sorry this is so long...

I am so frustrated. I am self sabotaging yet again. Let me preface by giving you a little bit of information...

I am a skinny fat girl. You know the kind, you see them and think there is no way they need to lose any weight. The trick is when you only need to lose 10 lbs the right pair of jeans can hide it perfectly. And I know what you are saying 10 lbs is not a big deal right...but I can see it growing exponentially if I do not get a handle on it now. Can you tell that I am constantly trying to defend my motives...

I started worrying about my weight as I graduallly began to grow out of the clothes that I own and had to start buying bigger sizes. For me it has been a tale of 'if I am not trying to LOSE weight I will definitely gain'. So I started coming here and posting, put together a exercise schedule and have been trying to stick under a certain amount of calories per day.

I was doing fine. I would have my bad meals, but who doesn't I would just accept it and move on. But now I am having sets of bad days. Let me give an example of what happened last night...

I woke up and ate great up until dinner. Decided to go out to a movie and dinner with my husband. We went to Olive Garden and I ate breadsticks, soup, and my whole entire entree. I remember being full and satisfied after the soup but continuing to eat because I was 'cheating' and I knew I would have to go back to being good the next morning. Then at the movie even though I was overly full I ate popcorn, candy and a soda. I felt physically ill afterwards. I felt like the seams of my stomach were going to come undone. That is how full I felt. This same scenario played itself out this past Saturday and Sunday as well just replce the foods with something equally bad for me. Same sick feeling...

I feel like one of those dogs that cannot just have a bowl of food set out for them because they will eat till their sick. You know the ones that only get a certain amount per day and have to be regulated by their owners.

I cannot keep doing this to myself. I am beginning to see that the way I view food and weight loss is probably not healthy. I am just so frustrated because I pride myself on being very informed when it comes to nutrition, diet and exercise. I have a complete lack of self control...and a childs mentality when it comes to being off plan with my eating.

Any thoughts, suggestions?

I don't have a lot of suggestions but I wanted to let you know that I know exactly how you feel. For years I was a skinny fat girl. I had always been skinny and didn't have to watch what I ate but once I graduated from high school and stopped taking dance classes that all changed and I slowly started gaining weight. I'm tall so 170 lbs on me doesn't look fat but I'd outgrown all of my clothes. Then I got married and had a baby and ended up over 200 lbs because I just kept eating the way I always had, even through my pregnancy. Now instead of needing to lose 10 or 15 lbs I need to lose over 30

I think it's a great start that you posted what you did. You know where you're going wrong, now you just need to figure out how to stop yourself before you start cheating. The only real suggestion I have is to try to not put yourself in the situations where you know you'll be tempted to cheat. I know if I went to an Italian restaurant I couldn't stay away from the pasta so I just don't go to them. When you go to the movies cheat a little and take snacks with you. You could sneak in some peanuts or even some air popped popcorn and then just have a diet soda. I know for me I really have to plan ahead because if I don't then I end up eating whatever I want to and then of course I feel like since I cheated already it won't matter if I have just one more thing that isn't OP.

Stephie - I think recognizing what you are doing is a huge step to changing your behavior. I also think SBD is a great way to eat for a lifetime, not just a diet which is why I think a lot of us are here.
This is my second time doing SB (went off to have a baby) and towards the end of last time I was just about where you are now. I was to goal and found myself finding more and more excuses to go off plan. I also found my weight creeping up and up. I'm only a few months into it this time, so I can't tell what will happen in the future, but I really hope that I can be more true to this WOE.

As far as the mentality of "I already had X and X off plan, I might as well go ahead and have...." I think you need to change your thinking. Replace it with "well, I had X off plan, it was delicious but now I'm going to forgo these other things so I can keep eating healthy". It's hard to do but gets easier the more you do it. Example, a few weeks ago I went to this fabulous italian restaurant that makes homemade pasta. DH & I were out with friends that we hadn't seen in awhile and we had a sitter. Normally, I would eat whatever I wanted and then moan about it for a few days. Instead, I ordered a glass of red wine, had 2 bites of DH's bread (luckily, he doesn't mind sharing LOL), ate my salad, then when my entree (pasta & chicken) came out I only ate about 1/3 of it. That was all I needed to feel full and satisfied so I stopped there. I had a great meal, but still didn't do too badly and the scale was nice to me the next day.

I think planning, like Rachel mentioned, is also a huge part. If I don't have some sort of a meal plan then when I get home starving I am more likely to pick something unhealthy. It goes against my nature to plan things out and it's been a big challenge, but it's really helping to keep me focused.

Sorry I got so wordy - Good luck! I think you are on the right track to changing your behavior.

Ahhh, Stephie. I'm right there with you, girlie, especially when Olive Garden (or Pizza Hut, or Dairy Queen, or Taco Bell, or Outback, the list goes on) are concerned. We're to the point where DH and I can't go out on a date because it almost always includes dinner out, and I just can't do it. When I do, I go overboard. For example, we ordered pizza on Sunday right before the tornado. I had 4.5 slices of cheese pizza (pan crust) and had 2 cheese sticks. Was that REALLY necessary? No. But I knew that I was starting over Monday and had to get it out of my system while I still could. I do the exact same thing. And, I'll tell myself "OK, I'm starting over tomorrow" but then I'll do it the next day, and the next, and then it's like "OK, I'm starting over next week" and I hope it sticks, you know?

