Quote:
Originally Posted by Veneficae
I feel like I want out of the dieting relationship! I thought it would be really great to have a partner, but I have come to realize that we just want totally different things.
We're both doing Weight Watchers. I adore it... it's so easy! I pay for the online version, and she chose to gather information on the internet and "bootleg" it. OK. Well, I'm annoyed by this anyway, because I respect copyright information and think Weight Watchers has a right to their intellectual data and formulas and I don't think it's honest or right to benefit from the program without paying for it. Whatever. What really bugs me though, is that since it's a lot of work to find points info online, she now constantly asks ME how many points to track for a food. How do I do this, how do I do that, how much is this, how much is half of that. I want to tell her, if you want Weight Watchers info, cough up the $19 a month and get it!
Another reason is that for her, diet and food is 100% of her life right now. If we are in a room full of other people, she wants to talk about weight and diet and food. She knows my starting weight and goal weight and current weight, and frequently announces this to others, to my complete mortification. I can see our mutual friends are annoyed by her constant "diet" chatter. I don't want to be ostracized by association!
Don't get me wrong... she's a good friend and I LOVE having an accountability buddy and a cheerleader... I suppose I need to just woman up and tell her that these things are bothering me.
One more thing... this is super petty and I only bring it up to vent... her new clothing choices are embarrassing. She wears the same outfit every day (she has it in a million color combos) - Skin-tight leggings and a thin, clingy knit dress on top. Cute outfit, but she's just not "there" yet. People who weigh 270 pounds just don't look stunning in skin tight leggings and clingy knit dresses! I'd never say this to her because obviously she likes the way it looks and it gives her confidence, but I'd love to see her rockin' something with a little more structure.
OK.. well thanks for the vent-room!
It can be tough when diet "teams" go south. I've been there.
About the WW stuff, is she struggling financially? I have a friend that there's no way she could afford WW. Now I'm not doing WW, but if I was, I would share the info with her, but again I have no intention of doing it, although I have in the past. In a case where someone legit can't afford it but has the need and determination to lose weight, I don't think a giant corperation's dues should stand between them and their weight loss, IF they really needed WW to make those changes. If she has some nutritional understanding of what she should be eating she can just count calories. If she can afford it and she's just asking you to save the money, I admit I'd be a little bit annoyed. I would get the same feeling as someone cheating off me during a test! If she can afford it, I would just tell her that you have neough work looking up your own food items and that it would be easier for both of you if she just joined. And let her know that the benefits of WW aren't just the point info, its the support, the meetings ect.
I would tell her asap that it is not her place to talk about your weightloss. Period. I am actually so quiet about my own weightloss in public, that if anyone ever did that to me, I would be pretty mad. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do about her talking about her own weightloss. You can casually change the topic, but if she finds her way back to it, the only thing you can do is tell her to stop talking about it, which will probably go over like a lead balloon. I have had many times in my life where I'm in company and someone is just going on and on about a subject and everyone is giving off social cues that they are not interested, and the talker doesn't get it. (anyone ever see the episode of Big Bang Theory where Howard brings up that he went into space in EVERY conversation? its pretty funny
)
Are you sure your friends are annoyed by her diet talk? Have you actually asked them? I would say if they were true friends they wouldn't ostracize either of you for diet talk. If you are in a group of friends that might stop talking to you based on what your friend is saying, and stop talking to her because if it, you might want to re-evaluate these friends.
I don't know how long you've know them, but friends go through each others ups and down with them. And while its not considerate to take up an hour talking about yourself and diet, friends expect to hear more about a big deal in a friends life. It might be an up coming wedding, a new job, a baby on the way, a house purchase, or a vacation...I'm sure I've gotten tired of hearing about some of these things at times from my friends, and they have gotten tired of hearing it for me, but good friends understand. The people that walk away because they don't want to hear it, were never really friends, in my opinion.
Lastly you mentioned what she is wearing is not flattering, and embarrassing. Are you embarrassed to be seen with her? I admit that I have a friend that has a big chest but does not support the girls, and wears low cut stuff, but it looks really um trashy. I found at first I was embarrassed to be seen with her because I thought that people would think she looks inappropriate and then judge me because of it.
But I realized that it wasn't her problem, but mine. Aside from tat tats that need more structure, she is an awesome person, and once I stopped being so concerned with what other people thought of her (because she wasn't) while we were together, I was able to find a great friend. I guess she feels comfortable in clothes that I wouldn't and unless she actually has a nip slip, its not my place to criticize her. If your friend feels good, that's all that matters.
I don't mean to over step my boundaries, and I say this to help but it seems that two of the three things that you are worrying about, aren't about your friend, but about you being embarrassed to be associated with her, and to be honest that likely comes from your own insecurities. I'm speaking from experience. And I'm saying this to help because I've been there and I've distanced myself from good people in my life, because I was worried what others thought. I've struggled with this, not just with the friend I mentioned but in other ways with other people. I was concerned about their behavoir, their clothes, what they said, what they did and what others thought. (And I had the same concerns about my own action, clothes ect.)
Ask yourself, is your friend a good friend? I get that talking about your weightloss is not her place, but is she generally an inconsiderate person? Does she disrespect you? Does she undermine your weightloss? Does she violate your trust a lot? If she's a crumby friend, then I'd say move on. But if she's a good friend, and it seems that some of your concerns are about how she reflects on you, then maybe you need to take a step back and find out why you feel that way. I don't know how old you are, but this is usually more common in youth, but I can tell you now at 32 I wish I could go back and change some of the people I drifted away from because I felt that our other "friends" (who I'm no longer friends with) would think poorly of me because of someone I was associating with.
Hope this helps. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, I just wish someone had said this to me 10+ years ago.