I find myself down over 50 lbs. Woke up today at 179.5, but I won't change my ticker until I see it a bunch more times. I should feel happy, but instead I feel lost and confused.
I'm 2/3 of the way to my original goal. And all I can think of is:
1) Should I readjust my goal to something like 145?
2) What's going to happen with all the extra skin if I reach goal too quickly. Maybe I should slow down.
3) Making it to goal probably won't make me any happier. Why am I doing this again?
I mean it's so weird, but I'm actually feeling apprehensive. Like I don't really want to get to my 160 lb goal. Because I'm afraid it won't be enough or I'll have too much skin, or I'll have some other issue that will prevent me from wearing a swim suit in front of other living breathing people. I mean, it was super, super hard to begin this journey. And it was super hard not to give up in the beginning. But now that I've been focusing on this for several months (actually started trying last September), I think I figured out what actually works for me. And I know how my body readjusts its set point over time. Reaching goal, for the first time ever in my life, seems doable.
Why am I not happy? Why do I want to slow down? Why do I feel the same as I did when I started? And why doesn't that cute guy look at me?!?
For as much as I have achieved and dangit I've achieved a lot. Aside from the weight loss, I've increased my endurance, I've joined a dance class and will be dancing on TV next month, I've registered for a mud run/obstacle course, I've run longer and faster than I ever thought possible. I've taken chances and cut my hair into a short style I've wanted to do for ages and it turned out great. I dyed my hair super red and it also turned out great. I've made a boatload of friends while on this journey. I've increased my strength and I've gone to the gym for 84 consecutive days (there is a contest at my gym) and I've proven to myself that I can push myself and not give up.
But still... Although some days I feel strong, most days I just feel unpretty. I missed out on being the pretty girl because I was too busy being the fat girl. I feel like it's too late for me. Like I wasted my teens and 20s being fat. And even if I did win some phenomenal makeover at the end of my weight loss journey I still wouldn't have the confidence to date. I spent so many years watching the guys go after the petite girls, that I can't imagine anyone of quality would really want me. I'm not "girly." I'm too big and too strong. I'm not quiet, I don't care about fashion, I like action movies, I like to tell jokes, I like to tell engaging stories and I like to eat meat, not salads. I love karaoke and going to the arcade so I can shoot two guns at the same time. I'm opinionated, observant and critical, but I'm also conscientious, protective and empathetic. Ya never know what you're gonna get. But the media has finally gotten to me. I feel like I'm not pretty or desirable, because I don't have a small frame, perky boobs, a flat stomach, perfect make up, Vidal Sassoon hair and nails that never chip. I box, I dance, I sing, I'm smart and I'm entertaining, but it's never going to mean anything because the container that holds all of this isn't commercially beautiful. My friends say I'm too hard on myself. And yeah, I guess I am. But I can't help how I feel.
Dang this journey is fricken emotional.