I'm so glad you posted that, Meg
.
I've been sorta struggling with the whole idea of "obsession" lately. It's something that's bouncing around in the back of my head -- a kind of unformed "worry" -- and your post pulled it to the front of my head, which is great because I know I need to work it out.
I'm worried about getting obsessed. I'm worried that I
am obsessed. I worry that I "won't stop" and will end up with an eating disorder -- which is a highly weird thing for me to be worrying about because I love food so much! I know it all stems from my Mom (whose anorexia I've posted quite a bit about already). I worry I might end up like her. Part of me knows it will NEVER happen, but another part of me wonders if I really know the boundary between obsession and healthy dedication. I've always had obsessive tendencies, which usually work in my favor because it means when I want to do something, I do everything possible to get it DONE. It's a huge advantage as a writer, and it served me VERY well as a teacher. But I also know it can get out of hand if I'm not careful.
I KNOW I won't turn into an "exercise bulemic" like my Mom was because (as you all know VERY WELL) I despise cardio. And her daily regime of jogging for 2 hours and swimming for an hour just ain't gonna happen. So it's the
food thing I worry about. Some days I experiment with even smaller meal portions than normal, just to see what I can "get away with." Some days, I don't eat when I come home from the gym because I want to see how long I can last without food after exercise. Some days, the idea of eating (especially in the morning) makes me feel kinda sick. I've been exhausted lately, and I don't know if it's because I'm not eating enough or if it's a seasonal/clock-change thing. Or my nutty schedule?
I also really worry about my body dismorphic issues -- I'm a loose size 8 jeans now and I still don't see it. If I can't see
that how am I going to know when to stop losing? Does that make sense?
Plus, I bought a scale and weigh myself now every day (I read the thread around here "somewhere" about using a scale as a maintenance tool). And my trainer's a bit worried about that cuz she's very anti-scale.
I like to think I'm just extremely dedicated...but I know obsession looms, too.
Sorry, that was more of a babble than anything else...
Thanks again for the thread, Meg. Food (
) for thought, as they say!
(By the way, I registered with the National Weight Control registry! I kept 30 lbs off for 18 months before working on getting the rest off. I'm still waiting for my big packet of surveys!)