I am currently a skinny fat girl. Once upon a time I was a skinny girl. Then, like Rachel, I graduated high school, went to college, stopped playing volleyball, and decided to gain 42 lbs in 2 years. Now I've lost the majority of it, and to other people, I don't look big, but I still have a lot of work to do to make myself look like I did 8 years ago, so in my eyes, I'm still fat because I'm not where I want to be.

All I can say is that when you fall off the wagon, pick yourself up and put yourself back on. I was awful for all of last week, but did fine yesterday and so far, am doing well today. I guess for me, it's one day at a time. Try to avoid situations where you're going to have dinner out, and don't reward yourself with food. My most recent reward for myself was a new nail polish. (I'm totally into Sally Hansen's Hard as Diamonds.) Way cheaper than a meal at Olive Garden (I would have had half a bottle of wine in there too, incidentally) and lasts longer, plus it's fun to pick out new colors for spring/summer time. $1.97 at Walmart. New makeup, new work out clothes, new summer clothes, a new swim suit.... ANYTHING but food.

Also, accept that you're human. We (especially women) eat due to emotions, hormones, stress, boredom, etc. Try to fill any spare time you have with exercise. The weather is getting nice so it'll be easier to go outside and take a walk/jog/run. Join some sort of team... I play volleyball, and this summer we're trying to get a sand volleyball team together. Molly and I are also going to learn tennis this summer. I don't know if I'll like it, but I don't know that I won't, so I may as well give it a try, right? You're going to make mistakes, and you can't beat yourself up about it. We all do, and we all have our day, few days, week, few weeks, where we just can't seem to get it together. But you've come to us with your frustrations, so obviously you're ready to get it together.

You'll be fine, Stephie. It may have thrown a small wrench in the works, but hop right back on and work out extra hard for a week and you'll be ok. Hope some of that helps. Just know that you're not alone.

Lisa

Thank you all for your support. I read your comments and I know you are right. I am so glad I can come here and confess to you girls just to get compassion and great advice back.

Hey Steph,

Sounds like you're going through what we've all been through at one point or another. Heck, I had a rough month of March, between the DB's 25th weekend birthday bash, and then this past weekend at the water park, I'm suprised I even bothered with this diet. But it works, and it leaves us feeling great when we stick to it - and I think that's what keeps us coming back. It's just so easy to say, well tonight I'll binge and then tomorrow I'll jump back on. Fact is, life happens. If we all had the perfect lives with are meals all planned out and always had the time to exercise, then most of us wouldn't need the diet in the first place. But again, life happens. Heck, I got on the scale Sunday night after we got home (I know, I know a BIG nono to weigh yourself at night) but I did anyways, and the darn thing said I gained 15lbs in 3 days (which I still don't think is possible, although now I'm betting it's mostly due to all the salt intake, cuz I've already lost about 5lbs since Sunday night). That right there was enough to make me want to throw up, and I got mad that I allowed myself to eat that much. And normally when I see the scale jump like that, it sets me into a state of depression and I go eat more. It's a horribly cycle that I'm pretty sure all women go through.

I agree with Lisa, just take one day at a time. And when you've stayed OP all day long, reward yourself in a way other than food that you enjoy. A new book, or like Lisa said, new nail polish. It gives you something to look forward to, and helps you to stay on track.

And really, dinner out once in awhile isn't the end of the world. I mean we have to live life right? DB and I usually go out once every two or 3 weeks, and it doesn't set me back too bad, and then I feel like I'm not depriving myself. I'm like you though, now if I eat too many carbs, my stomach is NOT happy and I feel sick the rest of the night. Maybe that would help, the next time you're tempted, remind yourself of how you felt sick the last time you binged. It does help, and even if you do eat a bad meal, if you think about it, it helps to keep you from over-eating or going back for seconds.

Hang in there Steph, we all feel your pain. And remember, just take one day at a time. Hope this helps.

Nicole

Honey I TOTALLY understand! I've been heavy all my life and by the grace of God I've somehow managed to actually LOSE this time! And I did great the first 2 months but I've fallen into the same pattern. Once I start I just can't stop... Sunday I had 3 pieces of a large pizza, salad and then just continued to munch the rest of the night. I call it "emotional eating" and I think the key for me is to change the habit and change the way that I react to feelings. Retrain my brain in a way so that instead of eating I... hop on here, or exercise, or read, or take a hot bath do something instead of eat. I have about 10 pounds left to lose too, am feeling skinny for the first time in my freaking life so why do I keep sabotaging myself? Hang in there honey, we've all been there!

I understand too! all but the skinny fat girl thing One minute I was skinny and the next, 251+ pounds (the scale only went that high).

One binge for me leasds to another and another. I just can't keep it together. I try, get excited, then let myself down. HB (my partner) and I have now gained together (her 7 pounds but she can feel it and see it) and luckily MAYBE, we can support one another. I am sensitive about my weight and it's affecting our relationship. I can't just stop b!tching and complaining and get moving. I don't know why...but I am stuck.

You are on the right track! I hope I am too. I was ashamed to come back, yet again. It's like a broken record and I hope no one hates me. But SB worked for me, even if just for a month. And hopefully HB and I can BOTH stick to it, and going to our gym!

Hugs (platonically of course)