Me and my new husband were about to go have a fun night, have a small amount of frozen yogurt, and relax on a friday night. I try to get dolled up and find something to wear, cuz i'm feeling really good and i want to look nice for him. But no, I had to get pouty, and have this all hit me like a freight train.
The only clothes that fit, are these skirts that i've been wearing for the past four years, because they're elastic waisted and fit with various waist sizes. They're the ONLY thing that fits. Even some work pants i got a month ago (that were snug to begin with) are at MAX capacity. I can barely sit in my freaking car, people.
I've gained 30lbs, and 3" around my waist, hips, and stomach.
I couldn't just have the first few months of blissful marriage, to enjoy food, enjoy life with my husband.
No. because i couldn't have high school to eat without a care in the world, and enjoy myself.
Every freaking time i get really happy, i gain weight.
We're too broke to buy ****ing new clothes for me. And i reallly don't want to anyway. Because the size that fits, quite frankly, i don't want to have to buy again. I swore i would never buy that size again.
I swore i'd never hit 200lbs again, unless i was pregnant.
No baby here, but i could hide one under all this.
I feel trapped in my body.
I've been trying to move more, and actually watch what i eat, but it doesnt help that every day at my new job, i have to squeeze into my pants, and sit uncomfortably in my car. (On top of that, no one has had the ability to train me at the job, so i am literally getting paid to stand behind people working their butts off, helpless. Like a fat idiot.)
I was already having problems accepting my body shape when i was at 170, but i've realized that i kind of like my high hips. They would look just like the 70's wonder woman actress if i got slim and fit. My figure proportions, point to an hourglass figure!! i mean come on! Isn't that what every girl wants? small waist, big sexy hips and a decent, proportionate chest?? I could have that! but i decided to wait a while, and enjoy being married, and cook delicious fatty foods for my husband and friends, because he deserves it.
I know he loves me, and he supports me. But i talk his ear off with weight loss. He doesn't know how to help anymore, and i don't blame him. It's both our faults, and we're both trying to fix it.
But i realized that all too late. I decided to change only after i couldn't squeeze into my work pants, and after my pair of jeans that used to be extremely LOOSE on me, no longer fit.
What really sucks about all this?
If i had money to maybe break down and buy bigger clothes, i'd be alright. I'd see that as motivation, and be ok, and continue to improve. But i don't have that option. I have to try and fix this all while being stuffed into my clothes.