Home / South Beach Diet

Beach Belly Laughs...

#1

beachgal , 05-05-2006 09:51 AM

Hey...sometimes we need a good laugh to make it through the day! Feel free to add your funnies to this thread! (you can always post them separately if you want. )

Quote:
Cars vs. Computers

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
#2

kyemom , 05-05-2006 11:49 AM

ROFLMAO>>>>>>>I work for a technology company!!!!
#3

JessieW , 05-05-2006 11:56 AM

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 / yr and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember�is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

9. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

10. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

11. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

12. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

13. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

14. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license.* If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.
#4

cottagebythesea , 05-05-2006 06:27 PM

Those were great! Here's a favorite of mine:

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER
(actual AP headline)

Linda Bxxxxxx, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that LInda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of her head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
#5

beachgal , 05-13-2006 03:20 AM

Cottage, that's one of my major favorites! I hate the noise that the biscuits make when you pop them open. I can totally see thinking that it's a gunshot!

Kye, you lucky girl! I really enjoy technology but am not skilled enough to work in the industry. You must have a lot of patience!

Jessie, as a CA girl, I can totally relate.
#6

beachgal , 05-18-2006 10:59 AM

Got this from my aunt. Thankfully, it's not like this when DH cooks...but this is exactly how it is with my father.

Quote:
>After long months of cold & winter, we are finally coming up to summer & BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.
>
>When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
>
>Routine...
>
>1) The woman buys the food.
>2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, & makes dessert.
>3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils & sauces, & takes it to the man who is
>lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
>
>Here comes the important part:

>4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
>
>More routine....
>
>5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates & cutlery.
>6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her & asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
>
>
>Important again:
>
>7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL & HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
>
>More routine.....
>
>8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces & brings them to the table.
>9) After eating, the woman clears the table & does the dishes.
>
>And most important of all:
>
>10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN & THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
>11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women...
#7

sarahyu , 05-18-2006 11:59 AM

OMG, I can so relate to that grill thing. My dh once said that he couldn't help me if I had company come over one summer afternoon, I looked at him all shocked and said "When do you ever help me in the kitchen?" He looked all offended and said with complete sincerity, "I get the grill out and cook all the food!" What, all the food? No I prepare all the food and you place it on the grill and watch it so it doesn't burn to a crisp while I clean up the kitchen and get all the side dishes done. So bad feelings all around and he hasn't fired up the grill in serveral years. (Bascially, getting the grill out is the big part of why I don't do it myself.)

Sarah
#8

beachgal , 05-19-2006 11:01 AM

Ah, Sarah, I'm sorry about the grill...even though you were totally in the right with your husband! Grrr.... Grilling is so healthy (well, except for those carcinogens... ) and fast...any way you can put the grill in an easier to access place?

Here's a new funny, courtesy of my aunt:

Quote:
Grandmas Don't Know Everything

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd

been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came

into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2

people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the

other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth.

"It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and

play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it

is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds!" "and

Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you"!!
#9

beachgal , 05-26-2006 02:03 PM

This had my mom and me on the floor crying with laughter last night! Hope you all enjoy it too!

Quote:
Thanks to Harriet St. Amant for this lengthy but entertaining food
funny:

Chef's Dictionary

Al Dente: Italian term for the desired stage in the preparation of
pasta, when it is cooked yet still firm to the bite. Pasta that has
been boiled too long is described, according to the degree to which
it has been overcooked, as al gummo, al musho, at botcho, and
al garbaggio.

Barbecue: Primitive summertime rite at which spirits are present,
hunks of meat are sacrificed by being burnt on braziers by sauce-
smeared men wearing odd hats and aprons with cabalistic slogans,
and human flesh is offered to insects.

Basting: Process through which cooking juices in a roasting pan
are carefully transferred -- with a basting siphon, ladle or spoon --
to the oven rack, the bottom of the oven, the inside of the oven door,
the floor, the stove top, and the counter.

Chef: Any cook who swears in French.

Cookbook: A collection of recipes arranged in such a fashion
that the cook must turn the page just after the point where a
thick paste of flour, water, and lard is mixed by hand.

Diet: The specific types and quantities of food that any given
individual will start eating tomorrow, next week, or after the
beginning of the new year.

Food: Any plant or animal substance that provides nourishment.
There are basically four broad categories of food: carbohydrates,
fats, proteins, and individually wrapped chocolates with cherry centers.

Gadget: Any mechanical device that performs a kitchen task in
one-twentieth the time it takes to find it.

Gelatin: A pain in the aspic.

