DH/SO expectations
 

Okay, I've always been the same weight since I met my husband. 144. Before children, after children. But it certainly LOOKED a lot different after children (read: less muscle, more fat!!). But, 144 still isn't horrid for a 5'4" woman, is it? I was in a size 10 at that time...all my weight (well, most of it) was in my hips and thighs...and I admit, I was not comfortable nor happy with the way I looked.

He's always been most attracted to very fit woman. Think: cover of shape magazine or something. He goes to the gym all the time, and we're in a college town....so he sees these 20 something single childless workout women ALL the time.

So, now I've lost almost 15 lbs, and just bought a size 6 pants:carrot:. Very proud of myself, and my husband is too. He keeps telling me I look sooo much better.

Then I was telling him I saw myself in the Penney's mirror. Are there ANY good mirrors? I swear, it almost exaggerates any and all dimples, fat deposits, etc. I told him he said it looks better, but it certainly didn't in those mirrors!! His response? "But you're definately going in the right direction".

It made me realize...he hopes one day I'll look like the Shape magazine cover. He is most attracted to those skinny, 12-15% body fat types that are toned too. It almost annoys me that that is his preference, and he wants me to look like that. It ticks me off that the media glorifies all skinny women.

I guess I always think back to "men will love you for who you are, not how you look", but looks are SOOOO important to him. He's never verbally said that's what he wants me to look like that, but I know it is!!

It's annoying to me. The evil/vindictive/bitter side of me gets made and almost makes me want to be counterproductive.

Anyone else's DH/SO have unrealistic expectations/wants? Disillusioned because of the media?

This journey should be about doing it for yourself, not trying to fit into a certain type of woman you think your husband finds attractive! Does he truly want you to be that type of women, or is he just being a man and ogling young women?!

Hey, I'm not doing the South Beach Diet (though I am kind of interested in it) but :hug: Ugh... I'm also annoyed when men have a preference for perfectly toned, skinny-minnie girls. I know it's a RIDICULOUS thing to get annoyed ab, but I *HATE* it when perfectly thin women (like yourself -- at 130 lbs and 5'4" you are probably pretty thin) are made to feel fat/out of shape bc of that kind of preference.

But as Piggin said, losing weight is for YOU, not for your husband or anyone else. It's for YOUR comfort and health and self-esteem, not so that you can fit his perfect preference. The truth is that SO few women (at least in the US) are fit to don the cover of Shape Magazine and those who are, usually, do nothing else but workout -- that's their JOB; they're models bc they're exceptional. I don't think he can/does expect you to look like a fitness model -- it would be like him being disappointed bc you don't look like Kate Moss (minus the cocaine).

Please don't feel bad ab the way you look -- you're a perfectly healthy weight for your height and you workout regularly. Keep doing this for YOU. :hug:

To me, saying something like, "You're going in the right direction" is a way to be supportive. It doesn't sound like pressure to me. Also, it almost sounds like you set him up to see if he would say something negative. We all have preferences towards a certain body type, but just because our SO doesn't perfectly match that doesn't mean that we love them any less or are less attracted to them.

Obviously, I don't know this man, but those were my impressions. You're doing a great job!

Oh, Twynn, you sound so blue. First of all, I am 5'4" and my goal is 145. I think this is a very reasonable weight for this height, and about what I weighed in college. But I have never been a very thin person.
We can all look at hardbodies on magazine covers (men and women) and think they're attractive. But I think most of us realize what it takes to look that way and that it's not realistic for most people, since we do not carry our portable airbrush around with us. You wrote that your DH has never said to you that he wishes you look that way. If he does it may be the way Ruth and I fantasize about George coming to visit, it's not real. There are certain actresses/models that my DH thinks are sexy. They are all of a type that I am not. But he loves me and married me, so attraction is more complicated than just the way someone looks. Even at 245 lbs., DH thought I was sexy, even though I'm sure he wished I would lose some weight (although he was smart enough never to suggest it). I'm sure he loves you for more than your appearance - but in a size 6, I'll bet you look pretty awesome anyway! Maybe you are reading too much into this, or projecting your insecurities. How much of this is him and how much of this is you? Don't let this drive you crazy, you are attractive and lovable for many qualities and I'm sure your DH knows it.

It sounds like we have the same dh! My husband also loves the fitness model look. While he has never put pressure on me to lose weight, I know that he would be more attracted to me if I resembled those women. He loves me regardless and I think that is what matters. If I am honest with myself, I know that I would also find him "more" attractive if he tightened up but my love for him would remain the same. In the end, that is what matters.

You are almost at YOUR goal and that is what matters. When you feel attractive again, your spouse will find you that way as well.

After having children, the body does change but you can get back to a more toned physique.

Twynn - Hang in there honey! Men sometimes say stupid things. My guess is that he didn't mean anything to hurt you and, in fact, he probably thought what he said was very supportive. He loves you and has not shown to think otherwise. Feel good about how you've been so successful. You rock!

