I feel like you. I used to be very small when I got married. I was in my early twenties at the time, I gained the weight fast.I worked in a casino and my job required me to wear a skimpy revealing uniform. Within 5 years I have just... ballooned.
I had a real "moment" over here the other night. It was on the do you not feel fat thread. At first I was emphatically thinkg, why yes, I have always been aware of my weight gain... but in fact this
is a denial. I knew I grew, but it hasn't been until this week when I cracked the whip that I started to reveal things to myself for the first time. It's like I've had this issue crammed in a closet and couldn't face how it has affected my life.
I have really looked deep into how I see myself and how others see me. Especially my husband. It is really sad. It really makes me want to break free from this weight to please us both, but I am beginning to wonder... when I do, what will his attitude towards me be? I don't think I will appreciate special attention that I get skinny that I didn't get when I was overweight. I would be insulted. For example, he is very unaffectionate. I believe in my heart it is because he is not attracted to me anymore. He was really affectionate when I was a smaller size. Plus he says he is so afraid I will find someone else when I lose this weight. What makes him think I couldn't do that
now? Because skinny does not equal beauty. I am the same woman on the inside, but admittingly with more frustration because I am sorry I have let myself go. It makes me angry.At him, but at me too because I allowed myself to gain so much weight somewhere along the line... but I thought love was unconditional. If I have to be a size 5 to be shown affection, I think there will be a problem. Of course it hasn't happened yet, so I don't know for sure. I am just guessing as to why things have changed, and in my mind the weight is why.