I just received a call from my parents. My dad has just offered me the opportunity to try Optifast.
A bit of background: My dad is fat, I am fat (obviously), most of my dad's family is fat too... I am certain some genetics factor into my size, but that doesn't mean it can't be changed. Back in the early 1990's my dad did Optifast- he lost over 100lbs and maintained for around 3 years - he slipped up when he was laid off, the comfort foods overwhelmed him. He is now ready to try optifast again and told me that he is willing to pay for me to do it as well.
Optifast is something I considered in the past, but I cannot afford to pay for it. It will cost around $1700 for each of us.
I don't know if I want to do it. My dad is giving time to think it over (he is not thinking of starting until June); and he wants me to give it serious thought, but does NOT want me to do it if I am not doing it for myself.
I want so badly to be skinny... and deep down I want so badly to see immediate results. I am so conflicted over this right now.
I feel like I just finally resolved in my mind the fact that it could take me a few years to reach my goal weight; I have finally made good changes that have been a long time coming, and I am exercising very often and enjoying it.
He has been down a road that I have never gone, that I am afraid I will never get to experience... and he has said that he doesn't think I will ever get the results I want without something drastic. That makes me feel horrible that he doesn't realize what good I've done (but I rarely talk to my parents about my lifestyle either).
I absolutely hate the taste of protein shakes-they make me gag.... I love the taste and texture of food, and I am finally working on portion sizes (now that I have gotten rid of 99% of the junk). I am afraid that rapid weight loss might result in horridly lose skin. I am afraid that I don't know how to be thin. But this is a tremendous opportunity, all expenses paid.... I could graduate college at my goal weight ( that thought makes me cry).
I guess it comes down the fact that although I am working hard toward losing weight, being skinny - reaching my goal weight - has NEVER seemed like it would be a reality, until now. And, frankly, that is absolutely frightening - I'm afraid that I won't be happy when I reach goal. I do not know how to mentally prepare to be skinny, I don't know how I will change as a person, how the experience will change me.
I am afraid of not being fat... it is so ingrained as part of my identity.
I don't know what I am going to decide. I know that if I do this, it will be hard - probably the hardest thing I have ever done. But the results would be worth it - as long as I can handle it mentally.
(as a side note, a result of this phone call made me realize that feeling emotionally conflicted and confused is a huge trigger for a binge - however I realized what was going to happen and I didn't binge! WOOHOO! )