Twynn...I know it must be frustrating to watch him salivate over college girls, but remember..he married YOU not the cover girl on the magazine. I think the sexiest thing a woman can wear is self confidence. You went from a size 10 to a size 6!!!!....strut your stuff right along side those gym going college girls!!!!!

I'm going to ditto this statement.

I think when presented with someone/something beautiful, we all want to take a nice long look. I'll admit to checking out the neighbor's lawn boy occassionally. :o

I think your husband was put in a tough spot. He answered very diplomatically and, IMO, an encouraging manner.

Congratulations on your WL!

KLK hit the nail on the head, I think!
 

I agree with what KLK said. In one of my social-psychology classes in college we studied about male and female body type/image preferences. According to one expert, which the name escapes me, both men and women are conditioned by our respective culture (key word) to find certain features attractive. For example, in some cultures around the world, the kind of thinness we prefer here would not be considered attractive. However, since we do live here and I know you don't plan on moving elsewhere to feel attractive, I hope you will, at least, consider what we are all saying.

It is good to be "thin" for your health. However, to be abnormally thin for your height, bone structure and genetics can (and often does) lead to ill health. If you are healthy and still want to lose weight, that is ultimately your decision but like Schmoodle said, beauty if more than skin deep. I used to be one of those enviable stick thin model types when I was a young girl and woman. I was also vain, very obsessed but also very insecure about my looks and it seemed like the only guys who were attracted to me were those who wanted to lay me. I never got the feeling that they gave one hoot about what I felt, thought or cared about. In fact, guess what, I was cheated on as much by them when I was model-thin as when I was fat. If a guy wants to cheat, he will. He'll blame your housekeeping or that you are boring... although I don't want you to get "paranoid" about any of that either! I was even told by my second husband that he saw me as a "trophy", something (not someone, mind you) that his friends could envy.

Well, fast forward to today. I am middle-aged, I am overweight but I have a darling sweet adorable DH who loves me period! No added clauses attached. He is my buddy, he is my lover and I hope we can be together forever. If he looks at other women, and he has mentioned some cute ones (he thinks Jean Smart, Charlene of Designing Women, is gorgeous--and guess what, she is!)so what! It shows he has good taste and his eyes work (a good thing at our age).

It is a shame we are such a shallow culture. I can't fix how we are but I did finally realize that I had more to offer a man than a good looking body and face. I have a good heart, a warm laugh and I make a mean pot roast. To me, that is what counts to my DH.

Sweetie, at your weight and size, be proud you are going to have many more years for your dear hubby to chase around. Don't worry, he will, if he has any good sense;)

I hope your husband knows that he is attracted to women that have the same problems as you (everyone over 18 has some form of cellulite)....they just have a better airbrush tech. ;)

Thanks for all your words and advice!

I think it stems from a bunch of things. He's always told me... if I gained too much weight, he'd still love me, but he wouldn't be attracted to me (and he's a VERY sexual person). Then, a few months ago, a while before I went on a diet (and NOT the reason I did...definately not!!), he got on his HANDS and KNEES and BEGGED me to get into shape. BEGGED ME. Now, this is a very submissive, self-conscious, quiet guy that never asks much of me at all. So for him to do this, was extraordinary. And I was ticked!! He finally figured out I was upset with him, and then he brought it up AGAIN, twice the next two days!!

So, yes...I am sensitive...

And although he's never said he's wanted me to look like that, being married to him, I know that's what he'd like. So when he said this the other day, I thought, "wow, he's just not going to be completely happy unless I'm a model!!".

Sigh. Well, getting it off my mind helps a bunch!!! Thanks for all the encouragement and support!

(and PS - he really is a good guy otherwise....)

I have to say my blood pressure rises when I read your postings....this is a huge pet peeve of mine...these men who expect women to fit a cookie cutter ideal and it just isn't real...even super models are airbrushed of their cellulite, made to look curvier in magazine ads etc.....and it worries me that he seems so bent on you "getting into shape" when you are at a perfect weight as we speak....I just don't get it....and what if you are happy at your current weight....I am sure he doesn't look like mathew mchonahay or george clooney so mabey he should work on that :)......aaarrrgggg....and you wonder why women are always questioning themselves and obsessing about weight etc....I really don't have any suggestions or solutions for u because I don't know anything about your husband or anything about your marriage etc....but I am very sensitive especially when it comes to my weight and this would definately be a problem for me......I would love to see these men carry a watermelon in their prostate for 9 months and then push it out of their privates....then look like brad pitt :)........just make sure your doing it for yourself and no one else i guess would be my main point :).....

I don't think you're overly sensitive here. I think he is "insensitive". Talk about a blow to your ego. How would you get in the mood with him after that little pep talk? How did you look when you got married? Does he still look the same? Sorry, but I think he's being shallow here.

:cp: I love that!