feel like... what was wrong with you? What was so horrible about you that made this person not only cheat on you, but abandon you after three months of marriage? And while he goes out and buys a new car and a house and has a career (that you helped him get into)... I'm kinda stuck. With my mom. Child care is so expensive. And while I could probably move into a horrible neighborhood and live on my own. I'd rather not raise my child in North Philly. Thank-you-very-much.
And so while everyone at work is screaming and cheering and offering their congratulations.. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes... why?! That wasn't fair to her. And it's not really about her. I guess it's about me. fearing that I'll be alone forever? Some days I'm ok with it. Some days I'm not. No ones gonna find me anyway. Not like I go anywhere.
There are days that .. if I knew how horribly unfair and cruel life could be... I would have gone back to sleep indefinitely and cut short the misery.
Gah. This cold is not helping matters. Now I can't breathe out of either nostril.
Thanks for the cry. I feel a little better. Kinda.