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My partner is discouraged and angry

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Old 02-11-2010, 11:34 AM   #1
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Unhappy My partner is discouraged and angry

My partner just sent me a text that says that "by every objective measure, the diet is having no beneficial effects" on her.

She says her weight, blood pressure and blood sugar are not changing at all. We've been on the diet since January 18th

I don't believe it.. she LOOKS thinner.. I was marveling at this just this morning.

She says she's getting on the exercise bike every morning for 20 minutes, but I know our bike doesnt' offer a lot of resistance.. walking in our neighborhood is hard. (not entirely safe) and no room for treadmill etc.

I think part of the problem is when she's eating but I'm not sure.. because she gets touchy when I ask.

What I do know is she wants chinese food and pizza and she is ready to give up.

I suspect she is not eating enough veg. (snacks) She's eating salads but they are romaine with cucumbers, beans and maybe some peppers...

Does anyone have any ideas as to why she's not loosing or why things are not changing for her? (supposedly) or any suggestions on how I can support her?
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Old 02-11-2010, 11:46 AM   #2
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It's frustrating when the weight doesn't just whoosh away. I feel her pain! I've been on as many diets as the next guy, yo-yo dieting myself to a nice Fat Chickie. I've changed my focus this time. This is not a diet. It is a healthy living way of life. If the scale doesn't move -- I hate it, but I'm not quitting. She needs to decide what her goals are.

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Old 02-11-2010, 01:10 PM   #3
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Ouch, this is a real challenge. My partner has not done this with me, though she has been on again off again.OTOH I do the cooking for dinner so she has to do her own adding in if there are things she wants that I don't prepare. When she is on I've been supportive and when she slides off I'm quiet beyond a gentle question or two. Right now she is on an insane exercise kick and it's done wonders for her blood sugar. I hope that she will remember how much better she feels when she is tempted to stop exercising or add more fat to her diet.

I may be wrong, but I suspect as I sense you do that maybe she isn't really following the plan as closely as she thinks she is. Goodness knows I've been there, thinking I was doing great and ignoring all those little extras and the time I was off and on the exercise bike. If this isn't really what she wants to do right now the only thing you get to do is decide if this is the time for you whether or not she makes changes. I know very few relationships that hold up well with one party playing hall monitor to the other's behavior. A much more optimistic note - my mother, my partner, and a couple of friends have all modified their diets and exercise habits because of me. It's not anything I've said, I'm always very careful to frame my choices as my choices. It's because I look better, have more energy and clearly feel a lot better. You can support her by telling her how important it is to you that she take the best care of herself she can and then sit back and support her good choices while letting the others go.

If I'm off base and she really is sticking to the plan and wants ideas/support encourage her to either join or let you post her daily menus and get feedback.

As always advice offered under the FWIW banner

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Old 02-11-2010, 01:38 PM   #4
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Thank you both so very much.. I really wish she had started with the measuring tape.. I suspect that would give her better feedback.. I also suspect (and I will find out tonight) that she's only been tracking her blood pressure and blood sugar for a few weeks. I would think that 4 weeks would be showing a better improvement.

I'm going to have to find a way to offer help without sounding like a nag. When I tried to help find cold lunch options for her, she got all "don't worry about it, I'll figure it out"... which makes me wonder...

After she chills out a bit, maybe I can coax some info out of her.. but I'll have to start with "I want to help... you know I've been reading a lot and maybe I'll have some insight.. if you want, we can look at your info/intake together to see if we can find the problem"

I'm starting to wonder if impatience is her problem. I have been trying very hard to not go on about how I'm doing.. I feel like I'm doing well and my clothes fit better.. but I have only about 50lbs to lose .. she has 100ish.
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Old 02-11-2010, 01:41 PM   #5
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[What I do know is she wants chinese food and pizza and she is ready to give up.]

