I haven't been posting much, have had so much on my mind but I have been 100% on plan which seems so weird to me under the circumstances. I've managed to lose 3 pounds the past 2 weeks.
My DH took his parents to Boston for 10 days which really allowed me to see how I would feel with him gone...and it was very peaceful and allowed me time to think.
I've kept things going longer than I probably should have...thinking it would be for the best for my 2 teenage boys. Also, I hated to think we couldn't make it when it's not for any glaringly obvious reason like betrayal or illegal activity, which has been the case with family members...most of whom have been divorced twice. We talked about failed marriages before we married and I guess that's what kept me trying for so long.
I grew up with an alcoholic Dad and was thrilled that I did not marry one. It took me years to see that I married a workaholic and an addiction is an addiction. Dh's is just more easily accepted by society.
I've raised the boys alone with DH always working 11-13 hour shifts. He missed just about every event at school from kindergarten graduations to honors award, sports, driver's training, how to shave, tie a tie...all of it. I've been a "married-single-parent" for decades and no matter how much we discussed it, over and over again, he would tell me he was ultimately trying to make his business a success for us.
For me, I look to the future and can't imagine what we would have to discuss or share or why we should. It would be impossible to have discussions reminiscing about the boys doing anything...he wasn't there. I realize now just how lonely I have felt while being married. My sons were the bright spot in my life and while I will be forever grateful that I was able to be a SAHM with them...they are growing up (18 & 15-1/2).
I need to find a life for me that will fill me up...food was never the answer. Somehow I always knew it but for some reason I finally believe it. I got through having a party on the 4th for my one son's birthday...yes, 4th of July baby as is my Dad. I got through the party without overeating and even got my exercise done in the morning.
Why the heck I'm sharing this here...I don't know. I've always found it difficult to just jump into a forum and let it all hang out...but I sense that being accountable and having a sounding board is going to be very important and helpful down the road. I also needed to practice saying the word Divorce as we aren't telling the boys until Monday...they have too many plans this week-end and it wouldn't be fair. We will then be telling everyone else.
Thanks for letting me vent. (o.k.---I just have to get the courage to actually hit the submit button...........