Fear
This is in response to Nancy’s question about the fear of being thin. This fear is quite different for a woman who has never been thin, even as a child. At age 8 I wore a bigger size jeans than my mother. Every year since I was 12 I dreamed of being thin the following year, but it never happened.
Being thin enough to be considered attractive by society’s standards is something I’ve never experienced. Currently, I’m 157 pounds and a size 12, and even now am having a very difficult time mentally breaking through that size 10/12 barrier, which I’ve stayed above for almost a year now. Therefore, this subject is worth exploring. Sometimes I dream of the future and imagine myself being 140 pounds, or a size 8 or 6. Panic sets in. I’m baffled, because being thin is what I want to accomplish more than anything.
The reasons why I am afraid of being thin are nebulous in my own mind, but I will make an attempt to address them.
The fantasy fulfilled is the fantasy lost
As someone who has always been fat, I’ve built a lot of fantasies in my head about what it will be like to be thin. As I teenager, I imagined I would wear certain lovely clothes, which I imagined in detail, and live in a perfectly clean house (with a pool, of course). I would eat nothing but fruits, vegetables and chocolate.
I would have plenty of friends, especially guys, who would be welcome to walk in my doors (French windows, of course) whenever they pleased. And I would have a perfect boyfriend to match my perfect life.
Well, as an adult, I know that just being thin doesn’t make life perfect. Intellectually, I know I’ll still have the same struggles, fears and insecurities as I do now. Emotionally, however, part of me still hangs on to the dream of the perfect life I’ll have when I’m finally thin.
If I achieve the ultimate goal, what’s left?
I met a wonderful man at a seminar a few months back who had climbed Mt. Everest. The speaker, in addressing the man’s current life situation, told him, “You’ve already achieved the ultimate goal. There’s nothing left for you to strive for.” The man sadly nodded his head.
Life will always hold a challenge for me. But reaching my ideal weight has been my ultimate goal for as long as I can remember. When I achieve that goal, nothing else will seem quite as exciting. It’s easy and comfortable to put off that moment for a few more months, to have something to look forward to in the near future.
It’s the Big League, baby
Being fat gives me an excuse to play in the Little League. I can use my weight as an excuse to settle for less than the best in my career, romantic life, home, clothes and car.
I am compulsive and competitive. I want to do the best job possible at whatever I undertake. I am good at my job. I have achieved what I have always achieved by doing what I’ve always done . . . being a good secretary. I can be a big fish in a little pond so long as I use my weight as an excuse that being a key support person is all I am good for. But there is more out there for me. Even after accomplishing the major step of completing my licensing exams in securities sales, I’m stalling in my career just like I’m stalling in my weight, and for the same reasons. When I’m thin, I imagine, there will be no excuses left for me to play in the Little League. Because I have to be the best, that means I have to achieve on a higher level.
I have used my weight as an excuse not to date the kind of person I would want to marry, the kind of person who is capable of making a commitment, or the kind of person who treats me the way I deserve to be treated. I imagine myself with someone handsome, kind, caring, committed, good with money; and I’m intimidated by the vision. I still have the idea in the back of my head that such a man would never be attracted to me, and even if he is, he’ll see through the facade in time.
I have a specific vision of what my house should look like, along with my wardrobe and car. But I settle for less because I imagine I’ll have all those things when I’m thin. While I’m still fat, there’s no point in trying because my very presence ruins my perfect vision of my perfect life.
Fear of the unknown
I don’t know what it’s like to be considered an attractive female. In a way, there is great comfort in this. I don’t have to worry about men pursuing me for my looks alone. I don’t have to worry about my female friends playing little jealous games behind my back over men. I can choose not to fully participate in relationships and in my own life, simply by staying fat.
What’s wrong with this picture?
Most of you are shaking your heads by now. I can see the fallacies in the above logic and thus, work to change my core beliefs about myself. I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t have to have the perfect house or car before I can do little things to improve my life.
Things won’t be any different when I’m thin. I’ll still be the same person, and the people around me will still be the same. I may get more sexual attention, but those men will still have the same values inside . . . just like now, it takes time to get to know a person and find out what he is really like.
Most of all, the idea of using my weight as an excuse not to fully participate in my own life is a trap I must avoid at any cost.
I have confidence that with my newfound nutritional knowledge, I will break through this barrier I’ve built in my head. My progress will not be instant, but one pound at a time, I will reach my goal.
~Chris