[beachgal]

I couldn't find a generic thread for humor here, so I thought I'd just start one!

Enjoy!
Laurie


Some thoughts about dogs.

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. Anonymous

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. Ann Landers

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. Will Rogers

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. Andy Rooney

We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made. M. Acklam

Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. Sigmund Freud

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. Rita Rudner

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. Robert Benchley

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. Franklin P. Jones

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. James Thurber

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. Joe Weinstein

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! Anne Tyler

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. Robert A. Heinlein

Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. Dave Miliman

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. Mark Twain

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' Dave Barry

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them. Phil Pastoret

[Barb0522]

You know you're living in 2004 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE...

13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends."
15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.
16. You are too busy to notice there was no #9.
17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9.
18. AND NOW U R LAUGHING at your self.

[ellis]

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement
home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green
grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and
thickness of a cucumber she once could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much
bigger and cheaper also, then demonstrated the size of two big
onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying,
but I remember the guy you're talking about."

[ADDflower]

Subject: recipe for baked stuffed chicken



When I found this recipe I thought it was perfect for

people, like me, who just are not sure how to tell when

poultry is cooked thoroughly but not dried out. Give

this a try.



BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN

6-7 lb. chicken

1 cup melted butter

1 cup stuffing

1 cup uncooked popcorn

salt/pepper to taste



Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with

melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing

and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end

toward the front of the oven. Listen for popping sounds.

When the chicken blows the oven door open and flies

across the room, it is done.

[beachgal]

You ladies are hilarious! I have a great cartoon to scan in today and share...will post later.

[beachgal]

I love these comics, Pearls Before Swine, but I can only read them online. You'll find them (and tons of other comic strips) at www.comics.com.

[beachgal]

Another one...

[beachgal]

Loved this Non Sequiter comic strip: (Darn! Just realized you guys probably can't read it at the size that's allowed for the image. The sign on the window reads, "Rehab Clinic" and the doors read, from the left, "Alcohol", "Drugs", and "Krispy Kremes")

[ellis]

[beachgal]

The Test

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

[beachgal]

Man Falls Asleep At Church...

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your !"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

[beachgal]

Things To Do In An Elevator

1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

5) Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an apointment.

9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"

[HistoryChick]

These are too funny!

[ellis]

Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women


PREGNANCY Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.



"ESTROGEN ISSUES"

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.



2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet



3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.



4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.



5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that

says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-"



6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.



7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
8. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
9. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

[ellis]

Once again, the Washington Post published its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk on a sprained ankle with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.), the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
14. Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.
15. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.