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Old 08-21-2004, 07:41 PM   #1
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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

How come we choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for Miss America?

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail... but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?
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Old 08-21-2004, 10:23 PM   #2
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All I have for funnies is nerdy English-Major humour.

The English Language!
We'll begin with a box and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.

The one fowl is a goose but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a whole set of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I speak of a foot and you show me your feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If I speak of a foot and you show me your feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why should not the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural wouldn't be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats and not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine she, shis and shim.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine she, shis and shim.

So English, I fancy you will all agree,
Is the funniest language you ever did see.
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Old 08-22-2004, 05:42 AM   #3
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Default What's Left to Eat?

Can't eat beef............mad cow

Can't eat chicken.............bird flu

Can't eat eggs.....cholesterol

Can't eat pork...............bacteria

Can't eat fish..............mercury

Can't eat fruit ............insecticides

Can't eat vegetables...........herbicides


So that only leaves



CHOCOLATE
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