So, I had a weird and interesting realization this morning...or maybe (hopefully) breakthrough. I weighed myself and had lost a little more weight. I have been losing consistently for the past 3 weeks or so. Looking at the number on the scale, I suddenly felt panicky.
I followed the feeling until I realized that I was in fear of disappearing.
How can someone who is 193 pounds feel like that? It's like dysmorphia or reverse dysmorphia... To think I'm much thinner than I really am, which I know is a feeling that I have to work on.
In any case I continued to follow the feeling and said to myself, "what would be the worst thing to happen if I did disappear?" And that's when I allowed myself to feel what I fear the most. My "self" dissolved and what was left was......... everything.
It's like the old "me" going away...and the new, fuller me taking her place. The old me - the one who relied on external things and compulsiveness, the "fat" one so to speak.