Have you established an ongoing dialogue with your siblings about their health and other aspects of their lives? It's extremely difficult to imagine that they're not aware that they're obese. Is their weight something that
they are mentally prepared to deal with and have the knowledge and resources to address, is it taking a back issue to other issues in their lives, or are they just not concerned about it?
Quote:
Originally Posted by January Snow
I know the root of the problem. My mother is a hoarder. Her hoarding and compulsive shopping has made their home practically unlivable. They never cook at home and rarely eat any meals there at all. Instead the three of them usually eat out or have takeout type meals over at another relative's house. My brother and sister rarely get regular meals and habitually overeat. (I don't live with or near them but visit often and have a pretty good understanding of what's going on.)
That definitely sounds like a very dysfunctional, very unhealthy living situation.
That seems like it would be a really stressful and unpleasant way to grow up - no real space or order, irregular and unhealthy meals, and - worst of all - no real control over the situation. It's no wonder they've got weight problems.
Even assuming that you're right about their home life being the major contributor to your minor siblings' obesity, they (presumably) don't have much control over the state of their household or the way their lives are structured at the moment. What have the adults in their lives done to address that situation (other than talking to your mother, who sounds like she may be mentally ill)?
Has your mother been evaluated for mental illness/fitness to be a custodial parent? Has the agency that's responsible for protecting children's welfare been contacted about the conditions your siblings are living in? Has your mother's or your sibs' primary physicians been contacted about their living situation? Do your siblings have regular access to healthy food choices for breakfast and/or lunch at school? Have your siblings been evaluated for underlying physical or mental health issues that may be contributing to their weight?
Quote:
Originally Posted by January Snow
What can I do? I feel like my brother and sister are going to need to develop a real desire to lose weight because obviously the rest of the family is just making things worse for them. Since many of us were in their shoes when we were younger, what would you say to the younger you?
I don't think your siblings need to be pushed "to develop a real desire to lose weight." They almost undoubtedly know they're much heavier than is healthy for them, and chances are that they would probably like to be thinner but don't have the knowledge, resources, and support they need to make it happen because their lives are in such disarray. Frankly, I think it's unrealistic (and downright ridiculous, actually) to expect any child (especially one as young as 12) to lose a substantial amount of weight healthily and safely and keep it off in what sounds like a severely dysfunctional and unsupportive environment.
You are clearly very concerned about their welfare. However, telling them that they "should" do something about a problem that they're almost certainly already aware of and that they've probably both been criticized or otherwise made to feel badly about by others isn't likely to help them. That is information that they almost certainly already have. What they probably don't have (judging from your post) is the support they need to attain and maintain a healthy weight.
I grew up overweight in a stable, functional, generally supportive family. My parents didn't do a great job of teaching me healthy eating habits or portion control, but my diet wasn't horrible. My major problem was having a misdiagnosed (and therefore improperly treated) mental issue from which comorbid conditions evolved (which were diagnosed but that nobody bothered to teach me how to effectively manage). I knew I was fat. I even had a vague idea of what I should do about it. However, I didn't have healthy eating habits in place already and I was exhausting myself trying to stay functional and out of trouble - I didn't have the
mental energy to deal with my weight. Plenty of people, from family members to complete strangers, felt that it was appropriate to tell me that I was fat, that I just needed to use some willpower, that I was lazy, or that I just didn't want it bad enough. These comments tended to make me very angry, since I was already trying my heart out just to do everything else that was expected of me. They didn't make angry in an "oh -
now I want it bad enough" sort of way, they made me angry in an "I'd like to humiliate, torture and/or kill you" sort of way. They also made me feel hopeless, because I felt like I was expending heroic amounts of energy jumping through all the other hoops people wanted me to jump through and putting up with everybody else's bull**** - and then people said crap like that and it made me feel like all my effort and all my other accomplishments were worthless in their eyes. I didn't need to be told I was fat. I needed help. I needed the correct diagnosis, appropriate therapies, better meals at home, and a lot of nutritional education and support. My parents tried - we did WW once or twice while I was in high school and my parents supported my athletic endeavors, such as they were, but they didn't provide the comprehensive nutritional education and support I needed and couldn't provide for myself.
What support - emotional, educational, financial, etc. - are you able and willing to give them to help them lose weight?
What support are they able to accept from you? Are they strong-willed and ready enough to focus on their weight that they can succeed in that with the support you can give them? Are they preoccupied with other issues in their lives? Are they in denial? Have they bought into your mother's dysfunctions and excuses?
Try to determine where they're at mentally before you go in telling them what they need to do or what you want to do for them. Their priorities may not be yours, and their mental maturity and the environment they live in may mean that other attitudes and habits need to be addressed before they can work on getting to a healthy weight.
I'm definitely not an expert at talking to kids, but I think that if you do talk to them about this you should do it when they're calm, in a chatty mood, and away from your mother and other relatives (and probably each other, esp. if they're sensitive or would pick at each other). Make the conversation about your love for them, your concern for their health and well-being, and your desire to help them help themselves. Don't be judgmental,
don't tell them that they just need to make themselves want weight loss bad enough (although if it's appropriate to the conversation you could totally talk about the rewards of hard work and perseverance in your own weight loss journey), and don't harp more than is necessary on the potential negative effects of obesity. If the 16yo is reasonably mature and intelligent and is open to discussing the topic, you might, after broaching the subject and expressing your concern, ask him what
he thinks he needs (he might not know), and offer what you think is appropriate and you're able to give. If what he needs/you can give and what he wants don't coincide, do offer him some sort of explanation for the discrepancy so he doesn't think you're just screwing with him. With the 12yo (and the 16yo if he's really immature), you might do better just to tell her what you want to do to help her (and make it sound interesting/fun) and try to get her on board like that. Don't despair if they blow you off or temporarily block you out (or agree to accept your help but then flake out or don't follow through). Whether they're open to help or not at that particular point in time, reiterate that you love them, that you're there for them, and that you're willing to help them be the best they can be. If they accept your offer, you've got to follow through. If they blow you off, keep the lines of communication open, continue being a healthy role model for them, and broach the subject again at some opportune moment. At least, that's probably what I would do, but what do I know.
Of course, if your conversation with them turned up any red flags, such as thoughts and behaviors indicative of an incipient eating disorder, other evidence of disordered thinking (more than one would expect in any teen
), substance abuse, etc. it would be diligent and loving of you to try to get those issues identified and taken care of as well.
Beyond the general support that they need and haven't been getting, I think your siblings may need something else that you could provide: advocacy for their best interests.
The conditions you describe your siblings growing up in are abnormal and are having a negative impact on their health. You wrote that your mother's house is "practically unlivable." If that is the case, then why are the children allowed to live there (let alone be expected to be able to successfully compensate for their lack of care)?
You wrote that she was "negligent" in attending to their healthcare needs.
Is that okay?
Your siblings aren't in a position to advocate for their own well-being. They shouldn't have to. Have you or any other members of your family stepped up and said "this isn't right, it's hurting the kids, and I'm pursuing actions to get this fixed?" You've tried to talk to your mother about one aspect of the family's problems (your brother's weight) and got nowhere. Is that the end of it? The kids just have to learn to deal? There are no other options? I know situations get complicated and I'm not trying to be a jerk, but it really sounds like your family needs help.
Best of luck.