I have had an epiphany. I get it now. My last post was about why I do the things I do. I get it. I've had my light-bulb moment.
It is my form of control. It is the one thing I CAN control. I have done this ever since I was a teen. I can't control other things in my life, so I control my food. Sort of a rebellion. I eat what other people thing I shouldn't.
As well as being a form of control, it is my safety net. I am controlling what I eat, but not to be healthy. I am controlling what I eat for comfort -- emotional and psychological. Overeating gives me my payoff -- I stay fat.
Doesn't sound like a payoff, does it? But it is a payoff, if your (subconscious) goal is to hide. To not be noticed (or attractive). I started overeating in high school. I think I just didn't want anyone to notice me. Well, they still noticed me, but not for anything good - just because I was fat.
Now that I consciously realize this, I feel like I can take control in a good way instead of a self-destructive way. I went out and bought Dr Phil's book again. I had bought it once before, never read it, and gave it away. I picked it up in paperback this time. Some of the stuff he talks about is exactly what I am dealing with, so hopefully that will help me along.
I think I may actually be on the right track this time