So, I called my parents tonight as I do every week, just to chat and see how they've been. The conversation went on as it normally would, chatting about the weather or what the neighbor's been up to or that a black bear has been eating out of the bird feeder again. Standard small talk. I was discussing how well I've been doing on my lifestyle change and the weight I've lost, and even went so far (which I now see as a mistake) as to let them in on exactly what my goals are.
At first, they seem supportive... 'oh good for you, you can do it' 'we're proud you're making such a big change' and then trying to give me their own skewed advice on what I 'should' be doing to lose weight (which mind you, is almost the exact opposite of what I'm doing that has been WORKING).
Next, the conversation goes like this: Dad "Well, if you're anything like me, you'll be really into exercising for a year or so, then you'll get bored and quit and probably gain a bunch of weight back." then Mom chimes in "It's so great that you're doing this, but don't expect to ever have skinny arms or a skinny tummy- fat in those areas runs in the family...you'll have it forever."
ARE YOU *BLEEPING* SERIOUS? As I grow older, I realize how negative my parents really are... though the exterior facade may seem positive, there's always this underlying thread of negativity that runs through everything they say to me and everything they believe. They somehow subconsciously try to undermine my efforts, and it's seriously enough to make me want to go out and binge drink. I realize now that they've been this way my whole life. I'm not making excuses, because I've gotten myself into this whole fat mess on my own... but their attitudes definitely did not help the cause, especially when I was a teenager (when I gained the most of my weight.)
I've chosen to ignore their comments, but it's hard. I realize after thinking about it more that they're projecting their own insecurities and failures in getting healthy on me. They've both done extreme dieting, only to go back to their normal old lifestyle when they reached their goal... and then gaining all the weight back and more. I think their comments tonight reflected just that- Dad making excuses for himself because he wasn't motivated to change his life for good, and Mom using our family lineage as an excuse for being fat.
I CHOOSE TO IGNORE THEM. I needed to put this in writing so I can refer back to it when I need to, because I know this conversation is going to happen again with them many many times.
At least I have one family member who supports me entirely and honestly. My little sister posted this as her facebook status today:
I need to work out! My sister is starting to motivate me to not be so lazy and be healthier!! Keep working hard on your goals! I know you can do it. Love and miss you!!
This lifted me up so much, as I read it after I got off the phone with my parents. I wish we lived closer together.
Sorry for the long rant, but I needed to get this off of my chest so I can let it go and move on.
I love the candor of this. It's a real thing. I find myself psyching myself out on my own thinking about family history. but when i add in my "support group" it's not wonder I'm comfortable just doing a little, however i have to be responsible for me now...i realize this. But my goodness the unknowing enablers! My mom wants me to lose just enough to be what she considers healthy. She thinks my goals are little too extra. I mean after all. "They" say that my grandfather was a big man and it's just in my lineage. Nevermind she never met the man or saw a picture... My childhood best friend feels like it's kind of selling out. He thinks my fatness is just apart of me and it wouldn't be "right" if I wasn't at least a little fat. He thinks I just care too much about what people think if i'm "healthy" already... I am quite healthy...as far as medical conditions and mobility and it's probably nothing short of a miracle...i'm grateful,not dumb... Yeah the people that love you can be the ones to hurt you the most...however inadvertently it may be
Oh, man, squid, this is so hard, when people you love and who claim to support you, do this kind of undermining. You are absolutely doing the right thing by refusing to let them get you down or make you stop believing that YOU CAN do this, and you are making good choices for yourself!
We're here for venting and ranting when needed, so don't apologize. : )
TheRightWeigh: Thanks. I'm a very blunt person about everything all the time. Isn't it amazing how many people that are close to us try to drag us down with them? It's something that I just can't tolerate... the passive aggressive negativity makes me ill. I guess the moral of the story is to turn the naysayer's doom and gloom around and from it create positive motivation. More than anything now, though I am still getting healthy 110% for me, I want to prove them wrong. I've always been this way... if I'm told I have to do something, I tend to do the exact opposite. We know what we need to do, and even if people try to tell us otherwise or discourage us. Congratulation on your progress by the way, way to go!
guynna: Thank you for the kind words and positive encouragement dear! I've only been here a day, and already this community has proven itself to be a pillar of support. You're doing great, keep it up!
