I'm not sure why, but today I am dealing with a lot of inner demons. This will most likely become a rambling post, and I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here.. just support I guess.
Everything that keeps running through my mind today keeps coming back to me thinking about the difference in how I picture myself when I'm out and about in the world and how I really look. When I'm out and doing things, I usually don't think about me being fat as I do things and interact with others. I never really have... until after I talk to someone, then I often walk away thinking "I bet they thought I was some crazy, super fat, couch sitting, potato chip devouring, slob." and I regret talking to them. I then will scold myself for a while as I go about my business.
I never saw myself as skinny, at least not since I was about 13 and puberty hit, but in high school I always ranged close to the "normal weight" range (I was almost always 147, 140 is the top of normal for my height), even there though I wore about a size 10/12 I think.
Now, I don't see myself as being as fat as I am... I definitely don't see me as skinny, but maybe more of a "normal" weight. What does this mean you might wonder... I think I wonder too..lol.
If I see me in a mirror that shows more of my face, I never stand back and look at all of me. I look at parts.. sometimes I see everything from my shoulders down, sometimes I see just my face, sometimes I just look at how big my butt has gotten or my stomach or whatever. But it's never a whole, it's never "me". No matter what, my face... the part of me that is me... is never part of the body. This body doesn't belong to me. I don't own it and I don't want to own it.
This not owning thing brings me to something that happened yesterday at the fair. We were looking at one of the many vinyl sticker stands and hubby pointed at one of the ones that have become kind of popular... it's similar to that naked lady that all truckers used to have on their mud flaps.. but the girl is heavier and it says "Thick". (he was looking for a sticker for the back of his e-reader). He said maybe I should get that one. I know he was teasing because I have always hated that naked trucker lady, but my mind went a million different directions. First I thought "Someday I won't be "thick".", then I went to the thought of "that's not fat... I'm fat, that sticker is "normal", so what is he trying to say here?" and then I wondered away because I really felt like I could cry even though I was trying hard to play it off because my brain started getting "darker" in it's thoughts.
There is more going on in my head, but it's more personal and though I had it all typed out here, I'm not ready to share it and this is long enough at this point anyway. If you have read all of this... thank you, I'm pretty sure it's somewhat choppy and random and I apologize. I just needed to get some of this out somewhere and I'm sure my hubby would be the good hubby and put a bandaid on me and send me on my way (you know the whole "I love you for you and you aren't that fat anyway" speech), so thank you again for "listening".