Maybe she isn't feeling satisfied because she isn't eating enough. There's a spaghetti squash recipe thats posted - it's baked in the oven and topped with 'pizza stuff'. That might kick her pizza cravings and keep her right on plan. (Does it for me.) As for Chinese, it's soo doable, minus the rice Kalyn's Kitchen (you'll have to search! I can't post links) has a lot of asian inspired recipes - my family likes the asian lettuce cups on that site. I sautee up lots of zuchini and onions and serve those on the side and it takes care of the chinese food fix
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Old 02-11-2010, 01:44 PM   #6
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She has been on the diet less than a month. Her body may just react more slowly than she expects, dieting takes a lot of patience. OTOH she may be cheating.
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Old 02-11-2010, 01:49 PM   #7
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She has been on the diet less than a month. Her body may just react more slowly than she expects, dieting takes a lot of patience. OTOH she may be cheating.
I don't think she is cheating.. not intentionally.. but I do think that her idea of a snack is a scoop of peanut butter. So I'm wondering about that.

I also wondered if she hasn't given it enough time... I mean she didn't put that weight on in one month, right?
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Old 02-11-2010, 01:52 PM   #8
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[Maybe she isn't feeling satisfied because she isn't eating enough.
you know.. she did say she was hungry last night.... so she had a snack.. maybe she needs to eat before she gets hungry.. I wonder if she's not paying attention to that.

My job makes it easy for me.. I pack two snacks and a lunch.. and I have dinner when I get home. She has breakfast at 7AM.. a lunch/snack at 10:30, on campus from 12 -4 (not sure if she snacks there). has a snack at 4:30.. dinner at 6:30 snack at 8.. so I wonder if that BIG gap in the middle is causing her problems..

Last edited by KicknKnit : 02-11-2010 at 01:52 PM. Reason: fix my AM/PM mistake
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Old 02-11-2010, 01:53 PM   #9
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I had the same thought as ohmai - there are great alternatives for pizza and chinese. This week I have had both the spaghetti squash deep dish pie and chicken/veggie stir fry.

I think you have an interesting dilemma. I remember years of dieting and really resenting what people said when they were only trying to help. And now I am on the other side just dying to make my husband change his eating. He and I talk about weight, diet and exercise a lot... but clearly he is not getting any results with his attempts. What I have said to him is that I am happy to help in anyway I can, and he should let me know. Of course he hasn't taken me up on it yet... but neither has he gotten mad or eaten more!
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Old 02-11-2010, 02:00 PM   #10
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There is a recipe posted for Shrimp Fried Rice that uses riced cauliflower in place of the rice. It is so delicious and you hardly even realize there is no rice in it.
You can try to help her out, satisfy her cravings, but in the end she has to decide that this is the right plan for her and that she wants to stick with it or not.
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Old 02-11-2010, 02:04 PM   #11
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KnK, this can be very frustrating, but don't let it get YOU off track! What it sounds like is this:

"When you want it, you'll find a way. When you don't, you'll find an excuse."

Your partner is finding an excuse. When she's ready, she'll be willing to do anything to make it happen. As for the pizza and Chinese food, it's very easy to make both at home, and, depending on where you live, get it out at restaurants, too.

She might not lose if she doesn't burn more calories than she eats. She also might not lose if she only has a small amount to lose. On the other hand, saying the diet doesn't work for her is a great excuse to go off it and just eat what she wants, and I think that's what's really happening here.

Hope you don't lose your focus even if she does.
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Old 02-11-2010, 02:24 PM   #12
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Ahh, I'm sitting with my salad and really reading here word by word, because it's such a touchy situation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by KicknKnit View Post
My partner just sent me a text that says that "by every objective measure, the diet is having no beneficial effects" on her.
I'm wondering if there's a little bit of the alter ego justifying because in her head she wants to go off plan. If she has more to lose than you, it may look hopeless to her. Does she have any job or family stressors that tend to make one want to eat for comfort?

Quote:
Originally Posted by KicknKnit View Post
I don't believe it.. she LOOKS thinner.. I was marveling at this just this morning.
Many times, we're the last to see it, especially if we're losing inches but not pounds. 6 weeks in, I had lost pounds but absolutely without a doubt felt fatter than when I started.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KicknKnit View Post
I think part of the problem is when she's eating but I'm not sure.. because she gets touchy when I ask.
If shes touchy, it probably isn't going to help to "try and help".