Gourmet: Anyone who, when you fail to finish something strange
or revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're
leaving the best part.

Health Food: Any food whose flavor is indistinguishable from that
of the package in which it is sold.

Imported: Packed in a box, can, carton or bottle with a label
containing lies in a foreign language.

Jams and Jellies: Sweet fruit confections served at breakfast
with toast, muffins or other baked goods. Oddly enough, jams
and jellies are considered diet foods, since the calories expended
in opening the jars and packets in which they are sold greatly
exceeds the number consumed in the course of eating their contents.

Kitchen Cabinet: Storage areas containing items that should have
been put somewhere else.

Ladle: The only thing that is edible in a pot of leek soup.

Marinade: Any flavored liquid mixture in which a dish whose
recipe you just looked up after deciding to serve it this evening
should have been soaking in since at least last night.

Noodles: Honestly! Nobody, but nobody, calls them noodles
anymore. Wash your mouth out with kir and see PASTA.

Oven Mitt: A partially charred grease stain that fits over the hand.

Picnic: Any meal eaten more than 100 yards from the nearest
bathroom.

Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing
ingredients you forgot to buy in utensils you don't own to make a
dish the dog won't eat the rest of.

Sugar: One of a class of carbohydrates present in one form or
another in all foods. Common sources of sugar and the types
they contain are: fructose and glucose (fruit juice and honey);
lactose (milk); sucrose (sugar cane or sugar beets); maltose (malt);
and jocose, verbose, morose, lachrymose, bellicose, and comatose
(alcohol).

Taste: 1. The ability to distinguish between, say, Tripes a la
Mode de Caen and chocolate pudding. 2. The critical discernment
necessary to choose the chocolate pudding.

Timer: Adjustable clock that rings or otherwise signals when a
particular dish is overcooked.

Utensil: A spill, cut burn, or bungle with a handle on the end.

Vinaigrette: Basic French dressing that consists of too much oil
added a bit too quickly to a mixture containing partially ground
peppercorns from a malfunctioning mill, an excess of salt, all the
juice that could be gotten out of an old lemon half, and dry mustard
that fell out of the can in a big lump.

Whisk: One of a number of exercise devices used by sedentary
cooks to develop muscles and improve body tone. Other items of
workout equipment found in kitchens include the egg beater
(strengthens pectorals), the cheese grater (enlarges triceps), and
the salad spinner (firms up deltoids).

Yogurt: Semisolid dairy product made from partially evaporated
and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste
exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and
squid.

Zinfandel: Red wine produced in very large volume in California
and available by the liter or gallon in both premium and unleaded
varieties. The best recent vintage is the 11:35 a.m., though some
people swear by the 9:58.
#10

beachgal , 06-01-2006 10:00 PM

Got this one from Meg...too funny!

(please, don't take this seriously, now! )

Quote:
**BREAD IS DANGEROUS !!!**

Research on bread indicates that:

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.

7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.

8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed that the following bread restrictions be made:

1. No sale of bread to minors.

2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.

3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.

4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
#11

sarahyu , 06-02-2006 10:37 AM

Dihydrogen monoxide-the horrors!
This is a funny that circulated around the chem lab years ago. You have to have a spartering knowledge of basic chemistry to get this joke.

Quote:
The Invisible Killer

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted
thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental
inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there.
Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage.
Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and
possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance.
For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:

is also known as hydroxl acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
contributes to the "greenhouse effect."
may cause severe burns.
contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

Contamination Is Reaching Epidemic Proportions!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream,
lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global,
and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has
caused millions of dollars of property damage in the US.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:

as an industrial solvent and coolant.
in nuclear power plants.
in the production of styrofoam.
as a fire ******ant.
in many forms of cruel animal research.
in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains
contaminated by this chemical.
as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products.

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is
extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution,
or use of this damaging chemical due to its "importance to the economic
health of this nation." In fact, the navy and other military
organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing
multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations.
Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a
highly sophisticated underground distribution network.
Many store large quantities for later use.

The Horror Must Be Stopped!

Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this dangerous chemical.

What you don't know can hurt you and others throughout the world.
Dihydrogen monoxide- di is 2 hydrogens; mono-1-oxide-oxygen -H20- water
#12

Demeter , 06-06-2006 11:14 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by beachgal
Got this from my aunt. Thankfully, it's not like this when DH cooks...but this is exactly how it is with my father.

OMG! That's exactly how it is at my place. Sad, huh? lol
I take what I can get. I guess it's better than nothing.

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