Oh wow, I am sorry! Sometimes people (even parents) don't know what they are saying and how their words can impact others. Don't let it upset you. Instead look at this in a positive light. You just said that you tend to do the opposite of what people say, and that will give you motivation and drive to succeed. Also, since they are reflecting their own insecurities on you, you should know this has nothing to do with you, it has everything to do with them and their diet/health issues. You can do this!
SQUID: THANKS....i've got a long way to go! However, yes...i turn everyone's doubt ....and even their maybe subconscious desire for me NOT to do it(for whatever reason)...into MOTIVATION. One day they will look at me and shake their heads in disbelief and maybe even be moved enough to do something about their own personal struggles!
Girl, I feel your pain. My mom, who is 5'1 and about 200lbs and a smoker, is constantly putting me down. I told her I wanted to train for a half marathon and all she said was "I can't understand why anyone would want to walk/run 13.1 miles..it's ridiculous." It's to the point where I don't see or talk to her much anymore. She will get a shock at Thanksgiving when I show up smaller than anyone in my family. I've always been the biggest female..not anymore =) Don't let 'em get ya down.
Maybe they think that they are helping by not letting you get your hopes up too high and be discouraged. I know it's warped. I come from a warped family myself. I just don't talk about my weight loss journey with them.
A couple years ago I got down to 155 from 197. I was all happy that I had lost all the weight. My parents had seen me last when I weighed 197 so I figured they be excited for me when they saw me at the lower weight.
Mom, quietly wispered "you still got the big b**t maybe you should wear a longer t-shirt for the reunion" When I was actually wearing clothes that fit and didn't make me look like a sausage.
Dad "Well, look at you. You still got those fat little legs. I remember when you was a baby and tried to stand up and your legs were so fat you couldn't. You still got those legs"
Needless to say it wasn't a happy family reunion that year. And I sort of spiraled up for about a year. then I got back under control and I'm trying to get back down again.
sarahhyu said: Maybe they think that they are helping by not letting you get your hopes up too high and be discouraged.
Yeah, this is my parents. They mean well, but it comes out twisted. When I'm hurt by messages, I've learned to take a good look at them, take what belongs to me (good or bad) and leave the rest there. Their insecurities, that's theirs. Their wanting to support me and love me, yeah, that I'll keep! That's why we get to choose our friends, to find people (or, I don't know, friends through the internet? ) that bring a more positive attitude!
yeah...like what do you do when everyone's "mean-well" is really a set up to keep you sick...or unhealthy or whatever...it's kind of a inward problem i think...you have to deal with it on your own. I mean who wants to hurt the feelings of someone who, in essence, really just wants to help...i don't know,but it's something i'm working with even now
Mommysince21505: Thanks for the encouragement! I know I can move past their comments, it's just hard when loved ones are... less than empathetic. TheRightWeigh: Definitely! I look forward to the day I go back to visit my family. I have a mini goal of being 40-45 lbs down by christmas eve when I'll see them next. justjill124: We're going to show our parents, and it's going to be epic. I'm definitely going to use my family as motivation of what NOT to do! sarahyu: I wouldn't be surprised if them trying to shield me is partially true. They were extremely overprotective as I was growing up. I had one of the most restrictive childhoods ever. You know exactly what I'm talking about though- parents don't realize how hurtful their comments really are. Don't listen to them, you're doing great and I bet you looked great, too! SeaWave: Good advice for sure. I'll be taking it! Leenie: Thanks! I'm still getting used to where everything is here.
Wow...that is certainly discouraging to say the least!!! Thank God you have your sister, though!!! Your sister and THIS place...those will be your encouragement.
I'm in that situation myself actually. Only I hear "that's good" from everyone. When I tell my husband how much weight I've already lost he just says "well that's good IF you keep doing it" Can I not get a "great job" or "wow that's a good start"? Just the all too familiar words "that's good" But I plan on losing a lot of weight and then when I hear of some of their accomplishments a small "that's good" should be appropriate right? lol Hope everyone is doing good today, might do some dance aerobics since it is a rainy day.
Negative loved ones
) that bring a more positive attitude!