Quote:
Originally Posted by KicknKnit View Post
What I do know is she wants chinese food and pizza and she is ready to give up.
Chinese food and pizza are doable on SBD. Could you facilitate some OP meals that specifically address what she's hungry for. Kalyn's Kitchen Easy South Beach Recipes. My DH loves pizza and I have found an easy fix. I buy a Kashi frozen pizza-there's Margharita, Roasted Veggie and Mushroom that are SBD ok, and I add all kinds of additional ingredients-including a bit more RF mozzarella.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KicknKnit View Post
Does anyone have any ideas as to why she's not loosing or why things are not changing for her? (supposedly) or any suggestions on how I can support her?
From what you've said, she IS losing and changing. She just isn't very cooperative right now. At this point I think you need to think about yourself. It sounds like you want to stay OP, so perhaps you can explain that to her and suggest that you be responsible for making dinners SBD friendly, while taking into consideration her ideas for meals. You can let her know that of all the plans avaliable that you have researched an feel this is a healthy way of eating that you'd like to continue. You can explain that you won't bug her, but that you're always there for support. In the end, she'll probably eat healthier than before if you stay OP....and she may see the results in you before she sees them in herself.

BTW-My blood pressure really dropped between 6-8 weeks.

And who knows, maybe she's in a bad mood and her outlook will change later. Anyway, I'd think first thing would be to find some of the food she wants OP then take it a day at a time.
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Old 02-11-2010, 02:39 PM   #13
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BTW-My blood pressure really dropped between 6-8 weeks.

And who knows, maybe she's in a bad mood and her outlook will change later. Anyway, I'd think first thing would be to find some of the food she wants OP then take it a day at a time.
Thank you! That is very helpful...
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Old 02-11-2010, 04:39 PM   #14
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Kick- My wife is a lot like this. She gets easily frustrated and decides to throw in the towel. It's not for 6+ months later when we're both derailed and eating crap that she remembers how great she felt even though the pounds weren't melting off as she'd like.

Like Cyndi, I do most of the cooking so she pretty much eats what I cook. Which is good for me. I am trying to get her to cut down on her sugar. She is finding every excuse she can - "It's gotta be SOMETHING -I can't have gained 20 pounds in 6 months" - except for the eating. Well, with cutting down on her sugar (she'll have 2 serving instead of a PINT of ice cream every few nights instead) during the day and eating a lot more SBD friendly foods (I haven't switched her to brown rice pasta yet though!), she's lost 5 pounds.

But most of all, she FEELS better. I sat down with her at the end of December and we had a frank talk about making it work. She never understood my SBD following because she didn't have weight to lose. Now that she does, she gets it. Yes, I fall off plan but it helps to have her say, "is that really worth it" even if I get mad at her in the moment for it, because it's all around helpful and I know she's doing it to support me.

Does she have a lot more than you to lose?

Also, I just spoke to DW about this post because I wanted her take on it. She says she doesn't want to do SBD because she doesn't like to feel deprived (she did it once before with her mom and didn't get past week 1). Then she'll binge on whatever it is because it's carbs or sugar or whatever. But she doesn't mind it when she brings the same healthy snacks to work or leftovers for lunch, etc. because I cooked and packed it for her

Now I am babbling.

Anyway, she will "cheat" at work but now it's more open communication and she's not "afraid" to tell me about the cupcake or cookie. Though, now it's only one cupcake and 2 cookies versus 3 or 4 of each! I would suspect that she might be cheating on the diet -- purposefully or not -- if she hasn't lost anything. But I don't pretend to know her so I have no clue.

Are you all weighing in? Can you subtl-bluntly take out the measuring tape and ask her for "help" and say you are going to track that way too so you don't get frustrated, etc? How do you know your b/p and blood sugar? Is it something she has to monitor?

I hope my babbling has been somewhat helpful. I just want you to know I feel your pain!
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Old 02-11-2010, 06:12 PM   #15
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I can address your issue from a blood sugar standpoint, as I'm insulin-dependent when pregnant and have pre-diabetes when I'm not. Timing when you eat is really important when monitoring your blood sugars.

What time(s) of day is she checking her sugars?
Is she doing a fasting blood sugar reading?
Is she waiting two hours after eating to check throughout the day?
Does she eat late at night?

All of those things could be throwing off her readings. When she does cheat, is she combining carbs and protein? If not, that will cause a spike in her readings.
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