Hello,
I am new here and I just joined a couple of days ago. I just feel like my mom wants me to be fat. I know it sounds strange or ironic, but after multiple things that I notice about her, I've come to this conclusion. When I eat a meal, I am already tempted to binge eat (I have two eating disorders. Binge eating/bulimia) and I tell myself to stop. Then my mom will come over and say "here is more food for you to eat." I tell her that I'm full, but she continues to give me more food. She does this 80% of the time. I'm not blaming her for my obesity, but it probably has something to do with how I view food.
I dont know if this is the reason behind why she is doing this or thinks that giving me food after I'm full is good, but there is some motive. I tell her all the time that I dont want the food, and she insists that I eat when I'm full. One time she said "Oh, you want to be skinny like those women on TV." I told her "No, I'm just not hungry." and she said " Well, then go ahead and eat this food." I feel so guilty after giving in to her requests, but I just keep letting her do this to me. I just want to keep the peace and not argue with her.
I am 24 btw, and I think she is doing this so that I wont ever have a man be attracted to me. I am an only child and we live together, so its just me and her. She always talks about how men are not good and how they will be a bad influence on me. So I think she wants me fat to protect me from bad experiences with men. Furthermore, she doesnt have to worry about me having boyfriends because I've reached the size where I am completely invisible.
I really want gastric bypass surgery and I think that its the only way that I can escape from this **** I am in. With each pound I gain, I feel like a piece of my life is slipping away. I think about food all the time. I think about whether I should eat it and throw it up afterwards because gaining another pound feels like Ive lost and failed again. I really want to be skinny because at least I wont have to worry so much. I worry about everything. I worry about whether people are looking at me and if I can fit in a seat. Its very stressful. My mom is tricky. I love her, but Im not sure why she tells me that I should loose weight, but then the next she tells me that I need to eat when Im full.
I am just so confused about my life. My life is very stagnant. I cant have normal relationships because of my weight. People try to be polite, but they really dont want anything to do with me because I'm of size. I have only one friend who I can talk to. I have a lot of guy acquaintances, but they see me as "one of the guys". Sometimes I do feel like a "man" on the outside because thats what guys treat me like. I just feel like because Im over the weight limit, I will never be able to experience love. I am in a very bad situation because I want to loose weight, but I cant get the motivation to loose it. I dont have the strength, the will, or the power to conquer it.
I have no support. I have no one who understands me and what its like to be an obese college student. Everyone is skinny and they dont have to live like I do. Its very hard to write this down, because these are deep secrets that I never share with anyone!!!
I tried going to the gym about 6 months ago, and it was the most horrible experience ever. You would think that a gym would be filled with fat women and men. But it was the total opposite. All the people there were very skinny. I felt like I was about to get attacked and I felt ashamed because I was not smaller. I know that the gym is a good place, but I felt so horrible and I almost got sick because of the stares I was getting. Its hard for me to deal with my emotions because this weight has torn me down to shreds. Sometimes I dont even know who I am anymore.
I feel like everyday I mask myself until the point where I loose my identity. I feel like if I dont get skinny or at least within the weight limit, that I will never be happy. Because in the back of my mind, I will always blame my size on missed opportunities, and the reason why something didnt work out.