I have thought about posting a thread about this for several days but have have held off because I didn't want to seem like a downer. I met goal on 12/7/12 and was excited and proud but did not feel like I thought I would.
That being said, for several years, I have been unhappy with the way I looked and how much I weighed. I felt embarrassed and oftentimes acted in ways that allowed me to not partiicapte in life because my confidence was in the dumps. Over the course of the years, I have said to myself that if I weighed X then this would be easier, my stress would be less, my energy would be better, my confidence higher, my anxiety less, and on and on. Give me any scenario and I could follow it up with "it would be better if I weighed X". I beleived this wholeheartedly.
Now that I have arrived so to speak, I am recognizing that this is not the case. My worries, my anxiety/depression, stress, have not gone away and I am not instantly happy with my confidence surging through the roof. My problems have not been erased. Unfortunately, there is still work to be done and compounded at the moment with fears of regaining, etc.
My family is obsessed with weight and for many years I was praised because I was thin and active. I come from a family of mainly women so the talk is always who is gaining/losing, etc. When I gained weight (around 40lbs) my great grandma (yes great gma who is 94) would make comments like "your gaining weight, looks like you are gaining weight, looks like you have gained a few pounds, etc. How pathetic is it that a 94 year old person is making comments like that? And may I add that she is mean spirited in the process? Like as if I don't know, or anyone for that matter, when they are gaining. DUH! Also, my aunt, who I posted about earlier, made a comment a few weeks ago 2.5 seconds after she walked in the door about my gma (not great gma) doing "that diet and gaining all of it back". Yesterday, while visiting my great gma she says "oh you look so thin, you must be thrilled, I bet all your friends are so pleased with how you look, I am so happy to see you looking skinny again". WTH kind of comments is that?
I know, or maybe I don't, that they are meant to be complimentary, but either way, they really mess with my head. Like before when I was 40lbs heavier I wasn't worthy of loving as much? Then she follows up the compliments with you know your grandma gained hers right back. Ahhhhhhhhh, I really feel like I am going to loose it with all the regaining talk. It's so pathetic!
I guess where I am going with this is that I am not relieved to be done and celebrating with food but staying focused and feeling extremely fearful of gaining.
Also, I know this may sound silly, but I have not been disclosing how much weight I have really lost. I am saying about 15lbs when its nearly double. I guess I have some issues around that too.
Sorry for the venting...